When I began my quest for freedom, I knew that I would be in for a long and tedious journey. I am braving the elements, constantly questioning myself and refraining from writing or expressing myself truly, as I am still in a weary state of trying to please my family and friends. Trying to protect the feelings of others! Thus, it’s been an even harder journey. I convinced myself that I must be authentic, but how authentic can I be if things are sugar-coated and I am not forth coming? I am still reeling from the negativity of others because I choose to speak about my journey, it has gotten to the point where, I have had to block, ignore or downright remove myself from certain individuals.
Throughout my life I have gone through great lengths and done a great deal, all in the name of family. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty, I have made consorted efforts to remain true, gone distances to socialize with family members, some of whom were involved in hurting me, stretched myself beyond my own limits of any rational reasoning mind, all for the sake of bringing family together and maintaining peace. For too long have I lived assuming the roles and responsibilities for other people’s feelings, emotions, comfort and happiness, while I sat there in great turmoil and discomfort, uneasy in my own damn skin. Time after time being asked to bear a little longer, speak a little quieter, suppress even deeper, act friendlier, smile a little broader, and pretend forever, accepting more and more…I prided myself on being an overtly family oriented individual. Whatever was asked or expected of me I did without question.
Now I am beginning to feel anger and resentment build inside me like a crescendo. I am angered because as I continue this process not knowing what to expect or even how to feel, I am realizing, my journeying to free is emotionally taxing. This, this…I don’t even know what to refer to him as, one of my abusers was recently told that I have begun speaking openly about being sexually abused by him for years and though I’m not sure what I was expecting to hear from this man…I am still amazed that I allow myself to be triggered by him. Upon being told that I and others are coming forward and voicing our plight at his hands. I was told of a comment he made “My eye water will fall on them; they will suffer for what THEY are doing to me!!!”…
How truly sick and narcissistic can this man be to utter these words? How starved for love and affection could you have been to not see anything wrong with raping, fondling and kissing a child? I ask myself “How can he truly justify and rationalize his actions?” How dare he believe that you should have these feelings of entitlement? How does he arrive at the conclusion he had the right to deface, defile dishonor and derail my destiny? Who granted him the right to alter my childhood? Smearing my innocence, smudging my character, taking my pride, my dignity, making me into a woman before I had the chance to be a GIRL? How dare you?!! You hurt us without having a thought or an afterthought of how I and others would feel, think or be affected?!!! How does he not see anything wrong with what he has done to me/us? This man has/had absolutely no remorse for his actions when confronted!!! Yes I AM ANGRY!
When I think about my constant battle with Sickle Cell Anemia and how ill I would be during the times he violated my frail body, I am angry, hurt and resentful of all those who do not or choose not to understand the pain I felt then and the pain I am feeling now. The PAIN I feel each time a memory is triggered about an incident with this man, in combination with my battle with this health demon of an illness that is always looming in the shadows, threatening to derail me at every turn. Does anyone even understand this pain, the raw undiluted pain I have carried and continue to carry because I was so brutally debased? I am pissed, truly angry, and livid! My gut churns, I am puzzled, and in amazement …It truly boggles my mind, to think that this sick perverted bastard would have the nerve to think or feel I/we are out get him or that he is innocent! I find myself fighting, trying to find the balance between continuing the work I have begun in search of my happiness, finding my self-worth and simply just letting them all win by remaining silent like I did for so many years.
Why was I and others not protected by the “Family”? Some of them knew but no-one made him stop! At this very moment I can feel the anger filling my entire body, wanting to explode like a volcanic eruption of hot lava pouring down on the heads of all those who could have done something to stop this heinous atrocity but stood by and simply watched bowed head and lowered eyes. I am angry at myself for not speaking out sooner, now I ask myself “Why did I wait this long to finally realize what I needed to do for my process of healing to begin?” As I reflect on the truth of “Why I waited this long?” It angers me that I sat around for years and did nothing because I was seeking the validation and acceptance of others to do so! But sexual abuse, an incurable illness and child abuse will do that…it will rob you of your senses, your confidence and your voice. I’m taking it all back!
This issue of my sexual abuse is difficult to deal with, there are days when I restrict my own thinking, for fear of going back to that place in my mind where the hell unleashes. I heard somewhere the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, simply if it’s done before, it will be done again! And what do you know the son of a bitch did it again, and again and again!!! Now that the secret has been reveled and victims have come forward, this bastard expects that people should show him empathy, sorrow, help him lick his wounds like a wounded dog! He and others just like him, they blame everyone it’s never their fault! They lack the ability or they refuse to take responsibility for the things they have done. He’s unable to see beyond himself, he displays an air of arrogance, lacking the ability to feel, to show empathy for his victims, incapable of feeling remorse or guilt and he really doesn’t care about the impact his actions has on the lives of those he violated! He never has and never will! Each conversation/confrontation has been about himself, this sick perverted fuck, that for years threatened my life and the lives of my siblings, if I opened my mouth and spoke of his vile acts, to this day he hasn’t sought my forgiveness! So tell me why, Why, and how is it that I am being asked or expected to be sympathetic towards him because he’s now old and ill? I say “GO TO HELL AND ROT!”
To all the others who have taken from me! Your actions were not and are not OK!! I’m reclaiming that which was stolen! I DON’T CARE how my story affects your twisted little world…cry if you want to, hurt if you want …that is not my concern! I still cry as a result of the things you did to me…How many tears have I shed and will continue to shed?!!!
I am angry, I’m pissed, and I’m furious, frustrated and petrified YET, yet… I am compelled to speak my truth so others may draw strength and inspiration, knowing that it is indeed possible to rise above the ashes of what once was. My story is unfolding and not expected to be kept a secret and I’m going to shout it to whomever will listen, (or read…leaving all on paper!) I’m no longer an island, I no longer stand alone, I’m NOT shouldering this burden ALONE anymore! No longer will I live in silence, afraid of who may or may not be offended…Yes you bent me, but I didn’t break! I’m not going to remain the sheltered, helpless, bruised, tortured soul, I am taking my power back…and I’m fitting the pieces back together!
I was bound and en-caged by mental slavery. I do however know that the freedom which I seek, the love and the forgiveness I am searching for, though evasive I must continue on my path. It will not be this way much longer! We are responsible to share our struggles and stories of survival, It’s our duty to uphold for the betterment of humanity and mankind, in addition it is our right and our responsibility to be the best we can be, to be our real and authentic selves, to be happy and live a life free of disdain and judgments placed upon us by others.
Therefore I/you have the power to sever all ties if needs be from those who inflict pain, causes harm, unjustly speak or act whether you share DNA or not. It’s my Gods-given right to do and be the best version of myself, likewise everyone else as long as you are not causing harm to anyone. If you try to put an end to an injustice, break free of the chains and bondage of self-hatred, mental anguish, or to fulfill your dreams, walk into the path of God’s leadership, and people you are directly or indirectly tied to thru DNA or not tries to conceal horrid injustices or simply hamper or hinder your freedom, stop your progress or can’t just be happy for you that you can finally get to a place where you no longer hang your head in shame, drown your sorrows in a bottle or drugs, remain a victim, defeated and depleted… in the name of family, reevaluate, drop, sever who needs to be severed and do what’s been placed on your heart. Join me as I/we journey2free…
From my heart to yours