In the midst of life there is death…

8 May

Postings to my Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4zuyxOC9foTd_Si_9AISZw  will resume shortly… Please feel free to subscribe, follow, comment, share…

 

 

Lessons: A Box of Plantains

1 May

Walked into a grocery store earlier tonight in search of a few Jamaican items. I knew this particular store carried the needed items so I made the trip. I went in for plantains amongst other things hoping to make my son some porridge in the morning. Already in a bit of a mood I approached the plantain display, my immediate thought was ‘these plantains look diseased‘. Jamaicans would refer to them as flucksy and full of yawz (unfit, young, not ready for consumption) Disappointed, I turned to walk away, but then decided to go back for a second look, to look a little deeper inside the container. To my astonishment, just under the first two rows of unfit looking plantains were some plump, fit, rather green and much healthier looking ones, I instantly paused, smile and drew a comparison, not because of my discovery but the fact that I had so quickly rushed to judgement and now felt silly.

Lesson:  A powerful yet humbling reminder inside the grocery store. Do not be so quick to disregard, walk away, turn noses up/down or turn our backs on something/someone not to our liking or satisfaction at first glance. Sometimes the surface looks dejected, battered, even unpleasant but if we just exercise a little patience, dig a little deeper and go beyond the surface we would be pleasantly amazed at what we find.

Reminder: Things are not always what they seem. Look beyond the surface.

Journey To Redemption

26 Apr

While rehearsing last night I broke down emotionally. During Act 1 something happen, not sure if it was the name calling, the intensity in which the lead actress delivered, the emotionally charged play or the flash back I had smack dab in the middle of my opening performance. Fact is, it happened. I felt the tears welling, I tried to fight it but, when I had to shout the words slut and whore directed at the lead actress ‘who’s playing a victim of child sexual abuse’ within that moment the flood gates open and the tears streamed down my face. I could feel it coming, one of those moments when I needed to be alone to feel, process and make sense of what was happening. I knew then no amount of reassurance from a cast I’m just getting to know was going to help me, I needed a moment to just bawl. I immediately walked off stage, found a corner back stage and I cried. Soon after the cast had finished rehearsing scene one and were slowly making their way back stage, I transformed into that girl that would never dare to make anyone see her cry but I couldn’t stop, the tears were streaming even faster now, my thoughts going a billion miles a minutes and memories came flooding.  I managed to pull myself together, walked dignifiedly to the nearest bathroom composed enough to check the stalls, realizing then there was no-one there but me so, I gave myself the needed permission to weep, though brief and I did just that.

I cried for a good four minutes,  again gathered myself together, walked back into the rehearsals and onto the stage. Thank God, I was with a group of individuals that have been rather supportive and understanding, so after a few hugs and reassurance I was ready again.

Scene 2 had me questioning myself, was it just a bit too soon to be doing this and why did I agree to play this part or any part for that matter in a play that’s so telling, so raw and so expressive?Well,  It seemed like a great idea at the time and a wonderful opportunity I thought to help my healing process (now, I’m not so sure), however, I made a commitment and I will by the grace of God make do on that commitment, get through my performance, the play and my speaking.

Today I experienced a wide array of emotions, this happens from time to time and is to be expected on this my Journey 2 Free.  I have come to terms with it I believe and acknowledge that on this journey to my freedom, I have to accept the good with the bad, the down right ugly and the sad and try to remain open to it all.  Let’s see what tomorrow brings, but for now, I’ll sit with the emotions I’m currently experiencing, for this too shall pass.

A Daughter’s Heart Break… Part 2

19 Apr
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I LOVE YOU DADDY!

There’s been a knot in my chest since the 2nd of April 2017, I’ve had several nightmares since then. I am uneasy, I keep replaying calling you, begging for you to wake up dad, to grant me the opportunity to say a proper and final goodbye. I have shed countless tears in private as well as publicly, my go to (writing) doesn’t seem to help much. I was unable to read my tribute to you on Thursday and though Rick and Julie offered to read it, I just couldn’t, they were my final words to you and I wanted to say them. (I will soon) I write now with tears streaming down my face, still questioning, besides the fact that you are dad and I love you, why does your passing bother me so?! Your passing have unearthed all types of emotions and left me in a state of quandary!

Death has a way of forcing us to reflect, whether on unfulfilled desires, unattained dreams, unmet goals, there is nothing like the passing of a friend, an associate or loved one that propels us to put things into perspective and compels us to search our hearts, question our motives, reignite passions, release or let go off old grudges, and drives us to be more compassionate, considerate, forgiving, loving and kind etc. even if it’s just for a moment…

For me however, this is really not the case. Dads passing somehow made me revert, it’s unfathomable, somewhat irritating and renders me cheerless. I remain in a  somber/melancholy like mood. I feel like a five year old child!

I find myself pining away, needing to feel my dad’s arms around me and him telling me just how much he loves me, the irony is, I NEVER received that type of affection as a little girl! Hence my confusion, (something for the professionals to explain) I have spent each quiet moment, no matter how brief, searching the crevasse of my heart trying to find an explanation to the emptiness I feel. I am relieved that dad is no longer uncomfortable or in pain, I’m content that he is resting peacefully, but much to my consternation I’m left feeling shaken, bothered and extremely emotional. WHY?! I have questioned my current state of being many times, I have yet to sit in total serenity and surrender to this feeling, but I’m beginning to make sense of it.

Every little girl wishes to be daddy’s little angel, the apple of his eye, the one that causes him to see reason, to as much as force him to change his life. Every little girl yearns to feel protected, shielded by her 1st knight in amour, her father. A dad emboldens his daughter, teaches her values, reminding her of her worth and how special a gift she is to the earth. Every girl wants to know that there is one man whose love is impenetrable towards her and regardless of what happens she is loved unconditionally, I’m no different. I LOVED my dad, and I know he LOVED me, but, we butted heads. It took us both a long time to see and unfortunately this is apart of my uneasiness and my query,  I am not at all certain DAD was able to see me…

TO BE CONTINUED…

A Daughter’s Heart Break… Part 1

5 Apr

I struggle to make sense of it all. Death is inevitable I know. He was 81 years old, had less than perfect health, often incoherent in the afternoons (dementia does that), had a few aches and pain, hunched over from osteoporosis, but, outside of that he was fine, or so I believed. He lived his allotted time according to Psalms 90 vs 10, so why, why does it bother me so?!

It’s been three days since my dad Mr. Horace (Lord L.M.B.) Rhone passed. I know it would have happened eventually, but my heart, my mind, my head, my stomach, is in knots.  Yes, he was a parent, a loved one, my dad, I should be distraught, and yes, it’s only been a few days therefore the pain of his loss is fresh, it’s overwhelming, but there is something more to it.

That knot I have been experiencing since, I now realize is as a result of my wanting to talk to my dad and had decided to do so on my return from my trip. I had it all planned. I  return Friday, went to dress rehearsal that night, woke up Saturday and met my obligations, attending the workshops I was asked and agreed to do, after which, head to New Britain to do the play “You Reap What You Sow” then Sunday, Sunday I would spend the afternoon with dad and my boys…. but,  It didn’t quite workout that way…

Now I’m left with all the questions swirling in my head, the one I most needed the answer to plays over and over in my mind. I’m almost certain daddy would not have had the perfect answer for me but I needed to ask, I needed to hear his response and regardless of what his response would have been, I was mentally prepared to accept  but…

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

COURT: DAY 7… A GRANDMOTHER’S BETRAYAL.

26 Mar

A Grandmother’s Betrayal… CHOOSE YOU!!!

Some days were unbearable (emotionally). Sitting across from the matriarch of the family, knowing she’s present at court not because of her daughters and granddaughters, but instead in support of her husband that sexually abused her daughters and granddaughters… Some days were tough!

Court: Day 7 This day was rather challenging (mentally) for me. The journey continues…

Choose You!

11 Mar

There comes a point in each of our lives when we have to choose SELF! It’s a sobering reminder that “you cannot please ALL the people ALL the time” a lesson I learned the hard way and continue to learn. Someone will always challenge or disagree with your actions or views, you will NEVER get the approval of ALL so stop trying!!

NO-ONE knows your struggles, your fears, your hurts and your pains like YOU do! YOU sit alone with your scars, your wounds and your tears, you do the best you can do to cope, to survive, to maintain but all the time showing face, for who and for what?!!

So many of us deny ourselves, our happiness and freedom to appease and stroke the egos of family members, significant others and friends, when truth is we are but a moments notice from loosing our sanity!

STOP caring so much about what others think! Life is hard at times, the struggle is real! We all have our crosses to bare and enough people around us pretending to care.

Opinions are just that Opinions!!

You want to see how quickly some stop caring? Go against their opinions, go against what THEY believe is good for you, because as long as it doesn’t show them up or cast a negative light, you’ll remain cool regardless of the sorrows that plaques you!

Truth is: BE YOU! The best version of you!
And, In the off chance you’re not sure of who YOU are, on the way to discovering YOU, be the best version of who YOU are today.

Love you guys! Have a blessed Saturday.

SIX YEAR OLD WITH ORAL GONORRHEA?!

8 Mar

After receiving a phone call about a six year old boy being taken to the doctor after complaining of feeling ill, it was discovered that he had gonorrhea of the mouth. In this video I’m appealing to some of my fellow Jamaicans to remove the wool from their eyes and come to the aid of our children. If you see something, say something! I know Child Sexual Abuse knows no color, creed, ethnicity etc Childhood Sexual Abuse is worldwide but I felt compelled to address my people, though the message is for EVERYONE! We all need to be willing to step up and save a child!

Email: Journeyfree2@gmail.com Journey2Free@outlook.com

CONVERSATION WITH ME…

8 Mar

I was awakened this morning by the younger me, forcibly asking me questions, while screaming Help! Help! HELP ME PLEASE!! 

She asked, what happened to You?! what happened to Me?! What happened to that bright-eyed, vivacious, precocious child We use to be?! Remember how they told us We had potential? They said WE were the hope of a generation cursed by mental slavery and trepidation. They told ME l was the likely prospect, I would excel because of my natural god given intellect, they told ME the future was bright and they were dependent on ME! So, again, what happened?! What happened to WE?!

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Filled with emotions, so deep was my remorse, pondering how to justify the reasons and respond to this little one. I dug deep questioning, how do I expound to this child?! I quivered from exertion having to explain not wanting to deny, I began to cry. Contemplating how to make HER understand reason, the how, the what, the whys. I leaped out of bed, ran to the bathroom for refuge, conjuring explanations less used. My mistake. Looking in the mirror to a sad and dreary state, my eyes swollen, I looked away with memories swirling, thinking what could be said, and how do I quite this screaming child inside my head!

HELLO!! Help! I’m trapped here inside, the time has come, explain to ME why WE hide?! Hello! she shrieked! I looked up, afraid to meet her gaze and surely there to greet me was her willful, defiant, interrogative stare. Are you going to tell me Larissa or will you continue to tuck me away?!

I sighed a sigh of relief and began to explicate.  We were hampered, We were altered, our life’s course kinda changed when the violation started, followed then by rape. We were forced to keep secrets, forced to rehearse lies, forced to hide and cover for others while stifling our cries. We were asked to assume positions We were much too young to hold, required involuntary to undertake an adults role, and with each occurrence and each terrorizing blow that light that shun brightly then turned to a glow. That light barely flickered with each passing night until the flames that once flickered dimmed lowly until it died. IMG_0325

So, as You developed and other things were thrust at You, We unknowingly adapted dads negativity, adopted moms fear and tucked and concealed them securely inside of Our pains, so insecurities grew, as Our self-worth diminished until the hope WE were left with became extinguished.

STOP! STOP! She interrupted; PLEASE, help ME understand, yes, WE were faced with these challenges, these obstacles, AND?! Why? Did all this cause you to run, to hide, to succumb?! Sounds like excuses for YOU not wanting to try!

Oh, wait a doggone minute! the older me interjected, cause I’ll be damned, being redirected by this child, ME. I took that shit personally! Refusing and not wanting to accept the truth in which She speaks. I lashed back, Listen! little girl, listen to me! Let’s not forget about the impediment, that hindrance, YOU know, that debilitating life altering disease that rendered US handicap threatening OUR lives from age three!  Do you remember all the lengthy and frequent hospital stays, not to mention near death experiences and surgeries?! Remember mom being told to make funeral arrangements for US not once but times three?! They gave up on US,  they wrote US off, YOU and ME! So forgive ME if I grew weary, got tired, gave up, no longer wanting to fight, I fought little one, an arduous fight not just to keep US sane but to keep US alive…

Sooooo again, let ME get this right, because You no longer wish to fight I have to now curl up, remain small, go away and do what?! Girl, YOU better wake up and think twice! YOU best reignite that fire cause I’m not ready to die!! Yes, I’ll admit, some of these assaults were crushing BUT I refuse to accept all this pain was for nothing! So, go search deep down within, find the strength honey and come again! I know we’ve been wounded, hurt, feeling broken inside, BUT, now I’ve been awakened, together WE ride, reunited, unapologetic and unified!! She then called me out…Larissa, what now?! 

What now? What now?! Little one I vow…

I will write for You, I speak for You, I claim victory over all WE say and do! I will reclaim that which was stolen, I break the bondage of lies, torment, defeat and proclaim though Our start was in hammered We will finish victoriously! I am so sorry Larissa, sorry I tucked you inside but today WE walk out of darkness and into the light.

I hugged Her inwardly. Larissa I immensely apologize, I beg of you my darling please be my alibi, hold me accountable and let’s ride! I now release the fear We were not meant to hold, letting go off false insecurities and false pride, I release you my darling, no longer will WE hide! Little girl so full of light, life and of love, I release you now, go, go on take flight but, before you go, please know, I am so sorry, I love you Larissa you’re released, now go…

I felt elevated, like joy was restored. I smiled and muttered for the first time in forever, I Love You Larissa Rhone. Just then I felt a tug, a pull, a gentle little hold and a voice in passing whispered, Larissa our story must be told! 

Women Supporting Women

5 Mar

A snippet of my talk with a group of beautiful women I was asked to address. This experience further opened my eyes to how many people are really hurting as a result of Child Sexual Abuse.  Please, let’s start talking. Another’s life may very well depend on it!  Join me as I/we journey2free.