In Pursuit of Trust

22 Apr

When I decided to finally open up about my child sex abuse issues, I was told by some family members “It’s in the past, it’s time to move on.” What some people do not understand is, there are many psychological issues associated with child sex abuse. One of the major psychological effects/remnants of being sexually abused is TRUST. While it’s an *emotion* we all battle, in my case it is heightened to another degree. I find it rather difficult to trust, often times I find myself questioning the honesty and integrity of innocent bystanders who come into my life.

My little prince begins his nursery program on Monday and I am shit scared!! Registering him was bitter-sweet, I was both anxious and excited that he’s about to embark on a new stage of his growth and development. The closer the date drew for his attendance the more frayed my nerves got. I have been playing every possible scenario in my mind, where my son is concerned everyone is a suspect. This place of mistrust is not an ideal place to be mentally. It’s rather stressful and nerve-wrecking.

As I think about these new stages that my son and I must enter I find myself thinking. How can I keep him safe?  If someone hurt him, touch him inappropriately, would I see it, would I know? I try to convince me that I have built a strong, honest, confident relationship with my son and that he will tell me everything.

Then I revert to thinking, the fact is no matter how much we want to believe he/she would never hurt our children, how we try to be secure in our beliefs that we built a great trusting relationship with our babies and they would say something, we try to convince ourselves “my child would tell me” I would see it, I would know, the truth is you may not know, I may not know. Children are often afraid to speak or to tell someone for various reasons, threats is the most likely, being told no one would believe, people will think they wanted it and or played a part in it, being shunned by peers, fear that if they tell someone, it will cause their parents to separate, the feelings of guilt that they would be held responsible for all the dissention in the family….and the list goes on….

I was born with an incurable illness, therefore when I decided almost three years ago to attempt to conceive a child I was very afraid, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to carry the baby to term and afraid that I couldn’t control the sex of the child if and when I had the baby, I was worried about having a daughter for fear that she would be faced with the possibility of having my childhood experiences thrust upon her. I prayed countless prayers, I prayed for a healthy baby; my most recurrent prayer however was that my little miracle be a boy! My fear had me so distraught that I couldn’t see myself with a little girl. I wouldn’t know what to do with her; I was afraid that I would not be able to take care of her and she would grow up resenting me because of my inabilities. I convinced myself she would not understand the struggles of her mother in trying to protect her and keep her safe. From experience I know that many young girls feel that their parents are being mean to them when they try to protect them, some think their parents are trying to hold them back, stop their progress and the works.

Fast forward two and a half years later, here I am harboring identical concerns for my boy!  I realized the minute I held him in my arms in the hospital that “bad people hurt little boys too.”  As he grew that fear intensified, I remember holding him for the first time in that hospital room, I cried, both with relief that I made it through my pregnancy and he was finally here, the overwhelming emotion of love and finally having my own little person to call my own, but mostly because of fear, I had done it, but what now!! Will I be able to love this little being with all I have, would I be able to provide for him and meet all his needs developmentally, emotionally, would God grant me enough time to see him grow up? Would I be able to protect him from sexual predators? The reality hit me that boys are just as susceptible to child sex abuse as are little girls. I was so paralyzed by fear that someone could hurt him sexually and he wouldn’t be able to tell me, he had no voice, he was just a helpless little boy, he needed me all the time, I have to protect him, I cannot let him out of my sight, I would never forgive myself if someone did something to him and I wasn’t there to protect him, all these thoughts rushed through me as I looked upon the angelic face of my beautiful little miracle.

While in the hospital the nurses would insist I send him to the nursery so I could get some rest. Each time I had to let him go my heart bled. I was paranoid, my head was always filled with thoughts of someone touching my baby inappropriately and I wasn’t there to protect him, I felt helpless, I would relive the trauma of being abused in my mind simply because I was separated from my son. I remember buzzing for them to bring him back as soon as they walked out the door. Not because I was so overjoyed but the anxiety I felt from not being where he is. I needed to see him always.

Upon taking my little prince home the fear and inability to trust went through the roof! Reason, I have four brothers and a sister in addition, three adopted siblings (not legally), as much as I love and trusted my siblings, the thought of either of them taking him for more than a millisecond, I would display panic attack  type symptoms. If one of my brothers took him to their room I would start heaving in as little as fifteen minutes. My adopted siblings and their biological mom would offer to watch him so I could get some well needed rest, unbeknownst to them I wouldn’t and couldn’t rest or breathe easy so that was short-lived!

 I remember falling to pieces in front of a friend, finally admitting after a series of questions that I don’t trust anyone with my baby not even those I was partially responsible for raising!  After my melt down, my dear friend said to me “Ris, you are going to drive yourself insane,” and pointed out that which I already knew that with this bunch my prince would be safe, funny thing is deep down inside I knew that! But fear! (I never mentioned this to any of my siblings I almost hope they don’t read this post.) Lol.

Now here we are, after making the decision to keep him out of daycare, now realizing that three is fast approaching and he will indeed have to go out into the world without me, I have to release my grip on my child, knowing I can’t keep him locked away forever, he must have this experience as a prelude to starting school in the fall. My nerves are on display. Each time I think about letting him go, I feel so sick to my stomach, I can feel the panic and the anxiety creeping in, fear impaling my heart and engulfing my entire being.  But, knowing I have to release, I have to let go and let God. I have to trust God to protect and guide,and for others to be kind to my baby. I have to be vigilant yet not overbearing, protective but not stalker like, talk to and not at, verbalize my concerns but not be judgmental, worry but not to the point of exertion or border line psychosis. Truth is, I’m not sure how to feel or approach, but I know I don’t want to eventually drive my child away with my endless worries.

So, as a part of this process, my journeying to free and whilst I maybe at the beginning of the spectrum than closer to the end, I pray as morning comes and I take my son to his program and relinquish my hold/power to the teachers and caregivers for these 5-6hrs a day for the next six weeks that my past does not ultimately alter my present. As I nervously count down the hours, pray excessively, love him uncontrollably, defiantly question self, and talk to him as much as his little two-year old brain can  process/comprehend, I’m releasing and getting another fear under control, pray with and join me as I/we journey2free.

 

From my heart to yours

Larissa

 

8 Responses to “In Pursuit of Trust”

  1. Tyana April 22, 2013 at 2:59 AM #

    I’ve shared with you that I too am extremely paranoid with my princess. She’s so friendly it scares me. Remember when you guys would complain that I don’t bring her around? It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you all, but I felt safe at home with her. I can protect her better because I can always see her. I didn’t send her daycare straight away either. I didn’t want to let her out if my sight. It’s like voices in your head saying WHAT IF!? There were so many what ifs, so many scenarios I played out in my head. She’s five now, and not only do I talk to her about sexual predators, I also demonstrate what is wrong and inappropriate. Even when she’s an adult, I’ll worry. I’m her mom, it’s my job ;).

    • Journey2Free April 22, 2013 at 12:18 PM #

      So true…The worry and concern will always be there, we just have to somehow be careful not to drive ourselves insane. A mother’s job is never done! As long as we stay on top of it, and pray our babies will be fine. (that’s what i am choosing to believe)

  2. Anonymous April 22, 2013 at 10:11 AM #

    This post hits home for many people who have been exposed to this issue. I remember thinking until my child can speak I will not let him out of my sight. The only person I felt he was safe with was my mom. His dad’s parents would watch him sometimes and as soon as he got home I’d search his private areas. As soon a he could understand…I began telling him about the dangers of people touching him there. He’s 15 years old now and I’m still a very overprotective mom. He has a cell phone and we keep in constant contact. Larissa…the insecurities of a parent is normal, but the insecurities and fear of a parent who has experienced sexual abuse is a different ball game altogether. I just want you to know you aren’t crazy…that fear is real and eventually you will find ways to manage it…admitting to the fear is half the battle…I am confident you’ll win the war! Keep on keeping on!

    • Journey2Free April 22, 2013 at 12:21 PM #

      Thank you my dear…It’s refreshing to know I’m not alone, others have had/has similar experience/struggles. Thank you for your words, insight and most importantly your support. Thank you.

  3. Anonymous April 22, 2013 at 1:06 PM #

    This is a normal feelilng for someone who was sexually abused as a child. You have to take it easy on yourself though and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don’t hide it. You have been through a lot. I can never say I know the feeling because I was never abused as a child. I can only imagine the uneasiness you’re feeling. I want to protect Miyah from everything. Even from just falling down and getting a scratch lol. It might sound crazy but it’s true. I never want her to expereince any hurt or pain. These children were special gifts from God and we have to do whatever it takes to raise them up to know right from wrong and to protect them. Now here comes the big part, we also need to learn how to trust God and have faith in him that he will help watch over them. Jhayden will be fine just trust and believe. Speak positivity. Speak things into existence 🙂 #journey2free #team rizzy

    • Journey2Free April 22, 2013 at 1:22 PM #

      Wow…I have to admit each week you continue to impress me with your inspiring insight. I am thoroughly amazed! Thank you my lovely! Much love, respect and appreciation. Thank you! #journey2free #teamrizzy

  4. Journey2Free May 6, 2013 at 11:57 AM #

    Thank you!! Forgive me as I’m new to this and figuring this all out as I go.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. My Broken Daughter | unnecessarywisdom - May 6, 2013

    […] In Pursuit of Trust (journey2free.com) […]

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