HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It’s been a while since my last post and SO much has happened. To my readers, followers, supporters and dear I say friends that embarked on this journey with me, allow me to say, I truly hope the new year have been great to you thus far. I pray that whatever challenges present it self (and it will), you will remain open, willing to take from each challenge the lesson/s life teaches, while remaining resolute about intentionally healing and journeying 2 freedom.
Life’s a journey, I’m traveling…
Words I penned over a decade ago to summarize how and what I felt about my existence. I knew then, like I know now, ‘life‘ is unpredictable, with its many twist and turns, ups and down, high and lows, joys and sorrows, peaks and pitfalls, and the list goes on. Much, oh so much has happened as previously stated and cannot be contained in one blog post, but the beauty of writing and the reason this outlet was created was for me to write it out, while I walk it out… as I/we Journey 2 Free.
Life happened. I was overwhelmed. I was drained. I was tired. I was afraid. I became unsure, questioning my existence, questioning purpose. I questioned cause. After a few hard hitting blows, I retreated. In the space of a few months I experienced tremendous, gut wrenching loss. I lost a dear childhood friend and two associates (separate incidents). My young sister/friend and accountability partner mysteriously fell ill, and was hospitalized just a few weeks after my release, (she is still hospitalized and fighting for her life) I almost lost my life ‘again’ to the chronic disease I was born with and my baby had yet another close call. I experienced love’s crushing betrayal, survivors guilt and insecurities emergence. I agonized over celebrating a grandmother I hadn’t spoken to since my court case ended in 2016 against her husband my childhood rapist. Seeing her meant seeing him, the man that drastically altered my life, for they are still married and living together. I was slipping and slipping fast, spiraling into the abyss of darkness, an old familiar and somewhat comfortable place. War was waging internally, the voices had returned. Affirmations didn’t work, daily I would remind myself “Larissa, you can’t go back to that place you so desperately clawed your way out of. But, did I?! Did I really rout depression, or had I just constructed more productive ways to fill voids of emptiness I still feel? Stay tuned (answers to be revealed)
Truth Is The Antidote To Fear – Rick Warren
Truth is, I am afraid! I am afraid of success. I am afraid of responsibility. I am afraid of the expectations that have been placed on me. I am afraid of judgement and what “they” will think, afraid, fear hinders my gift of playing with words, paper, ink. I am afraid of being misunderstood. I am afraid of rejection, afraid of both professional and personal connections. I am afraid I won’t be liked, I am afraid of being seen, I am afraid of what my fears block and what they will reveal, that I am a perfectly flawed and severely broken human being. I am afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of the unknown, I am afraid that if I open my mouth my inabilities will be highlighted and range of weakness shown. I am riddled with fear, it scares even me, yet, I am angry and annoyed I have allowed fear to get the best of me. I have wrestled, I am uneasy, I am restless, I am queasy. I have named and have listed my vulnerabilities hoping to relinquish it’s gripping hold and it’s power over me. But, with all that I have listed still omitting a few, my greatest fear is not doing what I was meant to do! Yes, I have written them down, my attempt at release, working daily as my courage increase. I will tackle each one, and by God’s grace overcome. I am choosing to believe by speaking my truth, I have already won.
The Journey Continues…
Join me as I/we Journey 2 Free. I am determine to walk this thing out. I no longer do new year resolutions, but My declaration for this decade; openness, honesty and resolve. Still starching my quest on silence defeat, while encouraging others to Reassign the Shame and Speak!
From my heart to yours with love, Larissa. Journey 2 Free