IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!

4 Apr

To every SURVIVOR of child sexual abuse KNOW this…

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Being taken advantage of sexually as a child WASN’T your fault then and it WASN’T/ISN’T your fault now!!

A child CANNOT! and I repeat, A child CANNOT give consent to sex!!

I know we often feel as if something we did or said warranted the abuse in an attempt to justify what happened, but rest assured YOU DID NOTHING to cause the abuse!!

The only thing we were guilty of is placing/putting our trust in the adults that were meant to protect us not harm us!

Change the narrative, change your thoughts, change your beliefs…

From my heart to yours. I/we Journey 2 Free.

#Journey2Free #reassigntheshame #speak #unmasked #standingstrong #survivingatallcost #survivor

Revelations…

31 Mar

It’s amazing sometimes to discover some habits and practices we carried over into adulthood from our childhood. One such habit for me is my inability to sleep without waking at nights.

Two occurrences in my childhood attributes to my being a very light sleeper today. I was a rather sound sleeper before these two incidents. The house could have blown down and I would have been none the wiser prior to the first sexually violated I experienced at age five (5) and the second incident being my family being robbed at gun point at age ten (10). I unintentionally bid uninterrupted sleep goodbye.

It’s been years since ages 5 & 10 but the fact is, the residual effects of childhood trauma last a lifetime, and for those that have never been helped, counseled or supported the manifestation of traumatic childhood experiences are endless.

What is one thing you do today that can be attributed to a childhood experience?

STAND!

20 Mar

Stand even when the odds are against you!

Stand even through the fears!

Stand even when they talk about you!

Stand even when they don’t agree!

Stand even when it’s difficult to breath!

Stand, even if you stand alone!

For what’s the alternative?!

I sat through all the horrors!

I sat through all the pains!

I sat through all the judgements!

I sat through all the tears!

I sat through all the abuse!

I sat alone through my fears!

They weren’t there to carry me, in fact they say they don’t understand!

They weren’t there to comfort me or lend a helping hand!

Just like me they quivered, refusing to verbalize pain, till what remained was my barely living, merely surviving, shallow, emptied frame.

They won’t understand it, and some never will!

But, by the grace of God Almighty, with all the stares, judgements and disapproval I will remain STANDING still! Larissa (Rizzy) Rhone.

International Woman’s Day March

#journey2free #reassigntheshame #stand

#internationalwomansdaymarch

#guessspeaker #honored #fillwithgratitude

Family – Love Redefined…

10 Feb

When you decide to speak up about child sexual abuse, you will experience various reactions from various people. Survivors would like to believe ‘family’ will be the most supportive, but often times we experience the opposite. My experience was no different. Oprah once said “sometimes you have to divorce your family” I’m not sure who divorced whom in my case, but I knew some separation took place. On this my Journey 2 Free; I had to accept my new reality, one I’ve grown accustom to, for after all, I had to choose me, my sanity, my health and my well being over family, it was either that or the mental asylum, I choose the former. Love Redefined was written last year as a journal entry but just this past week I bore witness to the character assassination and verbal abuse of a few family and friends at the hands (and dare I say mouth) of family, because they too choose to speak of their ordeals. A new day has dawned and while ‘we’ survivors garner the strength and the courage to speak up and out, please bare in mind being judged, being called names and worst ‘being called a liar’ is seemingly apart of the speaking out process, I implore us ALL as survivors to STAND IN YOUR TRUTH regardless of what ‘they‘ may say:

Love Redefined

My family made me question, rethink and re-evaluate the definition of Love.

I use to believe we were tight, so inter-connected, a closely knit bunch, we would hang-out, be cordial, do the things expected of us to do like talk about accomplishments, about each other, and what uncle, aunty or cousin so and so was up to, we congratulate when congratulations were in order, you know, the usual things families do, then part ways, go back to our respective places, and when need arise we do it again;

 BUT

If you want to truly know how tightly knit, and who’s with, for or against you, do something like I did, and watch the family split; How dare you do something the uppities and overly self-righteous don’t agree with?!

So, I spoke up and sought justice for an injustice that span generations in the family, knowing the act was wrong, it’s not that THEY didn’t know, or understand, but no-one took action, so the injustice prolonged. Everyone has an opinion, this is true, the opinions ranged from girl go ahead do you! To WHO DARE YOU SPEAK, AND SPEAK ABOUT WHAT WAS DONE TO YOU?!  Accused of bringing shame and disgrace on the family, some dared to say I brought embarrassment on my dear old granny, but granny had a choice to make, and so did I! She choose to side with her husband, I choose to speak in hopes of saving lives.

Grandma’s husband is a pedeophile and after the lives he’s ruined, she’s still by his side yet, some family members behaved as if victims committing suicide would have been more acceptable than confronting the one performing mental genocide, murdering the self-esteems and shattering prides and forcibly taking with delight the innocences of the female babies on her side

In this family, we struggle with a chronic case of duplicity, some may say split personalities but, I call it blatant hypocrisy, this particular act stems from the matriarch of the family, yes, it rots from the head of the tree!

I would listen to grandma and some relatives speak with great delight of others while they were in their sight, but the moment their backs were turned the compliments also took flight. They are bold, saying what they need to say, but to get their way they’ve mastered their craft, learning how to manipulate, so, it comes as no surprise when this family split, and for my part I’ll gladly take ownership. I spoke up and out and yes sought justice for the injustice, while some did what they do best, pretending to be supportive of cousins, sisters, daughters while spreading propaganda to others, by now, they are well versed in spreading their unintentional lies intentionally. Hypocrisy is the name of the game, unfortunately sown and deeply rooted in some of the off springs veins, for I’ve never before seen a set more versed in knowing truth but instead, intentionally and purposefully propagate and circulate lies, yet the question remains, Why?!

Why did so many take this personally, when my issue was with the one that raped me?! Why?! They weren’t there, yet the majority felt the need to tell me how they think I should feel and the audacity to offer a timeframe of healing and recovery at their suggested speed!

Love Redefined: I’m not sure what Love means anymore, see, my family have me questioning 1 Corinthians 13 vs 4, for their love was neither patient, nor was it kind but instead crude, cruel and harmful combined. They tried to shame me into thinking I was wrong to speak, blatantly telling me, it’s attention I seek. I’ve heard this saying repeatedly, but it’s one with which I’m afraid I can’t agree that “no matter how we fuss and fight we still are family!” Unfortunately, that maybe so biologically but beside’s that fact, there’s some actions taken and some words spoken from which we can’t back!

They are ways to handle feuds and conflicts between friends and family, and that is where we all agree to disagree, Respectfully! BUT NO, Not in my family! For it’s a pissing contest to prove who’s draws is tighter than the rest, not to mention the heated war of words to see who can verbally humiliate, assassinate and pulverize the other. We send threats and beat our breasts and puff our chest and spew flames of fire, until all that’s left are the chard remains of what use to be,  We use to be…

 FAMILY

I/We Speak…

22 Jan

What about the ones that came before us?!

I saw a comment earlier that really pained my heart, it was from an elderly survivor of child sexual abuse. The comment was made on Facebook on a thread of exchanges from survivors and supporters alike, but this particular comment caused me to pause for a moment. The first line of her comment simply stated “I am jealous” The statement first caught me off guard based on the conversation we were having, I read a little further and as I completed her response my heart broke. The rest of the comment read, “I am happy all this (CSA) is being spoken about and victims are speaking out but we never had that for my generation.”

There, I don’t know if it was the words ‘my generation’ or the fact that I could sense the genuine pain through her words that did me in, but I sat back in the chair as tears welled in my eyes, I exited Facebook. This single comment made me stop and think about something I have but too often said, ‘I can only imagine how many have passed on, both men and women who have had the experience of being sexually abused as a child and had to live with the pain and trauma until there dying day. This woman words resonated with me in such away it hurts, but instantly I was reassured of ONE of the many reasons I speak…

Yes, I have joined forces with the few that have decided to speak up and speak out about their ordeals to bring about awareness and incite change. Personally I speak knowing I may not be able to stop (CSA) but if I can prevent or save just one child from suffering the years of secrecy and shame, the pain and my years of mental torment would not be in vain.

Join me as I/We Journey2Free. From my heart to yours, reassign the shame… Speak!

Still I Fight!

17 Jan

Isn’t it ironic that the only pictures I had in my possession as a CHILD happens to be school pictures taken at ages 5 when I was first sexually abused and ages 11 when I was first raped by my grandmother’s husband.

I look at these pictures and anger sometimes surfaces, I see a CHILD, I see innocence, I see purity all of which and more was selfishly stolen from me, but then I take a second look and I see a resilient little CHILD, one that has/have lived with immeasurable pain yet still happens to maintain while striving to reclaim ALL that was taken… Dear R.A.E. you will watch me rise! #journey2free #childsexualabuse #reassigntheshame #speak #dearrae #stopviolenceagainstchildren #iwillrise #iwillfight #iwillsurvive #timesup #advocate #speakupspeakout #inpursuitoffreedom #inpursuitofme #metoomovement #keepthestoriesalive #iwillnotstoptalking

Family in Ruins…

14 Jan

I NEVER thought in a million years that victims that were sexually abused as children that have lived with guilt and shame FINALLY having the courage to speak about their ordeal could ever result in something this nasty!

I’ve heard and read of families being at odds with each other but to the levels that have been displayed here… This is beyond classless and disrespectful coming from folks that previously expressed and verbalized their love to and for each other. We have completely moved away from agreeing to disagree, having or sharing differences of opinions, respectfully disagreeing while still maintaining class and respect for each other. As a (family) when we don’t agree or even want to believe we should still maintain respect but no not with us… every shred of decency has been removed and what is left is the tearing down, the revictimizing of victims, the name calling, the disrespect, we have even gone as far as to threaten lives!!

My God what is Love?! What is Family?! This is beyond unbelievable! Folks that I once truly respected and admired and at one point looked up to, this is beyond heart breaking! I have seen, heard, witness and been taught over the past 4 1/2 years that things are never as they seem. It doesn’t matter how we dress it up, educate it up, live it up, cover it up, pretty it up a persons true nature will ALWAYS be revealed!

I expected some backlash, I expected some cursing and disagreements, I expected feathers to be ruffled because no one wants to believe that within their family (our family) something as vile and disgusting as sexual abuse and rape of children could/can happen!. No one wants that or even wants to be apart of or associated with anything of this nature, UNDERSTOODBUT when it resorts to being ultimately disrespected, being called or referred to as DOGS this goes beyond saying…

I can’t understand for the life of me, if YOU were never molested or raped by a particular perpetrator why does it affect you so?! The perpetrator have done their crime WHY are you so bothered by what others claim, feel or say if it wasn’t you?!… WHY do you continue to take things onto yourselves that has nothing to do with you?! I thought, in fact I know we are all adults and we will have to stand in our truths and take responsibility for our actions one way or the other… The constant personalizing, questioning or judging of another’s act or choice when did it become ours?!

Of this much I am CERTAIN, doesn’t matter how much we insult, belittle, berate or disrespect each other the TRUTH remains the TRUTH!! Truth can not be tainted, dispelled or negated!!! I just wished we all could have supported or not support but do so with more class but then again one would truly have to have class to do so!

My simple prayer is that TRULY this family would/will be able to get beyond this. There will be no LOVE lost for sure but this too shall pass. Unfortunately it will pass with a family where some bonds and relationships will never be recovered from because some words we can NEVER take back!

The worst part of this is that ALL of us are parents… I Pray none of our children or grandchildren EVER experience what myself and so many others have… the irony of that would be you same lot would want that perpetrator to pay for their crimes (but as long as it doesn’t come on your doorstep ‘who cares right?!)

Truth is from the behavior of a few of you your children probably would never even say! And before you’ll go swearing ‘my child would or wouldn’t’, use the time you’ve committed to bashing victims to go do some research!

I knew of and have experience conditional love (love with conditions) love of convenience, temperate love but I didn’t know that would have been displayed to this magnitude within this family…

I expect the name calling and bashing of myself and the other victims to continue after a selective few of you have read this, but even so one thing is for sure we CAN NOT disrespect, shame, curse/cuss, deny the TRUTH away… My hope is that we can go back to being civilized humans (imperfect beings) or at least try to be civil to each other (though that maybe a stretch for some) I know you will protest to my saying this but regardless I LOVE YOU ALL, whether you choose to accept or DENYLIFE GOES ON…

I for one will love you and continue to pray for you but from a distance.

Be blessed guys…❤❤❤ May God help us all!!

The Healing Process:

3 Jan

The healing process or The process of healing is as unique to each individual as their finger prints. We all experience and process things differently, therefore we heal differently. Do Not try to stop, block or hinder one’s process. The best you can do is be supportive and patient.

Dearest Grandma…

31 Dec

For years I was asked not to speak about being raped by my maternal grandmothers husband for the sake of protecting my grandmother. Her daughters had grown up with this fear that her husband would have killed her had THEY spoken out about him raping THEM. So, when grandma’s husband turned his gaze upon me at five (5) and began raping me at eleven (11) and even after sticking his fingers inside the body of my three year old sister, we were STILL held to secrecy for the sake of protecting Dearest Grandma from her husband.

I am the first grandchild for my grandmother, my mother her first child and after finding out in my adult years that my own mother was also raped by my grandmothers husband from ages six through sixteen (6-16) I was STILL asked NOT to speak to ‘protect my grandmother’. The level of betrayal I felt from the women in my family got to it’s tipping point when I finally broke my silence and spoke out about the years of abuse. I sought justice and there to meet me every day in court was my ‘grandmother’ who was present in full support of her ‘husband’. I cannot express or put into words what that felt like, seeing the woman that I was asked to shield, show up in defense of the man that raped my mother, myself and fondled a three year old.

After having several conversations with my ‘grandmother’ and realizing that she would have NEVER left her rapist husband’s side for the likes of her offsprings, the harsh reality set in that the matriarch of my family was and is complicit with the evil she brought home. Now, I’m just left to wonder, is that type of mental illness hereditary?!

This spoken piece was written back on February 17th of this year. It was just one of those days when the tears flowed uncontrollably when I thought about the indescribable pain of loss and betrayal I’ve had to endure for 35 long years for the sake of this woman, the woman from who’s loins I descended, the woman that looked at me and asked “can’t you find it in your heart to just get past this, it’s been so long ago?!” Now, this is the lineage from which I was birthed…

Join me as I/WE journey2free. From my heart to yours.

All rights are reserved by Larissa H. Rhone

Thanks to St. Thomas Events for their dedication to bringing this piece to life.
https://www.facebook.com/stthomasevents/

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Update 2

17 Dec

Thank You’s, Upcoming Video & Masked

😘 Thank you for your donations.

😘😘 Upcoming release of Grandma Awaken from your Slumber Video…

😘😘😘 Journey2Free launches Masked. A series for survivors of child sexual abuse to share their stories while wearing a disguise all in hopes of starting the healing process through speaking. More to come. Stay tuned….

If you, a friend or someone you know would like to participate in Masked connect with me by sending a message via messenger, or on any of my social media handles.

Journey with me: https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

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Email: Journeyfree2gmail.com

Thank you. Appreciate the feedback. 😘