I have had a few weeks of withdrawal and it’s been awhile since my last post. I had to sort through the many highs and lows of dealing with several emotions that I experienced over the course of a few weeks. Not much has changed on the forefront of this, MY journey as it relates to my circle and the heightened animosity, however I am growing daily and that’s most important. My growth and acknowledgement have caused me to reflect, withdraw and bare witness to the pleasant and not so pleasing realities that comes along with fighting an internal battle that includes outside influences. My retreat was not strategically orchestrated, though not posting was a conscious decision I made due to the pursuit of justice. My withdrawal was also somewhat of an internal nature, in hopes of processing new discoveries.
When I began this journey of speaking publicly a few months ago, the emotions I felt in the heat of the moment while unearthing my reality helped me recognize that I had to do something about CSA, and while I repeatedly told myself ” I am prepared for this battle,” feeling my own strength, I must admit, I thought I had mentally prepped myself for it all. I soon found out, I really had not, and since then discovered that parts of this journey became a little more intense than I had envisioned. From the various reactions I received, I believed I had foreseen them all, no, I didn’t! When you decide to release a demon, one that had and has ensued or captivated many, your battle will indeed be more of a rigid fight as you realize not only are you fighting for you but for the many who’ve been affected and even in so doing, some of whom you’re fighting for, or have fought for will be lost like casualty of war by the wayside.
In weeks past, I had the daunting task of making a decision, one I knew was going to create major havoc in my twisted unit of a family. I prayed and I agonized over this decision… I too wondered if this cup from me could pass (biblical reference) I knew if I followed through with this notion, this conviction that was placed in my heart, this act, I would be reaping colds of fire on my head… I questioned if there was another way, if it was possible to play out differently? I knew the follow through would require balls of steel, which I didn’t think I possessed, no matter how I tried to will it away, it wouldn’t go away, this, laid heavily on my heart! I knew my action would stir up and anger many, the crazies would come out, the slaying/slander of the tongue, the reactions and misunderstandings, the disrespect and character assassination from many in my family, community and strangers alike would mound, I knew some would not understand my rationale for speaking out now. I had the foresight to know that I would be seen as wicked, selfish, cold-hearted, a revengeful bitch even… I knew that some if not most would see this as everything but what it was and should be…Scary the thought!
I lost sleep over the details for I knew it wouldn’t just be the judgments, questioning and lack of understanding of family, but people in general both professional and otherwise, I knew I would open myself up to the endless scrutiny from the very community and some of its residents that seem to always think they get a vote in the order in which another’s life is lived. No well thinking person wishes to heap worlds of hatred and resentment on themselves especially a chronic, revered people pleaser like myself!! It was difficult in thought, mind numbing even, BUT I had to do it… I was compelled, though I couldn’t fathom were the strength would come.
I knew I had to, I just had to! The many years of waiting for someone to show up, the many years of wanting this vile act to stop, this perpetrator to be ousted publicly to prevent another victim to fall prey, the many years of wanting to be considered important enough to be placed above, the many years of wanting to be a priority instead of an afterthought, the many years of waiting for the god forsaken excuses to stop!! The many years of wanting to feel protected, to be protected and to protect, the many years of wanting to right a wrong, the years, the many years and many lives that were altered…I HAD to finally show up for ME! I decided to STAND UP for the victims! I’M SHOWING UP FOR CHANGE… I HAD to right this evil, this hideous wrong! It takes only one, (really didn’t wish to be that one but then, why not me!) I had to, I had to make the decision… So, yes, I made the decision and I filed charges against this man!
NOW, as you the public, the reader, my supporters and well-wishers know, when legal claims or actions are brought against or filed, when a case is in the hands of the courts, you have to be very selective of what is said and done. My reluctance to post is simply because of this notion. NOT at all because I am afraid of the threats, buckled under pressure, given up the fight, or have grown weary of the name calling. I am still very much fighting! I’m fighting for change, I’m fighting for peace of mind, and I’m fighting for justice, fighting for me, fighting for us, will forever fight for free… This is not a battle I decided to start and quit somewhere in the midst because it got challenging! I must be truthful and honest always, especially with my young supports. I would be lying if I said this was easy, and my fighting has not caused me major anxiety, but I was reminded by a couple of guardians that I have already survived the worst of my fight against child sexual abused, by God, I survived the acts! So, though it’s not easy what I’m facing and what’s currently pending, I thank God I have past the worst!
I now have to remind myself as to the why’s. I’m doing this, and like I told one of the persons who insists he will follow through on his threats, “my days of cowering because of threats are long behind me.” My anxiety now comes from having to speak specifics to those that really desires to know the truth, simply because no matter how brave you are, or may feel, when speaking openly of trauma, whatever the trauma a person have sustained it brings a certain level of anxiety, for not only are you now open to public scrutiny and ridicule, but you may be required to tell your rather uncomfortable experiences to complete strangers even, again, and again and again.
I hope to resume my weekly posting as soon as this process has been dealt with, or is in the clear. I am gathering new material DAILY and while this entire process is proving to be rather challenging and emotionally taxing, with self-doubt rearing its ugly little head every now and then and I’m enclave in my own mind with different thoughts…being the chronic people pleaser I have been, a dear friend dropped a needed reminder, a nugget so simple yet profound…”if you are liked by everyone, something is wrong with you! It simply means you’re pleasing everyone but you!” A.R.M. These words resonated they still do, these words are the bases on which I will stand. We ought to live a life, OUR life the best way we deem fit, if this means shedding some extra pounds or baggage along the way then so be it, I AM FIGHTING FOR A CAUSE! It took me a minute to wake up, but I’m UP, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed… Let it begin with me! The daily reminders don’t ever cease, as I see, hear and witness everyday another victim of child sexual abuse and their struggles, as I fight for myself and others, knowing the hardest part of this battle I have already lived through, join me as I/we journey to free…
From my heart to yours