Court Day 8: Frustration Sets In…

3 Jul

Almost there… Personally counting down the days for the court saga to be through so much has happened since then. So much to share but travel, crappy wifi and multiple projects along with being a mother have me a bit swamped but I’m still here…

 

 

Interrupt The Pattern…

17 Jun

So many of us were born into dysfunction, so many of us still live, breath and accept dysfunction as the norm unfortunately not being able to recognize or even call it out its name. 
So many of us inflicted, deeply scared mentally, emotionally some physically, by hurts that were not even ours to begin with, born to parents and into families that are unable to see or acknowledge their level of dysfunction. 
So many of us have and will continue to repeat the cycle of dysfunction giving to our children what we ‘got’ withholding what was withheld and the perpetual cycle remains becoming the damning gift that keeps giving…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BUT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do we break cycles, interrupt patterns and create change?! 
Acknowledgement being the first step, being able to recognize dysfunction, being able to uncomfortably sit/stand in dysfunction, being opened to feel (why are we so afraid to feel?!) yes, it will hurt, it will not feel good, it will be overwhelming, you may cry some like myself will bawl, but in order to release it, you have to first recognize it, accept it, be willing to work through it creating change and then release it, yes, let it go! 
Releasing dysfunction, creating shifts, adaptation to new and healthier patterns may result in the release or letting go of some habits and people including family, relatives, friends, associates that no longer serves us. Be reminded, some people are blinded unable to see or accept dysfunction it’s the only thing they identify with, its rooted and embedded in the fabric of who they are and that’s ok but for me I’m releasing, letting go and slowly but surely saying farewell to that which no longer serves me. 
 Refusing to pass on to my offsprings the dysfunction I was born into, bore witness to, I received, I mimicked, I learned, patterned, identified with and repeated. I am creating a new normal, change MUST come! I am tired, yes, I grew weary of trying to figure it out to make sense of it, or understand it. To each their own but dysfunction no longer serves me, there is another way, a better way and even if there isn’t I’ll create a way… Larissa
Enjoy your Saturday my lovelies. Be blessed. Love you!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
#journey2free #CSA #dysfunction #betrayal #newnorms #release #newday

Intervene…

13 Jun

Sexually abused children who aren’t believed or don’t receive help are more likely to have long-term problems with:

*Trusting themselves and others
*Self-confidence (due to unresolved guilt/shame)
*Mild to serious mental health problems
*Romantic/sexual relationships as an adolescent and adult
*Increased vulnerability to future social trauma…

Yet so many are still of the belief that being sexually abused as a child is no big deal! To those foolish enough to think this I say go educate yourselves!!

The list of cause and effects after such trauma (CSA) is never ending if a child is not helped, these issues carries to adulthood…

#journey2free #CSA #beintheknow #awareness #triumph #survivor #overcoming #educatethineself #J2F

Dearest Grandma… Trailer

7 Jun

Dearest Grandma, Awaken from your Slumber! (Prelude)

Let it begin…

Too many hurting!

On this journey…

In the midst of life there is death…

8 May

Postings to my Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4zuyxOC9foTd_Si_9AISZw  will resume shortly… Please feel free to subscribe, follow, comment, share…

 

 

Lessons: A Box of Plantains

1 May

Walked into a grocery store earlier tonight in search of a few Jamaican items. I knew this particular store carried the needed items so I made the trip. I went in for plantains amongst other things hoping to make my son some porridge in the morning. Already in a bit of a mood I approached the plantain display, my immediate thought was ‘these plantains look diseased‘. Jamaicans would refer to them as flucksy and full of yawz (unfit, young, not ready for consumption) Disappointed, I turned to walk away, but then decided to go back for a second look, to look a little deeper inside the container. To my astonishment, just under the first two rows of unfit looking plantains were some plump, fit, rather green and much healthier looking ones, I instantly paused, smile and drew a comparison, not because of my discovery but the fact that I had so quickly rushed to judgement and now felt silly.

Lesson:  A powerful yet humbling reminder inside the grocery store. Do not be so quick to disregard, walk away, turn noses up/down or turn our backs on something/someone not to our liking or satisfaction at first glance. Sometimes the surface looks dejected, battered, even unpleasant but if we just exercise a little patience, dig a little deeper and go beyond the surface we would be pleasantly amazed at what we find.

Reminder: Things are not always what they seem. Look beyond the surface.

Journey To Redemption

26 Apr

While rehearsing last night I broke down emotionally. During Act 1 something happen, not sure if it was the name calling, the intensity in which the lead actress delivered, the emotionally charged play or the flash back I had smack dab in the middle of my opening performance. Fact is, it happened. I felt the tears welling, I tried to fight it but, when I had to shout the words slut and whore directed at the lead actress ‘who’s playing a victim of child sexual abuse’ within that moment the flood gates open and the tears streamed down my face. I could feel it coming, one of those moments when I needed to be alone to feel, process and make sense of what was happening. I knew then no amount of reassurance from a cast I’m just getting to know was going to help me, I needed a moment to just bawl. I immediately walked off stage, found a corner back stage and I cried. Soon after the cast had finished rehearsing scene one and were slowly making their way back stage, I transformed into that girl that would never dare to make anyone see her cry but I couldn’t stop, the tears were streaming even faster now, my thoughts going a billion miles a minutes and memories came flooding.  I managed to pull myself together, walked dignifiedly to the nearest bathroom composed enough to check the stalls, realizing then there was no-one there but me so, I gave myself the needed permission to weep, though brief and I did just that.

I cried for a good four minutes,  again gathered myself together, walked back into the rehearsals and onto the stage. Thank God, I was with a group of individuals that have been rather supportive and understanding, so after a few hugs and reassurance I was ready again.

Scene 2 had me questioning myself, was it just a bit too soon to be doing this and why did I agree to play this part or any part for that matter in a play that’s so telling, so raw and so expressive?Well,  It seemed like a great idea at the time and a wonderful opportunity I thought to help my healing process (now, I’m not so sure), however, I made a commitment and I will by the grace of God make do on that commitment, get through my performance, the play and my speaking.

Today I experienced a wide array of emotions, this happens from time to time and is to be expected on this my Journey 2 Free.  I have come to terms with it I believe and acknowledge that on this journey to my freedom, I have to accept the good with the bad, the down right ugly and the sad and try to remain open to it all.  Let’s see what tomorrow brings, but for now, I’ll sit with the emotions I’m currently experiencing, for this too shall pass.

A Daughter’s Heart Break… Part 2

19 Apr
Horace-Rhone-1491567206

I LOVE YOU DADDY!

There’s been a knot in my chest since the 2nd of April 2017, I’ve had several nightmares since then. I am uneasy, I keep replaying calling you, begging for you to wake up dad, to grant me the opportunity to say a proper and final goodbye. I have shed countless tears in private as well as publicly, my go to (writing) doesn’t seem to help much. I was unable to read my tribute to you on Thursday and though Rick and Julie offered to read it, I just couldn’t, they were my final words to you and I wanted to say them. (I will soon) I write now with tears streaming down my face, still questioning, besides the fact that you are dad and I love you, why does your passing bother me so?! Your passing have unearthed all types of emotions and left me in a state of quandary!

Death has a way of forcing us to reflect, whether on unfulfilled desires, unattained dreams, unmet goals, there is nothing like the passing of a friend, an associate or loved one that propels us to put things into perspective and compels us to search our hearts, question our motives, reignite passions, release or let go off old grudges, and drives us to be more compassionate, considerate, forgiving, loving and kind etc. even if it’s just for a moment…

For me however, this is really not the case. Dads passing somehow made me revert, it’s unfathomable, somewhat irritating and renders me cheerless. I remain in a  somber/melancholy like mood. I feel like a five year old child!

I find myself pining away, needing to feel my dad’s arms around me and him telling me just how much he loves me, the irony is, I NEVER received that type of affection as a little girl! Hence my confusion, (something for the professionals to explain) I have spent each quiet moment, no matter how brief, searching the crevasse of my heart trying to find an explanation to the emptiness I feel. I am relieved that dad is no longer uncomfortable or in pain, I’m content that he is resting peacefully, but much to my consternation I’m left feeling shaken, bothered and extremely emotional. WHY?! I have questioned my current state of being many times, I have yet to sit in total serenity and surrender to this feeling, but I’m beginning to make sense of it.

Every little girl wishes to be daddy’s little angel, the apple of his eye, the one that causes him to see reason, to as much as force him to change his life. Every little girl yearns to feel protected, shielded by her 1st knight in amour, her father. A dad emboldens his daughter, teaches her values, reminding her of her worth and how special a gift she is to the earth. Every girl wants to know that there is one man whose love is impenetrable towards her and regardless of what happens she is loved unconditionally, I’m no different. I LOVED my dad, and I know he LOVED me, but, we butted heads. It took us both a long time to see and unfortunately this is apart of my uneasiness and my query,  I am not at all certain DAD was able to see me…

TO BE CONTINUED…

A Daughter’s Heart Break… Part 1

5 Apr

I struggle to make sense of it all. Death is inevitable I know. He was 81 years old, had less than perfect health, often incoherent in the afternoons (dementia does that), had a few aches and pain, hunched over from osteoporosis, but, outside of that he was fine, or so I believed. He lived his allotted time according to Psalms 90 vs 10, so why, why does it bother me so?!

It’s been three days since my dad Mr. Horace (Lord L.M.B.) Rhone passed. I know it would have happened eventually, but my heart, my mind, my head, my stomach, is in knots.  Yes, he was a parent, a loved one, my dad, I should be distraught, and yes, it’s only been a few days therefore the pain of his loss is fresh, it’s overwhelming, but there is something more to it.

That knot I have been experiencing since, I now realize is as a result of my wanting to talk to my dad and had decided to do so on my return from my trip. I had it all planned. I  return Friday, went to dress rehearsal that night, woke up Saturday and met my obligations, attending the workshops I was asked and agreed to do, after which, head to New Britain to do the play “You Reap What You Sow” then Sunday, Sunday I would spend the afternoon with dad and my boys…. but,  It didn’t quite workout that way…

Now I’m left with all the questions swirling in my head, the one I most needed the answer to plays over and over in my mind. I’m almost certain daddy would not have had the perfect answer for me but I needed to ask, I needed to hear his response and regardless of what his response would have been, I was mentally prepared to accept  but…

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

COURT: DAY 7… A GRANDMOTHER’S BETRAYAL.

26 Mar

A Grandmother’s Betrayal… CHOOSE YOU!!!

Some days were unbearable (emotionally). Sitting across from the matriarch of the family, knowing she’s present at court not because of her daughters and granddaughters, but instead in support of her husband that sexually abused her daughters and granddaughters… Some days were tough!

Court: Day 7 This day was rather challenging (mentally) for me. The journey continues…