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In the midst of life there is death…

8 May

Postings to my Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4zuyxOC9foTd_Si_9AISZw  will resume shortly… Please feel free to subscribe, follow, comment, share…

 

 

Journey To Redemption

26 Apr

While rehearsing last night I broke down emotionally. During Act 1 something happen, not sure if it was the name calling, the intensity in which the lead actress delivered, the emotionally charged play or the flash back I had smack dab in the middle of my opening performance. Fact is, it happened. I felt the tears welling, I tried to fight it but, when I had to shout the words slut and whore directed at the lead actress ‘who’s playing a victim of child sexual abuse’ within that moment the flood gates open and the tears streamed down my face. I could feel it coming, one of those moments when I needed to be alone to feel, process and make sense of what was happening. I knew then no amount of reassurance from a cast I’m just getting to know was going to help me, I needed a moment to just bawl. I immediately walked off stage, found a corner back stage and I cried. Soon after the cast had finished rehearsing scene one and were slowly making their way back stage, I transformed into that girl that would never dare to make anyone see her cry but I couldn’t stop, the tears were streaming even faster now, my thoughts going a billion miles a minutes and memories came flooding.  I managed to pull myself together, walked dignifiedly to the nearest bathroom composed enough to check the stalls, realizing then there was no-one there but me so, I gave myself the needed permission to weep, though brief and I did just that.

I cried for a good four minutes,  again gathered myself together, walked back into the rehearsals and onto the stage. Thank God, I was with a group of individuals that have been rather supportive and understanding, so after a few hugs and reassurance I was ready again.

Scene 2 had me questioning myself, was it just a bit too soon to be doing this and why did I agree to play this part or any part for that matter in a play that’s so telling, so raw and so expressive?Well,  It seemed like a great idea at the time and a wonderful opportunity I thought to help my healing process (now, I’m not so sure), however, I made a commitment and I will by the grace of God make do on that commitment, get through my performance, the play and my speaking.

Today I experienced a wide array of emotions, this happens from time to time and is to be expected on this my Journey 2 Free.  I have come to terms with it I believe and acknowledge that on this journey to my freedom, I have to accept the good with the bad, the down right ugly and the sad and try to remain open to it all.  Let’s see what tomorrow brings, but for now, I’ll sit with the emotions I’m currently experiencing, for this too shall pass.

COURT: DAY 7… A GRANDMOTHER’S BETRAYAL.

26 Mar

A Grandmother’s Betrayal… CHOOSE YOU!!!

Some days were unbearable (emotionally). Sitting across from the matriarch of the family, knowing she’s present at court not because of her daughters and granddaughters, but instead in support of her husband that sexually abused her daughters and granddaughters… Some days were tough!

Court: Day 7 This day was rather challenging (mentally) for me. The journey continues…

CONVERSATION WITH ME…

8 Mar

I was awakened this morning by the younger me, forcibly asking me questions, while screaming Help! Help! HELP ME PLEASE!! 

She asked, what happened to You?! what happened to Me?! What happened to that bright-eyed, vivacious, precocious child We use to be?! Remember how they told us We had potential? They said WE were the hope of a generation cursed by mental slavery and trepidation. They told ME l was the likely prospect, I would excel because of my natural god given intellect, they told ME the future was bright and they were dependent on ME! So, again, what happened?! What happened to WE?!

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Filled with emotions, so deep was my remorse, pondering how to justify the reasons and respond to this little one. I dug deep questioning, how do I expound to this child?! I quivered from exertion having to explain not wanting to deny, I began to cry. Contemplating how to make HER understand reason, the how, the what, the whys. I leaped out of bed, ran to the bathroom for refuge, conjuring explanations less used. My mistake. Looking in the mirror to a sad and dreary state, my eyes swollen, I looked away with memories swirling, thinking what could be said, and how do I quite this screaming child inside my head!

HELLO!! Help! I’m trapped here inside, the time has come, explain to ME why WE hide?! Hello! she shrieked! I looked up, afraid to meet her gaze and surely there to greet me was her willful, defiant, interrogative stare. Are you going to tell me Larissa or will you continue to tuck me away?!

I sighed a sigh of relief and began to explicate.  We were hampered, We were altered, our life’s course kinda changed when the violation started, followed then by rape. We were forced to keep secrets, forced to rehearse lies, forced to hide and cover for others while stifling our cries. We were asked to assume positions We were much too young to hold, required involuntary to undertake an adults role, and with each occurrence and each terrorizing blow that light that shun brightly then turned to a glow. That light barely flickered with each passing night until the flames that once flickered dimmed lowly until it died. IMG_0325

So, as You developed and other things were thrust at You, We unknowingly adapted dads negativity, adopted moms fear and tucked and concealed them securely inside of Our pains, so insecurities grew, as Our self-worth diminished until the hope WE were left with became extinguished.

STOP! STOP! She interrupted; PLEASE, help ME understand, yes, WE were faced with these challenges, these obstacles, AND?! Why? Did all this cause you to run, to hide, to succumb?! Sounds like excuses for YOU not wanting to try!

Oh, wait a doggone minute! the older me interjected, cause I’ll be damned, being redirected by this child, ME. I took that shit personally! Refusing and not wanting to accept the truth in which She speaks. I lashed back, Listen! little girl, listen to me! Let’s not forget about the impediment, that hindrance, YOU know, that debilitating life altering disease that rendered US handicap threatening OUR lives from age three!  Do you remember all the lengthy and frequent hospital stays, not to mention near death experiences and surgeries?! Remember mom being told to make funeral arrangements for US not once but times three?! They gave up on US,  they wrote US off, YOU and ME! So forgive ME if I grew weary, got tired, gave up, no longer wanting to fight, I fought little one, an arduous fight not just to keep US sane but to keep US alive…

Sooooo again, let ME get this right, because You no longer wish to fight I have to now curl up, remain small, go away and do what?! Girl, YOU better wake up and think twice! YOU best reignite that fire cause I’m not ready to die!! Yes, I’ll admit, some of these assaults were crushing BUT I refuse to accept all this pain was for nothing! So, go search deep down within, find the strength honey and come again! I know we’ve been wounded, hurt, feeling broken inside, BUT, now I’ve been awakened, together WE ride, reunited, unapologetic and unified!! She then called me out…Larissa, what now?! 

What now? What now?! Little one I vow…

I will write for You, I speak for You, I claim victory over all WE say and do! I will reclaim that which was stolen, I break the bondage of lies, torment, defeat and proclaim though Our start was in hammered We will finish victoriously! I am so sorry Larissa, sorry I tucked you inside but today WE walk out of darkness and into the light.

I hugged Her inwardly. Larissa I immensely apologize, I beg of you my darling please be my alibi, hold me accountable and let’s ride! I now release the fear We were not meant to hold, letting go off false insecurities and false pride, I release you my darling, no longer will WE hide! Little girl so full of light, life and of love, I release you now, go, go on take flight but, before you go, please know, I am so sorry, I love you Larissa you’re released, now go…

I felt elevated, like joy was restored. I smiled and muttered for the first time in forever, I Love You Larissa Rhone. Just then I felt a tug, a pull, a gentle little hold and a voice in passing whispered, Larissa our story must be told! 

Women Supporting Women

5 Mar

A snippet of my talk with a group of beautiful women I was asked to address. This experience further opened my eyes to how many people are really hurting as a result of Child Sexual Abuse.  Please, let’s start talking. Another’s life may very well depend on it!  Join me as I/we journey2free.

Court. Day’s 5 & 6

26 Feb

Fighting Against Childhood Sexual Abuse

Standing up for what you believe in and seeking justice in the fight against Child Sexual Abuse seems like an unattainable feat. The challenges, and obstacles presented, the mental struggles, the emotional upheaval having to go back, to relive the memories, the flashbacks, the nightmares… Who knowingly and willingly wants to put themselves through this harsh and rather painful experience? I do and I did!

I HAD TO GO BACK TO MOVE FORWARD! I was tired and exhausted from feeling like a complete stranger in my own body. I was existing but my very existence felt foreign to me. I often felt like an intruder into my own life and body. I was robbed. I was wounded. I was broken. I got tired of living like a mere fraction trying desperately to be whole, but being or feeling whole evaded me.

I brought him (my abuser) to court after thirty (30) long years! The process was EXTREMELY trying and difficult but so worth it! As challenging and difficult as it was and despite the fact the defense attorney tried to paint an awful picture of me to make his case, the feeling of looking my abuser in the eyes (as dreadful as it was at times) I was slowly but surely taking my power back from the BASTARD that had stolen my innocence and robbed me of my self-worth, my trust, MY CHILDHOOD…

Today I stand however, determined to TAKE IT ALL BACK… Join me on this journey. #JOURNEY2FREE

Journey with me…
https://journey2free.com
https://www.facebook.com/Journey2Free/
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/110088415741561503460/110088415741561503460
https://twitter.com/Journey2Free
https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

Emails: Journeyfree2@gmail.com, Journey2free@outlook.com

Fighting Against Childhood Sexual Abuse

#ChildhoodSexualAbuse

Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) Children & Sexual Urges

22 Feb

Children & Sexual Urges… Child Sexual Abuse (CSA)

Question; What happens to a CHILD after they have being sexually abuse, exposed sexually, after they have been fondled, molested, raped, what then happens to the child?

After the realization, outside of the crime being reported and a possible arrest made(which is seldom the case) what happens to the child?!

How do you suppress the awakened sexual feelings now unearthed?

What is a CHILD to do with the with the urges and emotions released?

As parents what do you do?

How do you cope with that which have already been done?

Journey with me…
https://journey2free.com
https://www.facebook.com/Journey2Free/
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/110088415741561503460/110088415741561503460
https://twitter.com/Journey2Free
https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

Emails:JourneyFree2@gmail.com, Journey2Freea@outlook.com

Child Sexual Abuse. Children & Sexual Urges

Court Day 3 & 4… Fight Against (CSA)

19 Feb

Fighting against Child Sexual Abuse…

Court Proceedings in Jamaica.

Reassigning Shame and seeking justice for a crime that span decades.

NO STATUE OF LIMITATIONS IN JAMAICA!

ST. THOMAS,JAMAICA.

Journey with me…
https://journey2free.com
https://www.facebook.com/Journey2Free/
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/110088415741561503460/110088415741561503460
https://twitter.com/Journey2Free
https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

Emails: Journeyfree2@gmail.com, Journey2free@outlook.com

Day 1 Court Begins… (CSA)

12 Feb

Capturing the moments… As mentioned in a previous video, I tried to chronicle the last six weeks of my court case as best as I could. Finally gaining the courage to stand up for myself and SO many others. I decided to take that stand and file charges against the man who raped and violated me and several other family members years ago.

There were days I was strong and felt empowered and days that I got so emotional and overwhelmed!  Speaking your Truth, standing up for self, seeking justice and writing a wrong will definitely bring additional stressors BUT the strength gained is priceless!

Journey with me…
https://journey2free.com
https://www.facebook.com/Journey2Free/
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/110088415741561503460/110088415741561503460
https://twitter.com/Journey2Free
https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

Emails: Journeyfree2@gmail.com, Journey2Free@outlook.com

Reassign the Shame… Speak!

Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) & The Labels We Wear…

8 Feb

Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) and the LABELS we wear… More often than not, a child that has been Sexually Abused go inward. Children, victims (some) are often asked directly or indirectly to suppress, to cover, to hide, to shield. This action then creates a negative chain reaction…

FEAR: The most significant of the labels. Fear, experienced in many different ways and varies on a case by case basis. However, the fear similarly experienced by the majority; The fear initially instilled by the perpetrator, he/she making do on said threat (For me it was the threat of cutting my younger siblings throats while they slept) Fear of being ostracized, criticized, judged, not being believed, the fear of someone finding out…

LIES: The lies we are forced to tell, we basically lie to everyone but the biggest lie, the lies we tell ourselves.

GUILT: The guilt we feel caused by knowing, thinking, feeling I/we did something bad or wrong.

SHAME: The embarrassment, the feeling of sadness and constant regret, afraid of being disgraced.

PAIN: The pain of having to live a life suppressing, covering, lying, maintaining secrets, pretending; The memories, the sudden and unanticipated flashbacks, the anxiety etc

SECRECY: Forced, sometimes asked and expected of a victim not to speak about their experience/ordeal. Victims are forced to cover for family, for the perpetrator (especially that of a family member, family friend, a prominent or (considered) elite etc) because no-one wants to talk or acknowledge truth…

ANGER: Victims become angry, often times wanting to speak, to share, wanting someone to acknowledge your pain and come to your aid but, more often than not, there is no-one there.

SHAME: Victims are ofter made to feel as if they/we were the reason or cause of the abuse, that they/we somehow wanted, warranted, caused or deserved being raped, fondled and violated. Family members, relatives, friends, society often blames the victim. Some parents blame the child/children…

UNWORTHY: The feeling of unworthiness, feeling disgusted, worthless, nasty, filthy, used and used up…

HELPLESS: Having no-one to turn to or confide in. Feeling alone and unsure of what to do.

LONELINESS: Being alone, misunderstood and isolated

TORMENT: The extreme mental, emotional and physical pain…

ANGUISH: Suffering mental grief, confusion, pain…

MISTRUST: Violators, perpetrators are often a family member, relatives, trusted friend, pastors, coaches, a person thats expected to protect a child should be able to trust but…

SUPPRESSED: As victims we suppress we are forced to keep it all bottled inside, we don’t speak, we often pretend all is well, and, asked and expected to lead normal lives.

These are just a few of the labels we wear as victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse, BUT for those of us that still struggle, we CAN and will SHED these labels… 

Let’s Reassign The Shame… Speak! 

Join me as I/we shed these labels and journey2free. From my heart to yours! God Bless