The only thing I was ever consistent at was being consistently neglectful.
I’ve never been consistent at anything positive, I had an issue with consistency because to be consistent meant getting results, which lead to responsibilities, which lead to dependency. I just figured if I wasn’t good at anything then no-one would have to ask me to do anything, therefore I wouldn’t disappoint anyone. I was never a lazy person, I just couldn’t seem to find my rhythm. Truth is, I didn’t stick to anything long enough, if by chance I started to make progress I would stop. The voices and nonstop chatter in my head would sing in unison the same self-defeating tune. I would hear words attached to a melody playing over and over in my head, the words to this particular song were – “Who are you, who do you think you really are? You can’t do this, and the most frequently played hit “no-one cares about you, much less care about what you do, what you think, or what you have to say! These voices were strong, they were loud, they were damning and I BELIEVED THEM.
I wasn’t always this way, but the change was rapid. When that bastard first molested me at age five and told me that no-one would believe me and I would get into trouble if I told, I didn’t believe, but when I told and nothing was done and was in turn asked to be silent, I became a believer to what he said and a doubter to myself. I questioned everything internally and my rational was always negative. The fact that I never have much structure as a child made this even worst. There wasn’t a routine of any sort, it just seemed we (me and my siblings) just did anything that was asked, whenever it was asked of us. There wasn’t a schedule or timeline to follow especially after our parents migrated. We didn’t even have an enforced bedtime. We just were!
I now see the value of structure and I try to enforce routine with my boys (I’m failing miserably, but I’m working on it, don’t judge me!) I admire people that rigidly work a schedule, they have agenda’s and timeline’s and remain stringent in their plan. Three of my brothers are like that. I sometimes got offended by family, boyfriends or friends that prioritized and refused to break schedule. I would personalize it and feel unimportant if I didn’t get the attention I needed at the time (not excusing the extremists) but I know that was little Larissa’s feelings being hurt because she feels neglected within that moment. I no longer feel rejected or get jealous, I get inspired. I fully understand what it means to ‘put in the work‘ for only in so doing will tasks, goals and dreams be accomplished. I’m trying to live outside my head now, finding ways and means to quite the voices. It’s a task, but I’m learning and have acknowledged that being lackadaisical doesn’t always work. Consistency is the practice of repeating and I’m consistently practicing. I’m a work in progress. Journey with me as I/we journey 2 free, from my heart to yours. Rizzy.