Unapologetic

8 Apr

I lost my innocence to a cousin on a bedroom floor, raped repeatedly for years by my grandmother’s husband and was touched inappropriately by an uncle all between the ages of 5 and 16.

For years I thought this was my plight, my ordeal was that of a personal, and isolated nature. I was awakened to his truth a short time later when, I witnessed this monster taking advantage of another family member, and I still believed this was just our tribulation, our cross to bear.

The catalyst for my speaking out began some six weeks ago, I sat down with a cousin in a candid conversation, and she confided in me, she told me a story which she had never before repeated. Ironically, (I thought why me, I even asked why, this was our first time speaking like this) though not shocking it was hard to swallow. It was one of those stories that you knew exactly where it was headed mid-way in the conversation, but you silently pray what you’re about to hear is not what you thought was about to be said. Well it was! That which I did not want to hear was indeed what I was told.

One of the perpetrators that had sexually abused me for years had violated yet another person. This compounded the guilt, the heartbreak of my past came crashing down, this, this, this thing! That seems like a winding roller coaster with no end in sight!

My cousin’s story was my trigger; I began re-living the whole damn nightmare again. Funny, the nightmares has never really left, not for a second! However learning about new victims evoked a reaction I can’t escape. The new information I received off-set a barrage of emotions. I had only few weeks beforehand learned the plight of another beloved relative.

It was clear that something had to be done and I was the one who had to do it, the responsibility was mine. I began experiencing this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Deep down I was angry that I had tried for many years to “out” this pervert; I tried to tell what he had been doing to me and had done to others. Each time I attempted to talk about it, I was asked by family members to be quiet.

Though I was out of the environment, I felt as if I had to comply, listen, I had to obey, though I didn’t want to, I had to carry the shame, I felt the need to remain true to my family and pretend along with everyone else. I felt like if I didn’t carry on with the charade, they would make me feel like an outcast “The Instigator.”

Our family pretended, the hypocrisy heightened with each family gathering, the tension grew with each tale of “the tight ass family unit!”

I’m sickened at the thought that while we remained tight lipped others were exposed to this trauma, yet we question why or society is all fucked up! Why our little girls and boys wander so far away from what we envisioned for them. We belittle them, degrade and bombard them with words and cliches and seemingly it’s all ok! They are viewed as bad, they are hopeless, a lost cause, insignificant, small, they are rude and disrespectful, they are sexually promiscuous, they don’t know what they want, and the never ending list goes on!

All the while if we had just stopped, listened, took notice, supported, protected, talked to, defended, instructed this could and would have played out differently! It’s time for victims to be victors and abusers brought to justice! It’s time we have a voice, and be unified in solutions! It’s time for us to be content and at peace and the tormentors tormented! Isn’t this the way it should be?

I can’t keep this charade up any longer! I feel compelled to write (right) a wrong! “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” (1st Corinthians 13 vs. 11) The time has come for me to grow some balls and stand up for the greater good.

My sincerest of apologies to the victims that were after me, I tried! I wish I could go back and undo history. I know the mental anguish, the emotional suffering.

It took me a minute to wake up! I’m shedding that skin, that old life; I’m grabbing fear by the balls and doing my part! I’m doing me!  To the others, please, find what works for you, if it’s speaking out and taking action… then do it!  I’m taking my self-respect back join me on my/our Journey2Free.

From my heart to yours

Larissa

19 Responses to “Unapologetic”

  1. Ingy April 8, 2013 at 4:24 AM #

    Wow, this completely blew me away, I want to thank you for sharing your story, I too was sexually abused at a young age. This is never an easy journey for any person to embark on and I applaud you for your strength to verbalize this in such a public forum…You are giving everyone who was ever a victim a voice. You are a hero, a warrior who is fighting for a good cause. Keep fighting the fighting!

    • Journey2Free April 8, 2013 at 5:38 AM #

      It’s not an easy journey, but who said it would be? I appreciate the kind words and support… Thank you!

  2. efreshlink April 8, 2013 at 4:49 AM #

    As I read these words it remind me of a life I have grown to know so well. A beautiful piece, it is never too late to make a change. It only takes one. Continue the beautiful work Rizz. May the Lord continue to shine his blessing upon you and your family.

  3. Tee April 8, 2013 at 3:01 AM #

    Wow, even though I knew majority of this story. It still saddens me, especially because I’m walking on that same road. Well written Ris.

    • Journey2Free April 8, 2013 at 8:39 AM #

      Thanks for the support and the pray…Love you right back.

    • Journey2Free April 8, 2013 at 8:44 AM #

      Thank you! There’s a light at the end of the road we are traveling, believe me, we will get there.

  4. Javsec April 8, 2013 at 7:18 AM #

    Very powerful words. You can count on me for any kind of support needed. I pray that you all find healing & strength as you continue on your journey2free. Love you.

    • Journey2Free April 8, 2013 at 11:11 AM #

      Thank you for the prays and support… I will hold you to that! Love you right back!

  5. grace April 8, 2013 at 2:13 PM #

    I applaud you for your story , hopefully it will help in the fight and struggle for most SILENT VICTIMS in the world, who is unable to speak about their own personal life experience, god bless you always.

  6. cyn April 8, 2013 at 9:02 PM #

    Thanks you for sharing your experience. I am also a survivor.of sexual abuse at the hand of someone that was supposed to be my “family”.,stay empowered

    • Journey2Free April 8, 2013 at 9:26 PM #

      It saddens me to think of how many us share this story…Thank you Hun, journey with me!

  7. Vena April 9, 2013 at 2:27 AM #

    Proud of you my dear, God be with you always, Peace n Love.

  8. chris April 14, 2013 at 12:21 PM #

    Words can’t even explain how i feel just by reading this so I can’t even lie and say I know what your going through but this I know your strong cause all these years the despicable things that you endured and you did not let it break you it made you even stronger. God has kept you in his arms while riding through the storm your so blessed you have your life a your wonderful son. keep on keeping on

    • Journey2Free April 14, 2013 at 12:32 PM #

      I appreciate and love your comment, your words means so much! Thanks a great deal! Thank you! Love Larissa.

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