Tag Archives: anger

Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) & The Labels We Wear…

8 Feb

Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) and the LABELS we wear… More often than not, a child that has been Sexually Abused go inward. Children, victims (some) are often asked directly or indirectly to suppress, to cover, to hide, to shield. This action then creates a negative chain reaction…

FEAR: The most significant of the labels. Fear, experienced in many different ways and varies on a case by case basis. However, the fear similarly experienced by the majority; The fear initially instilled by the perpetrator, he/she making do on said threat (For me it was the threat of cutting my younger siblings throats while they slept) Fear of being ostracized, criticized, judged, not being believed, the fear of someone finding out…

LIES: The lies we are forced to tell, we basically lie to everyone but the biggest lie, the lies we tell ourselves.

GUILT: The guilt we feel caused by knowing, thinking, feeling I/we did something bad or wrong.

SHAME: The embarrassment, the feeling of sadness and constant regret, afraid of being disgraced.

PAIN: The pain of having to live a life suppressing, covering, lying, maintaining secrets, pretending; The memories, the sudden and unanticipated flashbacks, the anxiety etc

SECRECY: Forced, sometimes asked and expected of a victim not to speak about their experience/ordeal. Victims are forced to cover for family, for the perpetrator (especially that of a family member, family friend, a prominent or (considered) elite etc) because no-one wants to talk or acknowledge truth…

ANGER: Victims become angry, often times wanting to speak, to share, wanting someone to acknowledge your pain and come to your aid but, more often than not, there is no-one there.

SHAME: Victims are ofter made to feel as if they/we were the reason or cause of the abuse, that they/we somehow wanted, warranted, caused or deserved being raped, fondled and violated. Family members, relatives, friends, society often blames the victim. Some parents blame the child/children…

UNWORTHY: The feeling of unworthiness, feeling disgusted, worthless, nasty, filthy, used and used up…

HELPLESS: Having no-one to turn to or confide in. Feeling alone and unsure of what to do.

LONELINESS: Being alone, misunderstood and isolated

TORMENT: The extreme mental, emotional and physical pain…

ANGUISH: Suffering mental grief, confusion, pain…

MISTRUST: Violators, perpetrators are often a family member, relatives, trusted friend, pastors, coaches, a person thats expected to protect a child should be able to trust but…

SUPPRESSED: As victims we suppress we are forced to keep it all bottled inside, we don’t speak, we often pretend all is well, and, asked and expected to lead normal lives.

These are just a few of the labels we wear as victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse, BUT for those of us that still struggle, we CAN and will SHED these labels… 

Let’s Reassign The Shame… Speak! 

Join me as I/we shed these labels and journey2free. From my heart to yours! God Bless

Never A Daddy’s Little Girl…. Part 1

15 May

It is said a little girl loves and idolizes her father as he is the first man she knows, respect and loves. Psychology says and proves a father paves the way in nurturing, loving, instructing, guiding and influencing their daughters… Well my dad did all the above just Not in the conventional way it was intended, there is so much to be said about this man I called daddy, like the fact he never wanted me!!!

My father had and still has no idea the pain, the torment and trauma I suffered at his hands (well mouth) for although he NEVER inappropriately touched me, the names he called me over the years (bitch, slut, whore) the words cut deeply…With each utterance of one of those derogatory words from my dad, I felt the harshness and cruelty one would feel when slapped hard across the face or salt being thrown on a freshly scare wound. My heart bled, my heart broke and something ripped on my insides each time he called me stupid! He would frequently say “You’re the eldest yet the dumbest of my children”, he’d say even my baby brother had more smarts; he was more intelligent than I was. I know he knew that he was WRONG…I am a very intelligent woman!!

I questioned myself over the years because whenever he uttered such words, it felt he possessed some unique super human ability to look within and see my inner anguish. I often questioned if, somehow my dad knew I was sexually active even though I was being violated and tormented without my consent. Could this be why he called me names? Did I in some way want these men to violate me? Did I lead them on, did I enjoy it? Did I display certain behaviors that warranted them do this to me? Today I know the answer to those question is a resounding NO! Nothing that an underage child does should lead grown men to have sex with them!!! 

From a very early age I realized I was anything but the apple of my father’s eye, in fact I was like a thorn in his side. My dad wanted boys the more boys he had the better it would have been for him but God threw a monkey wrench in his plans. My father never wanted me because I am a girl. He is the definition of a true narcissist! I love my father and for years I fought to gain his love and affection, but I could never measure up to his standards…well what standard? It is my dad’s belief that a woman’s role was to lay on their backs and earn their keep.

The lessons he taught some good and some bad! The lessons were many, and boy do I have stories to tell! One of the lessons that resonated the most is one he unknowingly taught me, he taught me how to be independent, relying on no one for anything! Independent I became! My dad taught me independence in two ways…

1.     Observing the relationship between him and my mom, the system between my dad and my mom was orchestrated so that my mother had to ask his permission before she spent HIS money.

2.     At the age of seven I recall an incident where I had asked my mom for school supplies and she told me to ask my dad for the money, upon asking my father, he looked me directly in the eyes and said “I am not too particular to give you anything, because you a go breed by 11”. At seven years old, within that second, that minute, that hour, that day, as the seconds ticked away, I made a conscious decision never to ask my dad or any other man for that matter for money! It’s a rule I live by to this present day. Needless to say, this rule has caused issues in relationships. My father made his belief and his feelings for women known, he didn’t down play it, or sugar coat it, “A woman’s rightful place is in the home. All women are good for is to cook, clean, service men and breed (have children).” This is why still to this day he has no idea his girls where sexually abused! Isn’t life a bitch?! While I have mixed emotions about my mother’s choice in not telling him, knowing his temperament and the fear is that he would do to us what he did to her…eventually using his knowledge of the sexual abuse against her.  

For years I lived with conflicted emotions on one hand I couldn’t allow myself to be the woman my father envisioned and expected me to become and on the other hand, I was that woman, because for years while I was being sexually abused and years after the abuse I believed deep down that I was the woman my dad had predicted I would be, that all I was, was an object of pleasure and desire for men and boys. This constant battle added to the emotional and psychological trauma I lived through as a result of the different types of abuse and my life with Sickle Cell Anemia.

I succumbed to my greatest fear (I’m the worthless woman dad said I would be), I was tormented mentally and emotionally because I refused to have a relationship of a sexual nature with anyone for fear of being what my dad deemed me to be, yet here I was being sexually violated over and over and over again by a man and his son who should have been looking out for me, protecting and teaching me …It’s as if I couldn’t escape the wretched clasps of narcissistic men! With each violation, my thoughts were how badly I wanted to save myself for the one I loved, I wanted the option to give myself to whomever I pleased or desired, I too wanted the option of making the poor decisions of finding my FIRST true love and losing my innocence to him. I didn’t want it to be ripped from my grasp by family members!!!

My dad had his moments when he was kind, he had somewhat of a giving heart, which was seldom displayed. My dad’s good qualities were overpowered, overshadowed and tainted with sheer ugliness! He gave expecting something in return, he loved demanding to be loved, he claimed he cared however if at any time something didn’t go his way, he would have a hissy fit like that of my two year old son! The world was out to get him, God was testing him, and people entered his life to use him. He often compared himself to Job of the bible…He could not see past himself! I often heard friends, associates and strangers alike long for their fathers, some wishing they had a father like mine, to that I would and still smile awkwardly because if only they knew! I believe, some are much better off without their dads. I feel that God was shielding and protecting them from years of mental torment! It hurts me, for no matter how I tried to please my dad, I was never good enough, I couldn’t do enough and more was always expected. I realize no matter how I tried I was never and would never be daddy’s little girl!

 For years I made excuses for my parents, in my quest to understand, explain and rationalize their behaviors. While I now realize and accept that they are human, I often wondered about their mental state. How and what did they think about? Are they aware of their actions and behaviors, the implications? If brought to their attention would an attempt be made to reverse, repair or change?

I hated my dad at times, I experienced moments of extreme and intense hatred! I would sit and will myself to remain angry at him, (I couldn’t pull it off) the abusive nature of this man, the things he would do to my family, to my siblings in the name of discipline. My dad was physical (though seldom), verbally, and emotionally abusive. Verbally relentless, emotionally draining and mentally it was never ending. He threw one of my brothers down a flight of stairs, physically pulling him back up only to throw him back down, beatings were with whatever was in his reach. I despised him for hitting my siblings; I would go into protective mood time and time again for my mom, my siblings, myself.  All this would take place at home yet WE would walk out the door as a family pretending all was well with the world.

As I write my blogs and work on my book I realize these are the very reasons it took me this long to get these things out… Because they hurt, I have never sat down and really allowed myself to process or feel the various emotion because I always had to be in action mode, and, it was safer not speaking about it all. My dad made sacrifices for us, and he showed in many ways that he loved us, though tainted at times… (Whether out of obligation or duty) but he never had the rationale to see or understand the negative impact his actions had on his family. It was these actions that warranted his dismissal from our family home. I didn’t know what I was doing or how we would have survived, but I knew I had to protect my brothers from the negative teaching my dad was providing to them about women.  “Women are walking dead; no woman is to be trusted especially the pretty ones.”  Even with a wife and two daughters he felt the need to constantly bash women. My dad’s issues which I now know are his issues impacted me in a very negative way but…

” I am not that wimp of a child anymore and I refuse to carry the shackles of my parents, forefathers and relatives sins, their past experiences has influenced me enough I’m breaking free, no more chains holding me, its heavy… I want my freedom thus I’m taking my freedom, forgetting others expectations of me…I am being that which God wants, needs and intends for me to be…Join me as I/we journey to free.

 

From my heart to yours

Larissa

Confessions Of A Twisted Mind!

6 May

When I began my quest for freedom, I knew that I would be in for a long and tedious journey. I am braving the elements, constantly questioning myself and refraining from writing or expressing myself truly, as I am still in a weary state of trying to please my family and friends. Trying to protect the feelings of others! Thus, it’s been an even harder journey. I convinced myself that I must be authentic, but how authentic can I be if things are sugar-coated and I am not forth coming? I am still reeling from the negativity of others because I choose to speak about my journey, it has gotten to the point where, I have had to block, ignore or downright remove myself from certain individuals.

Throughout my life I have gone through great lengths and done a great deal, all in the name of family. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty, I have made consorted efforts to remain true, gone distances to socialize with family members, some of whom were involved in hurting me, stretched myself beyond my own limits of any rational reasoning mind, all for the sake of bringing family together and maintaining peace. For too long have I lived assuming the roles and responsibilities for other people’s feelings, emotions, comfort and happiness, while I sat there in great turmoil and discomfort, uneasy in my own damn skin. Time after time being asked to bear a little longer, speak a little quieter, suppress even deeper, act friendlier, smile a little broader, and pretend forever, accepting more and more…I prided myself on being an overtly family oriented individual. Whatever was asked or expected of me I did without question.

Now I am beginning to feel anger and resentment build inside me like a crescendo.  I am angered because as I continue this process not knowing what to expect or even how to feel, I am realizing, my journeying to free is emotionally taxing. This, this…I don’t even know what to refer to him as, one of my abusers was recently told that I have begun speaking openly about being sexually abused by him for years and though I’m not sure what I was expecting to hear from this man…I am still amazed that I allow myself to be triggered by him. Upon being told that I and others are coming forward and voicing our plight at his hands. I was told of a comment he made “My eye water will fall on them; they will suffer for what THEY are doing to me!!!”…

How truly sick and narcissistic can this man be to utter these words? How starved for love and affection could you have been to not see anything wrong with raping, fondling and kissing a child? I ask myself “How can he truly justify and rationalize his actions?” How dare he believe that you should have these feelings of entitlement? How does he arrive at the conclusion he had the right to deface, defile dishonor and derail my destiny? Who granted him the right to alter my childhood? Smearing my innocence, smudging my character, taking my pride, my dignity, making me into a woman before I had the chance to be a GIRL? How dare you?!! You hurt us without having a thought or an afterthought of how I and others would feel, think or be affected?!!!  How does he not see anything wrong with what he has done to me/us? This man has/had absolutely no remorse for his actions when confronted!!! Yes I AM ANGRY!

When I think about my constant battle with Sickle Cell Anemia and how ill I would be during the times he violated my frail body, I am angry, hurt and resentful of all those who do not or choose not to understand the pain I felt then and the pain I am feeling now. The PAIN I feel each time a memory is triggered about an incident with this man, in combination with my battle with this health demon of an illness that is always looming in the shadows, threatening to derail me at every turn. Does anyone even understand this pain, the raw undiluted pain I have carried and continue to carry because I was so brutally debased?  I am pissed, truly angry, and livid! My gut churns, I am puzzled, and in amazement …It truly boggles my mind, to think that this sick perverted bastard would have the nerve to think or feel I/we are out get him or that he is innocent! I find myself fighting, trying to find the balance between continuing the work I have begun in search of my happiness, finding my self-worth and simply just letting them all win by remaining silent like I did for so many years.

Why was I and others not protected by the “Family”? Some of them knew but no-one made him stop! At this very moment I can feel the anger filling my entire body, wanting to explode like a volcanic eruption of hot lava pouring down on the heads of all those who could have done something to stop this heinous atrocity but stood by and simply watched bowed head and lowered eyes. I am angry at myself for not speaking out sooner, now I ask myself “Why did I wait this long to finally realize what I needed to do for my process of healing to begin?”  As I reflect on the truth of “Why I waited this long?” It angers me that I sat around for years and did nothing because I was seeking the validation and acceptance of others to do so! But sexual abuse, an incurable illness and child abuse will do that…it will rob you of your senses, your confidence and your voice. I’m taking it all back!

This issue of my sexual abuse is difficult to deal with, there are days when I restrict my own thinking, for fear of going back to that place in my mind where the hell unleashes. I heard somewhere the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, simply if it’s done before, it will be done again! And what do you know the son of a bitch did it again, and again and again!!! Now that the secret has been reveled and victims have come forward, this bastard expects that people should show him empathy, sorrow, help him lick his wounds like a wounded dog! He and others just like him, they blame everyone it’s never their fault! They lack the ability or they refuse to take responsibility for the things they have done. He’s unable to see beyond himself, he displays an air of arrogance, lacking the ability to feel, to show empathy for his victims, incapable of feeling remorse or guilt and he really doesn’t care about the impact his actions has on the lives of those he violated! He never has and never will! Each conversation/confrontation has been about himself, this sick perverted fuck, that for years threatened my life and the lives of my siblings, if I opened my mouth and spoke of his vile acts, to this day he hasn’t sought my forgiveness! So tell me why, Why,  and how is it that I am being asked or expected to be sympathetic towards him because he’s now old and ill? I say “GO TO HELL AND ROT!”

To all the others who have taken from me! Your actions were not and are not OK!! I’m reclaiming that which was stolen! I DON’T CARE how my story affects your twisted little world…cry if you want to, hurt if you want …that is not my concern! I still cry as a result of the things you did to me…How many tears have I shed and will continue to shed?!!!

I am angry, I’m pissed, and I’m furious, frustrated and petrified YET, yet… I am compelled to speak my truth so others may draw strength and inspiration, knowing that it is indeed possible to rise above the ashes of what once was. My story is unfolding and not expected to be kept a secret and I’m going to shout it to whomever will listen, (or read…leaving all on paper!) I’m no longer an island, I no longer stand alone, I’m NOT shouldering this burden ALONE anymore!  No longer will I live in silence, afraid of who may or may not be offended…Yes you bent me, but I didn’t break! I’m not going to remain the sheltered, helpless, bruised, tortured soul, I am taking my power back…and I’m fitting the pieces back together!

I was bound and en-caged by mental slavery. I do however know that the freedom which I seek, the love and the forgiveness I am searching for, though evasive I must continue on my path. It will not be this way much longer! We are responsible to share our struggles and stories of survival, It’s our duty to uphold for the betterment of humanity and mankind, in addition it is our right and our responsibility to be the best we can be, to be our real and authentic selves, to be happy and live a life free of disdain and judgments placed upon us by others.

Therefore I/you have the power to sever all ties if needs be from those who inflict pain, causes harm, unjustly speak or act whether you share DNA or not. It’s my Gods-given right to do and be the best version of myself, likewise everyone else as long as you are not causing harm to anyone.  If you try to put an end to an injustice, break free of the chains and bondage of self-hatred, mental anguish, or to fulfill your dreams, walk into the path of God’s leadership, and people you are directly or indirectly tied to thru DNA or not tries to conceal horrid injustices or simply hamper or hinder your freedom, stop your progress or can’t just be happy for you that you can finally get to a place where you no longer hang your head in shame, drown your sorrows in a bottle or drugs, remain a victim, defeated and depleted… in the name of family, reevaluate, drop, sever who needs to be severed and do what’s been placed on your heart. Join me as I/we journey2free…

From my heart to yours

Larissa

Unapologetic Part 2

15 Apr

The threats are reeling in. The vile and insensitive remarks are endless, the accusations, and assumptions are piling on and the questions are many! I have gone and done the unthinkable, the inexcusable, and the unforgivable. I spoke and am speaking my truth! I promised myself I would refrain from writing angry but recent occurrences cause me to want to vent a little.

I decided to take this journey, knowing I was raised in a culture, where silence on sexual abuse is the norm, I decided to break the mold, to break the silence that has been cultivated under the guise of “Family Unity and Strength”. I wanted to make a difference and no-one was going to suffocate my truth,  I tried for years to keep this story hidden, I was afraid, the fear of being despised, fear of exposure, and the risk of telling another’s story who may not what their story to be told. Fear…no one wants to read, see, and hear what I have to say, the repercussion which may follow suit… Contrary to all this, my new revelations, my drive/guilt, and the overwhelming responsibility I feel to help, far outweighs my fear!

It’s hard to explain the impact sexual abuse has on everyone involved, it destroys entire families if you allow it. Lately, there seems to be a constant barrage of instructions from family members regarding how I should think, act, approach, and the steps I should take to ensure that this does not reflect poorly on them even though the abuse I endured was not their doing.

I have been receiving different threats! In the past few weeks I have been called names, threatened several times, to the point where I had to call the police. I have been called a liar, a whore, a harlot, a low life,  an attention seeking bitch, told they wish they could stone all of those who claim they were sexually assaulted…just to name a few. (This from some family members) some of this was to be expected, but, I cannot speak my truth and keep a secret!

I really do wonder the mindset of a few, one relative stated “I don’t know when talking about sexual abuse became a degree to be proud of, you are attention seekers”.  As I reflect on some of the statements made, I cannot help but wonder…what kind of attention would any logical, sane thinking person gain from claiming to have had such a traumatic experience?

It has always been my belief as a child growing up that if I had spoken out my family would not have believed me.  I always felt that if I told it would have created an uproar. Ironically, from the public display of anger, ignorance and insensitive comments from some of my family members, I was so right! Relatives have personalize the issue, offer to stone me to death, beat me to a pulp, in addition many does not believe. Relatives have behaved as if the abuser’s actions are their shame to bear. I hear how this should have been handled, what they would have done, worst, what action they would have taken had they known or had they been the victim…I say to all who aren’t clear how to react to this issue, (if you haven’t lived it, was threatened, experienced the fear, had siblings to protect, betrayed by those who should have protected you, experienced the shame and self-loathing, the psychological, and psychosocial horrors, the emotional distress,  the resentment, the anger, the hatred and all the barrage of fear and emotions that I and other victims have experienced…Please if you don’t have positive things to say… Please keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself.

My fellow victims/survivors of sexual abuse, while I advocate on your behalf until you find your voice to speak out, acknowledge, own and accept your truth, I must as the precursor tell you; it’s not an easy undertaking to speak your truth!!! “No one has the power to hurt you like your kin,” according to India Arie It’s no easy feat, to speak your truth and not be deterred by the limited thinking of others.

I will not be forced or threatened into submission… I will not be coerced or manipulated, I will not be deterred…I did that for too long, try again! But, know that while you continue your ignorance, and display your true colors, you may be hindering another from speaking their truth, maybe your own. I thank you however, for granting me the fuel I needed,  saving me the time it would take to figure out who is for and against me and the empowerment of young girls and boys against this atrocity of sexual violation.

I laugh, because I knew some of the nay sayers would not have the intellectual capacity to comprehend the scope of this issue. I however have had a few jaw dropping moments, when those I had admired  and respected for years were the ones who made the most ludicrous remarks, for e.g. “your so called abuse and we/I are seeking attention, you wanted it, you liked it that’s why you didn’t tell anyone.”  Some even asked for proof that I was sexually molested by this monster.  The irony of the truth seeker’s request is that when the monster was confronted in my home she was present.  He admitted that he had sexually abused me and further added to his confession in her presence.

“Mi tek care a unno,  mi nevva breed unoo, nor buss unno up.” Translation (I took care of you all, you are lucky I didn’t impregnate any of you or tore your vaginal walls.) She was present at this confession, yet seeks proof. Lol!

Children in the family were bold enough to voice their lopsided opinions about this issue because grown folks refused to speak the truth and take responsibility for their actions or the lack thereof.

To the victims that have reached out to me, as I encourage you to release yourself from the shame and the blame you carry, reclaim that which was taken from you and rise to meet the freedom that is calling. Be prepared for the hell that will be unleashed on you by your family when you are ready. Many will leave you standing alone because they do not understand that this journey must be taken in order for you to be free, they are still under the impression that this can be handled in secret, in silence, within the family , because it is the family’s shame.  I have no shame; the perpetrator is the monster, not the family members. Take solace in knowing you have support, both mine and that of my family members who are supporting me in this process.  You are not your past and what has been done to you does not by any means define you, you too will have the relatives, and friends, cynics and critics. Truth be told, what can they do or say that have not already been said or done?

To the insensitive jerks who have felt the need to minimize the issue of child sex abuse, please know this… THIS IS MY STORY; I lived it and continue to live with the remnants of the actions of all my abusers.  Make a mental note, you will NOT stop me, your plots and threats that you continue to make in an effort to shut me up will not succeed. Only death can derail this truth therefore be prepared to kill, hurt and harm the constantly growing number of sexual abuse survivors who are empowered and are rising up against the monsters. Know that God didn’t bring me this far to succumb to scum! The silence is over!!!

To the family members who are angry with me for putting an end to the silence, I urge you to reflect on why my speaking my truth bothers you. Upon close reflection, I am in fact appreciative of the outburst from some of you. I’m sorry to burst ya’ll bubble, but this stance that I have taken has ZERO to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with me speaking up and out for myself!

Some have paraded a barrage of step mothers and fathers in and out of the lives of your children over the years, I beg you to have a conversation with them and pray they are not afraid to speak up if someone has in fact hurt them. My aim, my intent was not and is not to taint or tarnish, but to speak my truth and in so doing give others who are silently suffering the courage to be brave. I’m hoping they will know they can rise above it all.

Sit there and stew…selfishly get upset, fuss, argue, talk about me all you want, conspire and conclude… You CANNOT and WILL NOT stop my progress. This is so much bigger than your ignorance can perceive. My only fear in this life is GOD; he alone can stop me, so give it your best shot… I have survived and I will rise, because He has and continues to sustain me.

Continue questioning my motives, you don’t get it, I understand why you don’t, only minds that are open and ready to receive will. Your negativity, hate, gossip/nosiness masquerading as care is obvious, I pray you get there one day. I pray God’s richest blessing over your lives…

The time has come!  Notice, I never asked for your permission, which means I don’t need your approval! I don’t expect you to understand, the process or how or why I was led. I’m on my way to free… join me as I/we journey2free.

Larissa