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Becoming an Optimist…

15 Nov

It matters not how ideal our life may seem to others, or how we pretend all is well, we all encounter those days where nothing, and I mean nothing seem to go right, how do you cope?

I am learning day by day to just be! To be present, to be still, and to accept that no matter how hard I try there will be days where nothing goes according to plan. But, the off days are much easier to handle than an off week or two.

My current situation: I have been mostly immobile  for over two weeks due to an unfamiliar health issue. Living with a chronic illness such as sickle cell anemia it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise when the body starts acting up or you experience new symptoms. After all, Sickle Cell Anemia affects EVERY area of your body, no part of the body is exempt, from your brain to your toe nails.

These new symptoms however startled me. Dizziness, I have experienced dizziness before because I struggle with abnormally low blood pressure but, this, this is different. Imagine being so dizzy that the very ground beneath you moves, the roof above you spins rapidly and you cannot maintain a steady balance. The only thing I can possible equate this experience to; as a child my very first trip to the amusement park I was so excited to ride the rides but found out half way into the ride I had horrible motion sickness, not only did I barf but I lost all sense of gravity. (That damn fling-mi-dash at Hope Gardens, Jamaica)

I was recently asked, “Aren’t you use to this by now?!” To which I sarcastically grinned and replied as calmly as I possibly could “Can one ever get use to being sick?!” Normally I would freak, stressing about being confined to a bed, which would only result in a worsened crisis that would end with me being in the place I hate most (the hospital) but, as much as I hate this, and it’s really starting to annoy me, I am choosing to take it all in strides believing that this too shall pass, that everything happens for a reason and all things work together for the good! From a pessimistic belief to optimism, ha, it feels better this way!

This is how I cope, I talk to myself! I’m not crazy (well, maybe a little) but, my current self talk: Well Larissa, It’s been almost three weeks, it’s about time you get back on your feet. They’re places to go, things to do and people to see and being in bed is just not working for me! This bout of illness has just about run its course, I’m so over this now whatever the source. Regardless of what the doctor says child you never listen, you are not about to start now by giving in. So with the dawn of the new day, you’re going to get up comes what may, if you stagger, if you stumble and even if you fall, you’ll simply get back up and try again, cause girl you’re a survivor above all. With that said, I await daybreak.


Dearest Grandma… Trailer

7 Jun

Dearest Grandma, Awaken from your Slumber! (Prelude)

Let it begin…

Too many hurting!

On this journey…


8 Mar

I was awakened this morning by the younger me, forcibly asking me questions, while screaming Help! Help! HELP ME PLEASE!! 

She asked, what happened to You?! what happened to Me?! What happened to that bright-eyed, vivacious, precocious child We use to be?! Remember how they told us We had potential? They said WE were the hope of a generation cursed by mental slavery and trepidation. They told ME l was the likely prospect, I would excel because of my natural god given intellect, they told ME the future was bright and they were dependent on ME! So, again, what happened?! What happened to WE?!


Filled with emotions, so deep was my remorse, pondering how to justify the reasons and respond to this little one. I dug deep questioning, how do I expound to this child?! I quivered from exertion having to explain not wanting to deny, I began to cry. Contemplating how to make HER understand reason, the how, the what, the whys. I leaped out of bed, ran to the bathroom for refuge, conjuring explanations less used. My mistake. Looking in the mirror to a sad and dreary state, my eyes swollen, I looked away with memories swirling, thinking what could be said, and how do I quite this screaming child inside my head!

HELLO!! Help! I’m trapped here inside, the time has come, explain to ME why WE hide?! Hello! she shrieked! I looked up, afraid to meet her gaze and surely there to greet me was her willful, defiant, interrogative stare. Are you going to tell me Larissa or will you continue to tuck me away?!

I sighed a sigh of relief and began to explicate.  We were hampered, We were altered, our life’s course kinda changed when the violation started, followed then by rape. We were forced to keep secrets, forced to rehearse lies, forced to hide and cover for others while stifling our cries. We were asked to assume positions We were much too young to hold, required involuntary to undertake an adults role, and with each occurrence and each terrorizing blow that light that shun brightly then turned to a glow. That light barely flickered with each passing night until the flames that once flickered dimmed lowly until it died. IMG_0325

So, as You developed and other things were thrust at You, We unknowingly adapted dads negativity, adopted moms fear and tucked and concealed them securely inside of Our pains, so insecurities grew, as Our self-worth diminished until the hope WE were left with became extinguished.

STOP! STOP! She interrupted; PLEASE, help ME understand, yes, WE were faced with these challenges, these obstacles, AND?! Why? Did all this cause you to run, to hide, to succumb?! Sounds like excuses for YOU not wanting to try!

Oh, wait a doggone minute! the older me interjected, cause I’ll be damned, being redirected by this child, ME. I took that shit personally! Refusing and not wanting to accept the truth in which She speaks. I lashed back, Listen! little girl, listen to me! Let’s not forget about the impediment, that hindrance, YOU know, that debilitating life altering disease that rendered US handicap threatening OUR lives from age three!  Do you remember all the lengthy and frequent hospital stays, not to mention near death experiences and surgeries?! Remember mom being told to make funeral arrangements for US not once but times three?! They gave up on US,  they wrote US off, YOU and ME! So forgive ME if I grew weary, got tired, gave up, no longer wanting to fight, I fought little one, an arduous fight not just to keep US sane but to keep US alive…

Sooooo again, let ME get this right, because You no longer wish to fight I have to now curl up, remain small, go away and do what?! Girl, YOU better wake up and think twice! YOU best reignite that fire cause I’m not ready to die!! Yes, I’ll admit, some of these assaults were crushing BUT I refuse to accept all this pain was for nothing! So, go search deep down within, find the strength honey and come again! I know we’ve been wounded, hurt, feeling broken inside, BUT, now I’ve been awakened, together WE ride, reunited, unapologetic and unified!! She then called me out…Larissa, what now?! 

What now? What now?! Little one I vow…

I will write for You, I speak for You, I claim victory over all WE say and do! I will reclaim that which was stolen, I break the bondage of lies, torment, defeat and proclaim though Our start was in hammered We will finish victoriously! I am so sorry Larissa, sorry I tucked you inside but today WE walk out of darkness and into the light.

I hugged Her inwardly. Larissa I immensely apologize, I beg of you my darling please be my alibi, hold me accountable and let’s ride! I now release the fear We were not meant to hold, letting go off false insecurities and false pride, I release you my darling, no longer will WE hide! Little girl so full of light, life and of love, I release you now, go, go on take flight but, before you go, please know, I am so sorry, I love you Larissa you’re released, now go…

I felt elevated, like joy was restored. I smiled and muttered for the first time in forever, I Love You Larissa Rhone. Just then I felt a tug, a pull, a gentle little hold and a voice in passing whispered, Larissa our story must be told! 

Women Supporting Women

5 Mar

A snippet of my talk with a group of beautiful women I was asked to address. This experience further opened my eyes to how many people are really hurting as a result of Child Sexual Abuse.  Please, let’s start talking. Another’s life may very well depend on it!  Join me as I/we journey2free.

Day 1 Court Begins… (CSA)

12 Feb

Capturing the moments… As mentioned in a previous video, I tried to chronicle the last six weeks of my court case as best as I could. Finally gaining the courage to stand up for myself and SO many others. I decided to take that stand and file charges against the man who raped and violated me and several other family members years ago.

There were days I was strong and felt empowered and days that I got so emotional and overwhelmed!  Speaking your Truth, standing up for self, seeking justice and writing a wrong will definitely bring additional stressors BUT the strength gained is priceless!

Journey with me…


Reassign the Shame… Speak!

You Did, It’s Your Fault…

30 Jan

This piece was submitted by a supporter of J2F in the fight against CSA. Let me know what you think…

You Did, It’s Your Fault!

 Written and submitted By Marvin Walters. 

You were suppose to be my protector not a molester, 

You were suppose to be my hero but your heart was at degree zero.

You were suppose to hold my hands and lead the way, 

Instead you touched me places and said that’s how you play. 

I gave you my trust instead you stole my innocence and told me hush,

I told those who I thought care instead they covered my mouth in fear.

My skin is flawlessly beautiful but you left on it many unforgettable scares, 

My life on earth is now a living hell cant wait to be in heaven beyond the stars.

He made me do things that I would never want to do, 

and after he finished he’d say nothing but, I love you.

Mom worked the night shift so we were left in the dark

He played with me in the showers instead of taking me to the park. 

Manipulated into thinking I know not right from wrong,

Overpowered by his stature; my weakness makes him strong.

Loathing at the thought that the time has come to go to bed,

Escaping all the nightmares; forcing them to the back of my head.

Sexually deviant and wicked; he’s completely out of control,

Twisted are his thoughts, as he finally takes my soul.

Evil vicious cycle; spinning round and round and round,

Devastation lasting a life-time; still waiting to be found.

Silence I have learned; haunting memories hiding within,

Trust I give to no one; for all of life is one big sin.

Exiled from a childhood, that helped make me who I am today,

Disgraced by the memories as I watched my childhood fade away.


15 Jan


You were suppose to love me – Not abuse me

You were suppose to teach me – Not confuse me

You were suppose to guide, direct, and shield – Not have SEX with me!

You were meant to protect but – You destroyed me mentally.

You told me I was born for a purpose and expected me to understand, but how could I if seemingly I was just a part of your sick, twisted and sinister plan. You said I’m here for a reason, PLEASE explain the reason to me! Was it to suffer from pain and anguish?! That’s what I know, that’s all I’ve seen.

How can you say I’ll be someone great! Why, Why, couldn’t you just let me be?!

Now tell me, what life value can you instill in me, when the man who was suppose to love me, teach me, shelter and protect me won’t let me be?! Life from my perspective now becomes to hell with you, to hell with me?!


Instead you took advantage- you stole my innocence, you took my sense of wonder, you annihilated hope, decimated trust, you blighted the future! YOU VIOLATED ME!

You don’t know where I’m heading and where I’ll end up aint no telling!

You shattered dreams, you broke my heart, you replaced joy with pain and turned something beautiful and pure into utter disdain.


BUT, these were the actions and beliefs of dear old grandad, so what are you saying I shouldn’t be sad?!

You dare not ask me to be happy, I much enjoy being sad, for it was those time that I was happy…

It maybe twisted but I’m glad when I’m sad.

I could pretend but it would be all lies, and don’t you DARE go judging me until you’ve looked through my eyes!


The Fear Of The Unknown

3 Jul

The Fear Of The Unknown


Self applied limitations are the hardest to break free,

Loosening the restrains, overstepping the boundaries, reaching above the confines I placed on me.

Change is scary, who wants to take the chance?

Fact is, fear intensify at first glance.

I heard them say nothing tried, nothing gained,

Overwhelmed from the fear of the unknown?

Live your life, lighten up, take risks… have fun!

You may be thrilled,  surprised even at new strengths found.

Scary yeah… taking chances creates self-doubt…

Re-examine yourself, determination to succeed lies within,

Push, Try, if not, fear grows and troubles surmount.

When fear is confronted…contentment, joy,  you flourish comfortably in your skin.

No-one hinders your chances; no-one stops your progress but you…

Timid… controlled by fright…frozen… The fear of the unknown.

Risks are meant to be taken,  confidence grows this proves true,

Give no thought to failure…make the unknown known to you!

Fight the urge to wallow in self-pity, pull yourself out of the funk

Fear will hold you hostage…  FIGHT… show the world you’ve got spunk!

Conquer your fear, take chances, watch fear lose its hold.

It’s OK to be frightened, I’m sure all will agree, but, not to the point where you’re crippled  mentally

Have courage; take refuge, be at peace in knowing, it begins internally

Vanquish your doubts… watch fear release its grip

experience the experience of the unknown, now transformed into the joy of knowing.


19 Jun



I Lived

I Loved

I Laughed

I Prayed

            I Felt Pain

               I Cried

                    I Hurt

                        I was Betrayed

                                     I made Friends

                                         I was a Friend

                                             I lost Friends

                                                 I had enemies

                                                              I was Brave

                                                                 I was Weak

                                                                     I was Strong

                                                                 I was Me!

                                                                                      I Hoped

                                                                                          I Prayed

                                                                                               I Believed

                                                                                                    I Dreamed

                                                                                                                    I Fought

                                                                                                                        I Persevered

                                                                                                                           I took  Chances

                                                                                                                              I Leaped


 I Traveled

   I was Transformed

       I was Reborn!                                                          

                                     I Evolved  

                             I made a Difference 

                                            I made a Change   

                                                 I Forgave

                                                         I Laughed                      

                                                             I Loved

                                                                         I LIVED                   

                                                                   I PRAYED

                                             I WAS UNIQUELY ME!


                                                                                                                                                                                                    By: Larissa Rhone


10 Jun



My life,

My tears, my fears

My obstacles, my trials, my cares

My battles,

My pains, my strife

My experiences, my ways, My Life


My challenges,

My habits, my scars

My mistakes, my trials and errors

My happiness

My victories, my beliefs

My hopes, my aspirations, my dreams

My wishes

My expectation, my gifts,

My talents, my wants, my needs

My love

My pride, my experiences,

My future, past and present,

My disappointments,

My joy, my hurts,

The lessons learned, my life… yeah…My Life


We may travel similar paths, but the road taken are different, our journey, thee journey taken does not contrast.



Travel life, travel light, travel well. Just keep on traveling…

The journey is never simply it’s unpredictable, yet… travel, continue on your path, endure, abide on your journey, keep trotting until the journey ends.