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DON’T SPEAK!

24 Sep

Each time I hear the question asked “why can’t you just get over it!” I cringe, yes my stomach churns, these three words  ‘get over it! triggers a less than pleasant response.

I’ve garnered support and established new friendships with a few ladies I will respectably refer to as ‘age-ables’, and though our chance meetings may be summed up as bittersweet, I cherish every moment I spend in their presence and cling to their every word. Our stories is what binds us, the familiarity of our ugly truths, a common theme PAIN. The pain of being taken advantaged of as little girls now adults, ‘adulting’ from a place of brokeness. These women are well into their sixties (60’s) and still carry with them the ghost of what could have been, the ash of what should have been and the stagnant remnants of a past experience that never truly decays. Forced to lock away, to hide, to suppress memories while unknowingly hiding, suppressing, loosing themselves and everything else in the process. Sixties (60’s) and still struggling, some still barely surviving, still not knowing who they are at their core, some still unable to shake off or break free the invisible restraints of family secrets and shame, yet, are still being expected and asked (why can’t you get over it?!). With each exchange, with every shared detail I’m privy to, in the voices I hear a longing, coupled with deep sadness yet masked as full fledged, totally capable, well put together and competent functioning beings. When will we get over it?! When the game playing and hypocrisy cease!

A child that has been sexually abused grows into an adult that have been sexually abused. Trapped beneath the surface is a tortured soul. A soul that is disconnected, a soul that’s in search and in need of being whole. We learn to disconnect, separating mind and body. Like functioning alcoholics we compartmentalize separating body from our feelings and are fully capable of playing the roles, meeting our demands, our responsibilities, being everything to everyone at all times with little or no regard to self and what it is WE (the tortured souls) actually needs.

When will YOU see, know or understand, there is a loss that is experienced when sexually abused as a child?! Loss of power, loss of pride, loss of dignity, a loss of truth and a true sense of who you really are, loosing an identity before even having the chance or ability to develop or create one.

I’ve become accustom to the callous, uncaring and insensitive remarks of those that have not had the experience and chooses to be closed minded, even worst are those that have had the experience but lack empathy, is void of compassion and struggles with sincerity these are the same folks that say ‘I understand but’… A victim of child sexual abuse doesn’t seek to be pitied, and unless you’ve been there we truly don’t expect you to understand! However, If you insist on asking questions from a from a place of judgement and misguidedness do us ALL a favor, DON’T SPEAK!

While on this journey of navigating unfamiliar paths and charting new courses, I honestly thought time would have healed the wounds and it will, but they cut deep!  Being made aware by the ageables that though ‘scars may appear faded on the surface they are permanently tattooed on the soul’. Some are fortunate to have received needed help, others like myself are on their way to healing while others remain loss and unfortunately will never find their way. Most painful of all, are those that have gone back to the earth with the secrets, never having the opportunity of being free. It all hurts and one things for certain, it NEVER goes away, You NEVER forget and for DAMN SURE it’s not something YOU JUST GET OVER!!! 

Yes, healing is possible but it is constant, the pursuit is never ending, the process is daunting and tedious and it takes loads of work! While on this journey… From my heart to yours…

To be continued…

 

 

I Wonder…

25 Aug

‘My father died not knowing his daughters were sexually abused as children’.

I often wonder, had my dad known I/we were sexually violated, how different would my/our life’s be? Dad passed on April 2, 2017, and I’m unsure as to why I’ve been plagued with all these ‘I wonder’ questions since.  It pains me to my core that I never had much of a  relationship with my father and though it’s much too late for the blame game or to get needed answers, I believe with every fiber of my being that had he been a better father my wounds would have not cut so deep, the scars would have healed and I would not have been plagued with the damning unworthiness I feel.

My reality, I was never a daddy’s little girl and I still suffer the rancid residue of being judged and ostracized by him. Truth is, I have convinced myself that he did the best he could with what he was given BUT, I am upset that dad didn’t consider me worthy or special enough to change his mindset, his beliefs to ensure that his little girls were loved beyond his limited perception of the value of the opposite sex. Daddy could NOT have stopped the molestation, but I know the effects would not have been as long lasting or life altering had he been a better parent.

The past few days have been emotionally draining. I spent hours trying to figure out the source of my discomfort, in an attempt to lift my spirits I listened to music, kept myself busy, attended meetings, did my usual runs but nothing seemed to work. I knew this was serious when my go to, my children, my boys usual antics didn’t work. I realized only then that no amount of avoiding, suppressing, evading or side-stepping my emotions was going to make these feelings vanish, I gave in and decided to sit with it. The cause for my uneasiness was my dad, thoughts of him swirled in my head, I miss him terribly but this wasn’t the usual ‘think of dad, sulk for a moment, shed a tear or two type momentary deal, this was deeper.

I thought about the relationship my dad and I had over the years. Dad was very much present for the formative years, besides the fact he worked extremely hard I got to see him daily, he was home every night mostly before bedtime but our relationship strained and lacked all the key components of a  great father-daughter relationship.

I am the first child (supposedly) born to my father. Dad did not hesitate to let everyone know how disappointed he was ‘because I was a girl’. Dad was from an era, a generation that viewed women as weak, worthless and disposable, he was born to an extremely sexist father that did not hesitate to verbalize his disdain towards the ‘weaker’ sex. How I wished and longed for my dad to see my worth and to consider me valuable, special and irreplaceable but unfortunately he was too broken and so damaged himself he was blind to the fact girls/women are worth far more that being barefoot, pregnant and totally dependent on men.

I often wonder, what would have been the result of my dad knowing we were taken advantage of? Knowing dads temperament, I do believe this saga would have had a very different ending. Since going public about my ordeal, one of the most frequently asked questions from folks that knew my father well is “was your dad ever told, did he know” and with each “No” the response “I figure” almost certainly follows. Folks that knew my father well (or so they thought) still believe had Mr. Rhone known about the abuse of his daughter, my sister and others after her would not have shared this horrid experience, chances are my grandmother would have been widowed some twenty something years ago.

Daddy was a licensed fire arm carrier and he was not afraid to pull his weapon, in fact, he was considered somewhat trigger happy. Dad was a responsible gun carrier but he was also known to have a short fuse, he was a no-nonsense, outspoken, no bars hold, prideful person that was also arrogant and thrived on the praise and recognition of others. Dad was well-known and highly respected within the parish of St. Thomas, his community and neighboring towns, chances are a murder would have been committed if only for the sake of saving face.

I loved my dad wholeheartedly and spent the greater part of my life seeking the approval and validation of this man. To the outside world he was a stand up guy, a man to emulate and adore. He was a hard working, determined, go-getter, family oriented (or believed to be) but the truth is, dad  had his demons to contend with and was riddled with insecurities, so much so that sexism and classism oozed from his pours and slipped oh too easily from the folds of his lips. It took me a lifetime to understand my mothers reasoning for instructing me not to tell daddy what had happened to me, because she feared he would do to me/us what he did to her by using the abuse against me/us.

My father was from a generation plagued with the belief that a woman’s worth is secondary to that of a man, that we were only created for certain things including being servants to the ‘dominant sex’. It was that hard and fast belief that led to the constant reminders that I was secondary and could not be compared to my brothers. My self worth was tarnished and tainted by my dad, a realization I came to years ago but somehow weighed heavily this week.

I wonder; if only dad had the courage to break free from the thoughts that held him captive, freeing himself from the mental slavery that kept him bound; relinquishing the belief of a superior sex. If only MY dad had been open to experience love, being willing to accept love, to see love, to feel and to be love; if only he had possessed the ability to love unconditionally like a father should love, adore, protect and  \shield his daughter, I do believe my life would have turned out different.

I would be foolish to think my dad being a better father would have somehow prevented the abuse from happening No! A pedeophile is a pedeophile and will remain a pedeophile if not helped! I do believe however, if daddy had been more of a loving, reassuring, accepting and affectionate father, had he possess the qualities of patience and understanding, had he been able to instill, reassure, nurture and cultivate a strong sense of being within me, if only he had the capacity to extend or open his heart to his daughter/s he would have been told and years of internalized anguish would have been minimized and my decimated self-esteem rebuilt.

I wonder; why dad, I can’t help but wonder why?! But, it’s too late now and though I am saddened at the fact you couldn’t see ME beyond your own hang ups and insecurities, I try to understand and will cling to the belief that you still loved ME with all that you had. Daddy, I just wish you were able to see ME…

COURT: DAY 7… A GRANDMOTHER’S BETRAYAL.

26 Mar

A Grandmother’s Betrayal… CHOOSE YOU!!!

Some days were unbearable (emotionally). Sitting across from the matriarch of the family, knowing she’s present at court not because of her daughters and granddaughters, but instead in support of her husband that sexually abused her daughters and granddaughters… Some days were tough!

Court: Day 7 This day was rather challenging (mentally) for me. The journey continues…

Women Supporting Women

5 Mar

A snippet of my talk with a group of beautiful women I was asked to address. This experience further opened my eyes to how many people are really hurting as a result of Child Sexual Abuse.  Please, let’s start talking. Another’s life may very well depend on it!  Join me as I/we journey2free.

Child on Child Abuse, Sexual Urges 2

1 Mar

A follow-up to my last video, after discovery one of my dearest friends child was sexually abused by another child. In this video I touched on parents being vigilant in protecting their children or seeking the necessary help for their children.

I also spoke about the importance of teaching young children about their Private parts and that this includes not only the penis, vagina, buttocks, breast but also the mouth as many predators are forcing young children to perform oral sex. Parents, pleas have the discussions with your child(ren).

Court. Day’s 5 & 6

26 Feb

Fighting Against Childhood Sexual Abuse

Standing up for what you believe in and seeking justice in the fight against Child Sexual Abuse seems like an unattainable feat. The challenges, and obstacles presented, the mental struggles, the emotional upheaval having to go back, to relive the memories, the flashbacks, the nightmares… Who knowingly and willingly wants to put themselves through this harsh and rather painful experience? I do and I did!

I HAD TO GO BACK TO MOVE FORWARD! I was tired and exhausted from feeling like a complete stranger in my own body. I was existing but my very existence felt foreign to me. I often felt like an intruder into my own life and body. I was robbed. I was wounded. I was broken. I got tired of living like a mere fraction trying desperately to be whole, but being or feeling whole evaded me.

I brought him (my abuser) to court after thirty (30) long years! The process was EXTREMELY trying and difficult but so worth it! As challenging and difficult as it was and despite the fact the defense attorney tried to paint an awful picture of me to make his case, the feeling of looking my abuser in the eyes (as dreadful as it was at times) I was slowly but surely taking my power back from the BASTARD that had stolen my innocence and robbed me of my self-worth, my trust, MY CHILDHOOD…

Today I stand however, determined to TAKE IT ALL BACK… Join me on this journey. #JOURNEY2FREE

Journey with me…
https://journey2free.com
https://www.facebook.com/Journey2Free/
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/110088415741561503460/110088415741561503460
https://twitter.com/Journey2Free
https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

Emails: Journeyfree2@gmail.com, Journey2free@outlook.com

Fighting Against Childhood Sexual Abuse

#ChildhoodSexualAbuse

Court Day 3 & 4… Fight Against (CSA)

19 Feb

Fighting against Child Sexual Abuse…

Court Proceedings in Jamaica.

Reassigning Shame and seeking justice for a crime that span decades.

NO STATUE OF LIMITATIONS IN JAMAICA!

ST. THOMAS,JAMAICA.

Journey with me…
https://journey2free.com
https://www.facebook.com/Journey2Free/
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/110088415741561503460/110088415741561503460
https://twitter.com/Journey2Free
https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

Emails: Journeyfree2@gmail.com, Journey2free@outlook.com

Day 1 Court Begins… (CSA)

12 Feb

Capturing the moments… As mentioned in a previous video, I tried to chronicle the last six weeks of my court case as best as I could. Finally gaining the courage to stand up for myself and SO many others. I decided to take that stand and file charges against the man who raped and violated me and several other family members years ago.

There were days I was strong and felt empowered and days that I got so emotional and overwhelmed!  Speaking your Truth, standing up for self, seeking justice and writing a wrong will definitely bring additional stressors BUT the strength gained is priceless!

Journey with me…
https://journey2free.com
https://www.facebook.com/Journey2Free/
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/110088415741561503460/110088415741561503460
https://twitter.com/Journey2Free
https://www.instagram.com/rhone.rizzy/

Emails: Journeyfree2@gmail.com, Journey2Free@outlook.com

Reassign the Shame… Speak!

Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) & The Labels We Wear…

8 Feb

Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) and the LABELS we wear… More often than not, a child that has been Sexually Abused go inward. Children, victims (some) are often asked directly or indirectly to suppress, to cover, to hide, to shield. This action then creates a negative chain reaction…

FEAR: The most significant of the labels. Fear, experienced in many different ways and varies on a case by case basis. However, the fear similarly experienced by the majority; The fear initially instilled by the perpetrator, he/she making do on said threat (For me it was the threat of cutting my younger siblings throats while they slept) Fear of being ostracized, criticized, judged, not being believed, the fear of someone finding out…

LIES: The lies we are forced to tell, we basically lie to everyone but the biggest lie, the lies we tell ourselves.

GUILT: The guilt we feel caused by knowing, thinking, feeling I/we did something bad or wrong.

SHAME: The embarrassment, the feeling of sadness and constant regret, afraid of being disgraced.

PAIN: The pain of having to live a life suppressing, covering, lying, maintaining secrets, pretending; The memories, the sudden and unanticipated flashbacks, the anxiety etc

SECRECY: Forced, sometimes asked and expected of a victim not to speak about their experience/ordeal. Victims are forced to cover for family, for the perpetrator (especially that of a family member, family friend, a prominent or (considered) elite etc) because no-one wants to talk or acknowledge truth…

ANGER: Victims become angry, often times wanting to speak, to share, wanting someone to acknowledge your pain and come to your aid but, more often than not, there is no-one there.

SHAME: Victims are ofter made to feel as if they/we were the reason or cause of the abuse, that they/we somehow wanted, warranted, caused or deserved being raped, fondled and violated. Family members, relatives, friends, society often blames the victim. Some parents blame the child/children…

UNWORTHY: The feeling of unworthiness, feeling disgusted, worthless, nasty, filthy, used and used up…

HELPLESS: Having no-one to turn to or confide in. Feeling alone and unsure of what to do.

LONELINESS: Being alone, misunderstood and isolated

TORMENT: The extreme mental, emotional and physical pain…

ANGUISH: Suffering mental grief, confusion, pain…

MISTRUST: Violators, perpetrators are often a family member, relatives, trusted friend, pastors, coaches, a person thats expected to protect a child should be able to trust but…

SUPPRESSED: As victims we suppress we are forced to keep it all bottled inside, we don’t speak, we often pretend all is well, and, asked and expected to lead normal lives.

These are just a few of the labels we wear as victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse, BUT for those of us that still struggle, we CAN and will SHED these labels… 

Let’s Reassign The Shame… Speak! 

Join me as I/we shed these labels and journey2free. From my heart to yours! God Bless