I stopped praying some time ago. I found myself praying the same repetitive prayers over and over again, and nothing ever happen, nothing changed. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I’ve heard so many times just pray, take it to God and he will take care of it! While that may be true for some issues, it surely doesn’t apply to all. I prayed and I felt for so long God wasn’t listening. I cried, I begged and I pleaded with God but then at some point I realized I’m lamenting to a God that already knew all my gripes, he knew of my sorrows, my ailments, my hurts, the pains, he knew it all.

My heart was heavy, I was bound, and no matter how I tried to suppress and repress the emotions, they kept creeping back like a bad case of herpes, I couldn’t escape it, it just would not go away! As the years slipped by and my siblings needed me less. I ran away every chance I got. I frequently visited Jamaica, went to Australia, England for months, yet everywhere I went I would be overcome with sadness when alone with my thoughts, it seemed as if my thoughts were regurgitated, brought back to the surface and in full swing when isolated. In recent years though warned about the effects of not putting Jhayd on a proper sleep schedule, I refused, not wanting to put my baby on a schedule, because that meant time alone, time to do what with? I didn’t want to hear it! I focused on everything yet nothing. I was dying inside, not speaking and if I did, it was to people who didn’t wish to understand, folks that seemingly empathize but! This was complex, this is heavy, and you’re not feeling me! My heart, my mind, my thoughts crowded, I’m going to spontaneously combust! Night after night I would curl up with a pillow and cry, I would scream into the pillow muffling the sounds, I would invite God in, but it often felt like it was just me and my pillow, God was everywhere but with me.

I would journal when angered, I wrote poetry in hopes of relieving myself of pent-up frustration, I would shop, shop for things I didn’t want or even need, I would do stupid mundane things, things to rid myself of the thoughts and emotions, yet no matter how or what I did, regardless  of where I went local, international, interstate, my release was short-lived, it was all  just temporary, the acts or actions would simply fill a void, a longing, a “neediness” I had to make myself feel more important. A false sense of hope, of worthiness! I want it, need it, I craved it! But I didn’t know what it was that I needed. My thoughts were so loud it sounded as if I was standing on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange but the only person hearing the commotions was me! I contemplated drowning my sorrows in alcohol and or with the very drugs (opiates) I am prescribed for the pre-existing condition I have. But, it seemed as if God was playing one sick and cruel joke on me, why? Well I couldn’t consume alcohol, I can’t even say I drink in moderation for if I had more than a few sips it would trigger a Sickle Crises,  my joints would hurt so damn bad and the opiates I’m given makes me so sick I would constantly hurl, I would hurl just thinking about hurling, my damn stomach is so weak that I can’t even keep my medications down, so as a result there was no form of escape but to keep busy, I had to keep moving!

I only recently realized, He (God) had been there all along, He had never left my side and has never wavered. I realized in order for God to intervene I had to first step up to the plate! I had to do my part, take the initiative to move, act, do and/or say only then would he instruct, guide, direct, protect and bless me along the way. It’s not that he didn’t hear me or see what I was going through, I wasn’t’ proactive. I was stuck in a state of bewilderment, feeling sorry for myself and using fear, and excuses, the excuses of not knowing how to and the fact that it was much safer for me to be that bruised, feeble-minded girl, I could safely hide behind my pain and lick my wounds. I had been through enough and I’m entitled to sit around feeling broken, wallowing in self-pity. But no, that was not His plan for my life! I needed to be awakened, I needed to wake up and take stock of my life. I needed to be transformed in my mind and my thinking.

Did I realize this late? I don’t think so! Nothing happens before its time, you can’t be awaken if you weren’t asleep! I had to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had to get to a place of reckoning, for even though I wasn’t feeling like killing myself anymore…lol (another post) I wasn’t living I was merely existing, my version of a walking dead. I wasn’t going to off myself because of my belief that it would be insulting to God, and I was stronger than that. Who am I kidding? Whilst I do believe that as well I couldn’t off myself for the mere fact that I refused to give some folks the satisfaction of viewing me weak!  I had to get to a place where things and people didn’t bother me as much, and I do say as much because I’m nowhere close to where I need to be, but I’m getting there. I’m shaking one negative comment at a time, loving and appreciating one hater and naysayer daily and willing myself to get to that place where the negative thinking, speech or energy of another will not affect me.

I had to get to the place where I saw myself as worthy, as important, and believe what I had experienced, lived through and endured was just not for shits and giggles. I know I have to believe and I do, God did not bring me through all of his so I would constantly whine to him about my pains, my struggles, my discomforts and gripes!  He knows it all. He brought me/you to and through it for reasons or the sake of helping, learning and for your personal growth. As Maya Angelou says “when you get, you give, when you learn, you teach” and “when you know better you do better” So the next time you feel like annoying…I mean reminding God of the issues your facing daily (that which he already knows) stop! Instead ask for the wisdom to know, the courage to take action, the bravery to act upon, after all faith without work is what…?  Do not retreat! Go out and do you! My faith had been tested, tried and shaken.

Regardless of how I was told not to have a child… I wanted my own little person, my act was a bit selfish but I wanted a child so badly to make myself feel whole. I wanted to relieve myself of resentments and old hurts. I received the most beautiful blessing, (my son) the blessing I desperately wanted and desired but, instead of just love, I received a jolt! An awakening of sorts, I had to deal with my issues, I had to confront,  process and accept my reality, realizing forgiveness as the ultimate aim. I must forgive myself and others. I couldn’t self-medicate, I didn’t want to further suppress, I wanted to feel and realize what, why and how I can/could change. I yearned for my true self, for my son and I. I wanted truth in the simplest, purest and truest form. I needed to travel, to take this journey and discover me. I realize that Gods intent was for me to find myself. I couldn’t drink it away and I couldn’t numb it. I knew there was and is something in me…well, something has been pushing me, and it just wouldn’t let me be. Wake up Larissa! I’m not my story, I’m not my conditioning, I’m not my past, I’m not my thoughts! Pretending my issues are not there, that they don’t exist, doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t magically disappear with strong will  or the batting of the eyes. Hurts all have to be processed and dealt with. I made a conscious decision to break away, break free, I don’t want those things on me, and I refuse to pass brokenness or the lessons of covering up an injustice because you’re directly linked by lineage onto my child. I have to take action, stand in my truth and let it manifest.

I began praying again… this time I pray different prayers. I’m putting in my work for the betterment of self and others “now do you”! I don’t want my fears to be amplified but instead relinquished. I will not allow anyone to have me question my vision, my purpose, and my dreams. I will do as I’m led to, go where I’m directed, and be the me I was meant to be. I will speak/write of that which I know, live, feel and have experienced, I will deliver always what’s been placed on my heart. My only hope is that I inspire you to do the same. Join me as I/we journey to free.

From my heart to yours

Larissa.