Family in Ruins…

14 Jan

I NEVER thought in a million years that victims that were sexually abused as children that have lived with guilt and shame FINALLY having the courage to speak about their ordeal could ever result in something this nasty!

I’ve heard and read of families being at odds with each other but to the levels that have been displayed here… This is beyond classless and disrespectful coming from folks that previously expressed and verbalized their love to and for each other. We have completely moved away from agreeing to disagree, having or sharing differences of opinions, respectfully disagreeing while still maintaining class and respect for each other. As a (family) when we don’t agree or even want to believe we should still maintain respect but no not with us… every shred of decency has been removed and what is left is the tearing down, the revictimizing of victims, the name calling, the disrespect, we have even gone as far as to threaten lives!!

My God what is Love?! What is Family?! This is beyond unbelievable! Folks that I once truly respected and admired and at one point looked up to, this is beyond heart breaking! I have seen, heard, witness and been taught over the past 4 1/2 years that things are never as they seem. It doesn’t matter how we dress it up, educate it up, live it up, cover it up, pretty it up a persons true nature will ALWAYS be revealed!

I expected some backlash, I expected some cursing and disagreements, I expected feathers to be ruffled because no one wants to believe that within their family (our family) something as vile and disgusting as sexual abuse and rape of children could/can happen!. No one wants that or even wants to be apart of or associated with anything of this nature, UNDERSTOODBUT when it resorts to being ultimately disrespected, being called or referred to as DOGS this goes beyond saying…

I can’t understand for the life of me, if YOU were never molested or raped by a particular perpetrator why does it affect you so?! The perpetrator have done their crime WHY are you so bothered by what others claim, feel or say if it wasn’t you?!… WHY do you continue to take things onto yourselves that has nothing to do with you?! I thought, in fact I know we are all adults and we will have to stand in our truths and take responsibility for our actions one way or the other… The constant personalizing, questioning or judging of another’s act or choice when did it become ours?!

Of this much I am CERTAIN, doesn’t matter how much we insult, belittle, berate or disrespect each other the TRUTH remains the TRUTH!! Truth can not be tainted, dispelled or negated!!! I just wished we all could have supported or not support but do so with more class but then again one would truly have to have class to do so!

My simple prayer is that TRULY this family would/will be able to get beyond this. There will be no LOVE lost for sure but this too shall pass. Unfortunately it will pass with a family where some bonds and relationships will never be recovered from because some words we can NEVER take back!

The worst part of this is that ALL of us are parents… I Pray none of our children or grandchildren EVER experience what myself and so many others have… the irony of that would be you same lot would want that perpetrator to pay for their crimes (but as long as it doesn’t come on your doorstep ‘who cares right?!)

Truth is from the behavior of a few of you your children probably would never even say! And before you’ll go swearing ‘my child would or wouldn’t’, use the time you’ve committed to bashing victims to go do some research!

I knew of and have experience conditional love (love with conditions) love of convenience, temperate love but I didn’t know that would have been displayed to this magnitude within this family…

I expect the name calling and bashing of myself and the other victims to continue after a selective few of you have read this, but even so one thing is for sure we CAN NOT disrespect, shame, curse/cuss, deny the TRUTH away… My hope is that we can go back to being civilized humans (imperfect beings) or at least try to be civil to each other (though that maybe a stretch for some) I know you will protest to my saying this but regardless I LOVE YOU ALL, whether you choose to accept or DENYLIFE GOES ON…

I for one will love you and continue to pray for you but from a distance.

Be blessed guys…❤❤❤ May God help us all!!

The Healing Process:

3 Jan

The healing process or The process of healing is as unique to each individual as their finger prints. We all experience and process things differently, therefore we heal differently. Do Not try to stop, block or hinder one’s process. The best you can do is be supportive and patient.

Dearest Grandma…

31 Dec

For years I was asked not to speak about being raped by my maternal grandmothers husband for the sake of protecting my grandmother. Her daughters had grown up with this fear that her husband would have killed her had THEY spoken out about him raping THEM. So, when grandma’s husband turned his gaze upon me at five (5) and began raping me at eleven (11) and even after sticking his fingers inside the body of my three year old sister, we were STILL held to secrecy for the sake of protecting Dearest Grandma from her husband.

I am the first grandchild for my grandmother, my mother her first child and after finding out in my adult years that my own mother was also raped by my grandmothers husband from ages six through sixteen (6-16) I was STILL asked NOT to speak to ‘protect my grandmother’. The level of betrayal I felt from the women in my family got to it’s tipping point when I finally broke my silence and spoke out about the years of abuse. I sought justice and there to meet me every day in court was my ‘grandmother’ who was present in full support of her ‘husband’. I cannot express or put into words what that felt like, seeing the woman that I was asked to shield, show up in defense of the man that raped my mother, myself and fondled a three year old.

After having several conversations with my ‘grandmother’ and realizing that she would have NEVER left her rapist husband’s side for the likes of her offsprings, the harsh reality set in that the matriarch of my family was and is complicit with the evil she brought home. Now, I’m just left to wonder, is that type of mental illness hereditary?!

This spoken piece was written back on February 17th of this year. It was just one of those days when the tears flowed uncontrollably when I thought about the indescribable pain of loss and betrayal I’ve had to endure for 35 long years for the sake of this woman, the woman from who’s loins I descended, the woman that looked at me and asked “can’t you find it in your heart to just get past this, it’s been so long ago?!” Now, this is the lineage from which I was birthed…

Join me as I/WE journey2free. From my heart to yours.

All rights are reserved by Larissa H. Rhone

Thanks to St. Thomas Events for their dedication to bringing this piece to life.
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Update 2

17 Dec

Thank You’s, Upcoming Video & Masked

😘 Thank you for your donations.

😘😘 Upcoming release of Grandma Awaken from your Slumber Video…

😘😘😘 Journey2Free launches Masked. A series for survivors of child sexual abuse to share their stories while wearing a disguise all in hopes of starting the healing process through speaking. More to come. Stay tuned….

If you, a friend or someone you know would like to participate in Masked connect with me by sending a message via messenger, or on any of my social media handles.

Journey with me: https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

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Email: Journeyfree2gmail.com

Thank you. Appreciate the feedback. 😘

Becoming an Optimist…

15 Nov

It matters not how ideal our life may seem to others, or how we pretend all is well, we all encounter those days where nothing, and I mean nothing seem to go right, how do you cope?

I am learning day by day to just be! To be present, to be still, and to accept that no matter how hard I try there will be days where nothing goes according to plan. But, the off days are much easier to handle than an off week or two.

My current situation: I have been mostly immobile  for over two weeks due to an unfamiliar health issue. Living with a chronic illness such as sickle cell anemia it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise when the body starts acting up or you experience new symptoms. After all, Sickle Cell Anemia affects EVERY area of your body, no part of the body is exempt, from your brain to your toe nails.

These new symptoms however startled me. Dizziness, I have experienced dizziness before because I struggle with abnormally low blood pressure but, this, this is different. Imagine being so dizzy that the very ground beneath you moves, the roof above you spins rapidly and you cannot maintain a steady balance. The only thing I can possible equate this experience to; as a child my very first trip to the amusement park I was so excited to ride the rides but found out half way into the ride I had horrible motion sickness, not only did I barf but I lost all sense of gravity. (That damn fling-mi-dash at Hope Gardens, Jamaica)

I was recently asked, “Aren’t you use to this by now?!” To which I sarcastically grinned and replied as calmly as I possibly could “Can one ever get use to being sick?!” Normally I would freak, stressing about being confined to a bed, which would only result in a worsened crisis that would end with me being in the place I hate most (the hospital) but, as much as I hate this, and it’s really starting to annoy me, I am choosing to take it all in strides believing that this too shall pass, that everything happens for a reason and all things work together for the good! From a pessimistic belief to optimism, ha, it feels better this way!

This is how I cope, I talk to myself! I’m not crazy (well, maybe a little) but, my current self talk: Well Larissa, It’s been almost three weeks, it’s about time you get back on your feet. They’re places to go, things to do and people to see and being in bed is just not working for me! This bout of illness has just about run its course, I’m so over this now whatever the source. Regardless of what the doctor says child you never listen, you are not about to start now by giving in. So with the dawn of the new day, you’re going to get up comes what may, if you stagger, if you stumble and even if you fall, you’ll simply get back up and try again, cause girl you’re a survivor above all. With that said, I await daybreak.

 

SETBACKS…

8 Nov

Consistency have always been a major issue for me, I struggle in this area not because I’m lackadaisical or lazy (though sometimes I am), but simply because my life have been a series of leaps and bounds and setbacks. This isn’t mental (though in some cases it is) this is simply because there’s a major factor at play and that is, living with a chronic disease. I make no excuses, I do what I have to do, working as hard as I possible can when I’m well, then, they’re those days when…

The pass few weeks have been a perfect example of experiencing highs, then accepting the lows. I’ve accomplished a great deal within the pass few months but in the midst of executing, prepping and planning there is another major part of my life I must contend with, living with Sickle Cell Anemia. Much like being tight lipped about being sexually abused as a child, this other part of my life I NEVER speak about openly, until now!

Living with a chronic disease such as SCA is debilitating to say the least. The good days are great but, on the days when every part of your body aches, your energy is gone and you struggle to even take a breath, it’s bad! To avoid the questions, the stares, the pity glances the insensitive and sometimes crude comments, I seldom speak about living with this disease. Outside of my family, a few close friends and my medical team only a very selective few knows how challenging a plight surviving with this disease has been.

However, like everything else in my life it’s about acceptance, realistically speaking I’m living with this thing that sometimes renders me immobile for days, at times weeks! I used to be so bummed about this and if I’m to be honest, ashamed. Yes, I use to be ashamed of being sick… My name is Larissa H. Rhone I have sickle cell anemia, sickle cell anemia does NOT have me… We speak from here on out.

We Need More Voices!

25 Oct

Over the course of the last 10 months I’ve had this recurring experience, each and every time I open my mouth and speak about Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) regardless of where I am and to whom I am speaking, I find that individual or person’s I’m addressing have experience this ordeal or, they know someone that have had the experience. I have seen and have read the stats, and I must admit I am left questioning the approximation of the (one in every three (3) girls and one in every six (6) boys figure). I happen to know that the stat’s recorded is that of reported cases, which leaves me dumbfounded and truly afraid, questioning what is the actual figure?! How many of US are their really?! How many of US have actually experienced this evil AND how many more will their be?!

More light is being shed on this topic in recent years HOWEVER, much more NEEDS to be done! CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE ALTERS AND YES, RUINS LIVES!!!

In the underdeveloped mind of a child their sense of wonder and optimisms is interrupted, trust is broken, curiosity altered and everything that was once beautiful, innocent and a mystery is now mystified and fuddled. Behaviors that follow often perplex others. A  child that has been sexually violated will NEVER be the same! A shift happens in their brain and the act of betrayal permeates every fiber of their being. Studies show that victims of Child Sexual Abuse displays one or more of these harmful symptoms, symptoms such as:

Depression

Addiction

Suicide

Homicide

Psychosis

Intimacy

Dissociation

Trust Issues

Promiscuity

Self Mutilation

Self Esteem Issues

Anxiety/Panic Attacks

Sexual Dysfunction

Anti-social Personality

Sexual Identity Disorder

Withdrawals and the list goes on…

Many of these symptoms manifest during adulthood and many symptoms go undetected for years. For far too long Child Sexual Abuse have remained the most taboo topic. Many still struggle to SPEAK or have a basic discussion, yet, it’s still happening at an alarming rate! Why?! Victims struggle to speak, because (relying on the stats) it’s reported that 93% YES 93% of victims know their abuser. Therefore, it causes US victims to remain mute, ashamed and afraid because God forbid someone finds out my father, mother, grand-pappy, uncle, aunty, pastor, coach, teacher, brother, sister, cousin raped or sexually violated me, oh the horror, the judgement, what will the world think of me and how will I be viewed? The truth is, these predators strive of our silence, oh yes!  Our not speaking enables and emboldens the perp. I heard it said that SILENCE IS A PREDATORS BEST FRIEND, and this proved true not only in my case, but almost in every case!

In my life I have dealt with and experience ‘several‘ of these symptoms. I will be sharing my personal experience with some of these symptoms in hopes others will be able to relate and identify. But, in the meantime I encourage, in fact I implore victims and survivors alike, ‘Be emboldened and let’s start speaking out!‘ Our life, our children’s life depends on it! Being sexually violated is NOT your shame!

Let’s Reassign The Shame and focus on saving another from having to live with the torment! From my heart to yours… Journey 2 Free.

 

FICKLED

12 Oct

Until you CHANGE your thinking, you will always recycle your experiences. (anonymous)

On the days you feel most alone, those days you’re surrounded by many yet entrapped within the walls of your solitary existence are the days the repetitive acts of betrayal resurfaces forcing withdraw and isolation. Those days when emotions run wild, feeling, believing, convincing self (they) everyone, no-one can be trusted! We retreat, we fall back, retiring to that place where we feel most safe even if it’s only in our heads.

There is no time frame given on how long (we) the overcoming survivors of child sexual abuse may require to be in this head space, that space where no-one is allowed. We break down, try to process and make sense of the chaos around. It’s a secure place to be, where nothing or no-one from the outside world can infiltrate or permeate or thoughts our thinking because we look at everything and everyone sideways, everyone is a suspect just wanting, waiting, seeking that which they may devour.

Those moments when the memories emerges and self-pity dangerously toys with taking up familiar course, it’s usual residence. When anger starts to rise with seething disdain and distrust and the feeling of being robbed of your innocence and pride dances recklessly a little too close to that place where tainted belief of self resides and the not good enough anthem starts to sound the alarm.

It’s a very thin line between sanity and insanity!

A victim of child sexual abuse would know this. Everyday is a constant struggle, a mental struggle of how to act, think or feel. Do we remain in a state of victimhood? Do we continue to not trust and look at everyone wide eyed? Do we do the infamous neck pulled back (yeah right smirk) to every questionable promise or comment made? Do we let our guards down? The questions are endless…

For some of us it gets tiring! Frustration takes hold, the constant back and forth in our heads. It’s unsettling not knowing who to trust, having no confidence in our self or our abilities. Uncertain when to release, questioning, replaying, rethinking ever choice, ever decision, the internal dialogue and obsessive chit chatter never ends UNTIL, UNTIL we decide to make a change (whoosaaaah) ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

A child sexually abused that was silenced and never afforded the help or opportunity to heal now an adult would attest to the fact that there is a thin line between sanity and insanity or at least that is how I strongly feel!

 

DON’T SPEAK!

24 Sep

Each time I hear the question asked “why can’t you just get over it!” I cringe, yes my stomach churns, these three words  ‘get over it! triggers a less than pleasant response.

I’ve garnered support and established new friendships with a few ladies I will respectably refer to as ‘age-ables’, and though our chance meetings may be summed up as bittersweet, I cherish every moment I spend in their presence and cling to their every word. Our stories is what binds us, the familiarity of our ugly truths, a common theme PAIN. The pain of being taken advantaged of as little girls now adults, ‘adulting’ from a place of brokeness. These women are well into their sixties (60’s) and still carry with them the ghost of what could have been, the ash of what should have been and the stagnant remnants of a past experience that never truly decays. Forced to lock away, to hide, to suppress memories while unknowingly hiding, suppressing, loosing themselves and everything else in the process. Sixties (60’s) and still struggling, some still barely surviving, still not knowing who they are at their core, some still unable to shake off or break free the invisible restraints of family secrets and shame, yet, are still being expected and asked (why can’t you get over it?!). With each exchange, with every shared detail I’m privy to, in the voices I hear a longing, coupled with deep sadness yet masked as full fledged, totally capable, well put together and competent functioning beings. When will we get over it?! When the game playing and hypocrisy cease!

A child that has been sexually abused grows into an adult that have been sexually abused. Trapped beneath the surface is a tortured soul. A soul that is disconnected, a soul that’s in search and in need of being whole. We learn to disconnect, separating mind and body. Like functioning alcoholics we compartmentalize separating body from our feelings and are fully capable of playing the roles, meeting our demands, our responsibilities, being everything to everyone at all times with little or no regard to self and what it is WE (the tortured souls) actually needs.

When will YOU see, know or understand, there is a loss that is experienced when sexually abused as a child?! Loss of power, loss of pride, loss of dignity, a loss of truth and a true sense of who you really are, loosing an identity before even having the chance or ability to develop or create one.

I’ve become accustom to the callous, uncaring and insensitive remarks of those that have not had the experience and chooses to be closed minded, even worst are those that have had the experience but lack empathy, is void of compassion and struggles with sincerity these are the same folks that say ‘I understand but’… A victim of child sexual abuse doesn’t seek to be pitied, and unless you’ve been there we truly don’t expect you to understand! However, If you insist on asking questions from a from a place of judgement and misguidedness do us ALL a favor, DON’T SPEAK!

While on this journey of navigating unfamiliar paths and charting new courses, I honestly thought time would have healed the wounds and it will, but they cut deep!  Being made aware by the ageables that though ‘scars may appear faded on the surface they are permanently tattooed on the soul’. Some are fortunate to have received needed help, others like myself are on their way to healing while others remain loss and unfortunately will never find their way. Most painful of all, are those that have gone back to the earth with the secrets, never having the opportunity of being free. It all hurts and one things for certain, it NEVER goes away, You NEVER forget and for DAMN SURE it’s not something YOU JUST GET OVER!!! 

Yes, healing is possible but it is constant, the pursuit is never ending, the process is daunting and tedious and it takes loads of work! While on this journey… From my heart to yours…

To be continued…

 

 

Pained

23 Sep
“A life lived in constant pain, suppressing hurts and misinterpreted shame is no life lived at all!” (LHR)
 
I hurt for you! I cry for you! My heart breaks and bleeds for you!
 
I wonder, how many people have died taking with them secrets that drove them to an early grave? Secrets that weren’t theirs to even keep and if only those secrets were revealed they would still be here… Freed!
 
I hurt for you! I cry for you! My heart breaks and bleeds for you!
 
My heart is heavy…