Tag Archives: family

We Need More Voices!

25 Oct

Over the course of the last 10 months I’ve had this recurring experience, each and every time I open my mouth and speak about Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) regardless of where I am and to whom I am speaking, I find that individual or person’s I’m addressing have experience this ordeal or, they know someone that have had the experience. I have seen and have read the stats, and I must admit I am left questioning the approximation of the (one in every three (3) girls and one in every six (6) boys figure). I happen to know that the stat’s recorded is that of reported cases, which leaves me dumbfounded and truly afraid, questioning what is the actual figure?! How many of US are their really?! How many of US have actually experienced this evil AND how many more will their be?!

More light is being shed on this topic in recent years HOWEVER, much more NEEDS to be done! CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE ALTERS AND YES, RUINS LIVES!!!

In the underdeveloped mind of a child their sense of wonder and optimisms is interrupted, trust is broken, curiosity altered and everything that was once beautiful, innocent and a mystery is now mystified and fuddled. Behaviors that follow often perplex others. A  child that has been sexually violated will NEVER be the same! A shift happens in their brain and the act of betrayal permeates every fiber of their being. Studies show that victims of Child Sexual Abuse displays one or more of these harmful symptoms, symptoms such as:

Depression

Addiction

Suicide

Homicide

Psychosis

Intimacy

Dissociation

Trust Issues

Promiscuity

Self Mutilation

Self Esteem Issues

Anxiety/Panic Attacks

Sexual Dysfunction

Anti-social Personality

Sexual Identity Disorder

Withdrawals and the list goes on…

Many of these symptoms manifest during adulthood and many symptoms go undetected for years. For far too long Child Sexual Abuse have remained the most taboo topic. Many still struggle to SPEAK or have a basic discussion, yet, it’s still happening at an alarming rate! Why?! Victims struggle to speak, because (relying on the stats) it’s reported that 93% YES 93% of victims know their abuser. Therefore, it causes US victims to remain mute, ashamed and afraid because God forbid someone finds out my father, mother, grand-pappy, uncle, aunty, pastor, coach, teacher, brother, sister, cousin raped or sexually violated me, oh the horror, the judgement, what will the world think of me and how will I be viewed? The truth is, these predators strive of our silence, oh yes!  Our not speaking enables and emboldens the perp. I heard it said that SILENCE IS A PREDATORS BEST FRIEND, and this proved true not only in my case, but almost in every case!

In my life I have dealt with and experience ‘several‘ of these symptoms. I will be sharing my personal experience with some of these symptoms in hopes others will be able to relate and identify. But, in the meantime I encourage, in fact I implore victims and survivors alike, ‘Be emboldened and let’s start speaking out!‘ Our life, our children’s life depends on it! Being sexually violated is NOT your shame!

Let’s Reassign The Shame and focus on saving another from having to live with the torment! From my heart to yours… Journey 2 Free.

 

A Daughter’s Heart Break… Part 2

19 Apr
Horace-Rhone-1491567206

I LOVE YOU DADDY!

There’s been a knot in my chest since the 2nd of April 2017, I’ve had several nightmares since then. I am uneasy, I keep replaying calling you, begging for you to wake up dad, to grant me the opportunity to say a proper and final goodbye. I have shed countless tears in private as well as publicly, my go to (writing) doesn’t seem to help much. I was unable to read my tribute to you on Thursday and though Rick and Julie offered to read it, I just couldn’t, they were my final words to you and I wanted to say them. (I will soon) I write now with tears streaming down my face, still questioning, besides the fact that you are dad and I love you, why does your passing bother me so?! Your passing have unearthed all types of emotions and left me in a state of quandary!

Death has a way of forcing us to reflect, whether on unfulfilled desires, unattained dreams, unmet goals, there is nothing like the passing of a friend, an associate or loved one that propels us to put things into perspective and compels us to search our hearts, question our motives, reignite passions, release or let go off old grudges, and drives us to be more compassionate, considerate, forgiving, loving and kind etc. even if it’s just for a moment…

For me however, this is really not the case. Dads passing somehow made me revert, it’s unfathomable, somewhat irritating and renders me cheerless. I remain in a  somber/melancholy like mood. I feel like a five year old child!

I find myself pining away, needing to feel my dad’s arms around me and him telling me just how much he loves me, the irony is, I NEVER received that type of affection as a little girl! Hence my confusion, (something for the professionals to explain) I have spent each quiet moment, no matter how brief, searching the crevasse of my heart trying to find an explanation to the emptiness I feel. I am relieved that dad is no longer uncomfortable or in pain, I’m content that he is resting peacefully, but much to my consternation I’m left feeling shaken, bothered and extremely emotional. WHY?! I have questioned my current state of being many times, I have yet to sit in total serenity and surrender to this feeling, but I’m beginning to make sense of it.

Every little girl wishes to be daddy’s little angel, the apple of his eye, the one that causes him to see reason, to as much as force him to change his life. Every little girl yearns to feel protected, shielded by her 1st knight in amour, her father. A dad emboldens his daughter, teaches her values, reminding her of her worth and how special a gift she is to the earth. Every girl wants to know that there is one man whose love is impenetrable towards her and regardless of what happens she is loved unconditionally, I’m no different. I LOVED my dad, and I know he LOVED me, but, we butted heads. It took us both a long time to see and unfortunately this is apart of my uneasiness and my query,  I am not at all certain DAD was able to see me…

TO BE CONTINUED…

COURT: DAY 7… A GRANDMOTHER’S BETRAYAL.

26 Mar

A Grandmother’s Betrayal… CHOOSE YOU!!!

Some days were unbearable (emotionally). Sitting across from the matriarch of the family, knowing she’s present at court not because of her daughters and granddaughters, but instead in support of her husband that sexually abused her daughters and granddaughters… Some days were tough!

Court: Day 7 This day was rather challenging (mentally) for me. The journey continues…

I AM NOT MY MOTHER! Part1

10 Jun

“Your mother gives you your identity as a woman” (Iyanla Vanzant) hmm-mm I don’t know…Is this really true? I will be able to agree or disagree at the end of my release. I have been rather hesitant to write this post, and the others that will follow, I agonized over the wording, what should I reveal and what to hold back until further notice. What will be considered offensive, how will this be perceived? Will my actions be understood? The reason this particular post proves challenging is because it’s solely about my first relationship, my first role model, my first love, my first heart-break, my first betrayal; this post is about my Mother! I LOVE my mother yet for years I battled with various emotions, how could this woman who I adore cause me so much pain! I RESENTED this woman, in equal terms, with mixed emotions, one part loving the other part resenting! But I knew underneath it all… unconditional love was always looming.

I watched and listened over the past few weeks her responses to my choices, her attitude fluctuating as she’s not sure what, and how to feel, when or how to speak, or how to act or at times verbally approach this situation of me publicly speaking about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I watched her as she rode her waves of emotions, not knowing at times if she wanted to support or condemn me. I listened and observed as she tried to accept and find her footing when she realized there was no stopping me.  My mother as usual laid wait, waiting for others to react, to know how to feel it seems.  The support from her didn’t come until she saw the support of others rolling my way. It seems she found the courage to follow suit though apprehensive.

Little did my dearest mother know, this, my speaking out, my taking action was happening with or without her approval, because I was tired and I was about to blow.  I have tried for many years to be respectful of her, holding in my true feelings toward her, taking into account she has been through so much, and I didn’t want to hurt her any more than she had already been hurt. Throughout this time I have been annoyed and irritated with her child like cowardly behavior over the years, and I have held her responsible first and foremost for the deepest parts of my hurt and the pain that I carry. I never felt protected, I never felt important, I never felt like a priority, she made me feel like an obligation she had to fulfill, the deepest and hardest part of my test, and the times I needed her to stand with me and weather this storm she bailed, she succumbed, she reverted, she acted like a weak and puny, coward child, giving in to everyone’s demands but mine, standing and siding with everyone but me…

Not having my mother’s support over the years killed me over and over inside, with each dismissal of my pain I was made to relive, to retell, to revisit old hurt, I felt trapped, I felt suffocated, and the more she and others asked me to suppress the torture I had to endure, the more I started to resemble my weak and feeble mom…I knew it was happening and I hated the thought of becoming the spineless coward people pleasing person that my mother was or had become. Little did I know…The story was yet to unfold!

I knew that once I started making the abuse public, it would be hard for her as it is ridiculously hard for me, however it’s all a part of my healing and I must heal completely not just a fraction. I must come to terms, accept and release it all en root to my end result, my ultimate goal of healing and forgiveness.

My relationship with my mother has been one filled with many highs and lows, smooth sailing and turbulent, our relationship mimic that of many mothers and daughters, our disagreements and butting heads were many, as with ever parent and child we had our occasional blow up and blow outs. We fought but our fights though at times tense our fights were considered mild-mannered compared to some of my peers. My mother and I somehow managed to remain respectful and dignified… I believe like her I fought hard but with caution, trying to refrain from saying what we truly felt and what probably needed to be said. Throughout the years though it was extremely hard at times for me because even though I loved and respected my mother so much our relationship was strained. I thought and still do think the world of my mom, for the most part “but” there was that side, the side where my love never wavered but my respect did. I had my moments of being extremely happy that she was and is my mom, yet at times I found myself torn between love and deep-seated resentment!

“I am not my mother!” The first time I uttered those words I was seventeen years old, and after a major fight with one of my aunts I recall her (my aunt) explaining her dismay, total surprise/disbelief that I reacted, (fighting back after she punched me in the head) according to her  because I fought back, I had no manners or respect. She stated that had my mom, her elder sister hit her she would not have fought or hit back…I was livid, I had done nothing wrong to warrant the abuse, so while she tried to accept the reality I had had enough of her and fought back, and she was ever so correct I had NO respect for her NONE but… (Another post).  I was steaming over the fact she compared me to my mom! That was my first time saying it out loud “I am not my mother!” but had not been the last time, in fact it resonated over the years… I refused to be my mother, I am not my mother and will never be my mother I would tell myself and repeat these five little words time and time again. I thought my belief,  I thought my refusal to pattern my mom’s ways were as a result of her demonstration of self throughout her relationship with my dad and while this held true, it was not my only reason.

Imagine my surprise when in my adult years I finally realized that the way I felt about my mom was a combination of things. I knew I didn’t want to be her because she didn’t protect me as a child, in addition to how she reacted to my dad’s ill-treatment. I resented my mother, and I resented her deeply. It’s something I have battled for years, and yes, while I had my moments I realized I loved this woman tremendously but for the most part I didn’t like her! I did not like my mother! How and why you wonder? Well at five years old the first time my grandmother’s husband stuck his slimy nasty disgusting tongue down my throat and fondled me to the point he ejaculated from the pleasure he received. The moment I returned to safety the first person I told was my mom. What happened next was not expected even my five-year old brain knew something was off…My mother, yes my ‘mom’ proceeded to pull my underwear down, check me to see if he had penetrated, pull my undies back up and uttered the words “do not tell your father, do not tell anyone!” I was too young then to comprehend the profound impact and the magnitude and/or toll that this decision would have on my life in the years that followed. I had my first experience of extreme betrayal then, from the person I loved and idolized the most. My first lesson was that this man, her mother and others were more important than I was. The five-year old me needed my mommy to show up and out for me. This was the beginning of a steady decline in our relationship as I would come to realize my mom placed the feelings of others first, her feelings as well as my own we were second in command. The saga continues…

Releasing old hurts, relinquishing resentments, dismissing old beliefs, surrendering to healing and  journeying to free… Join me as I/we Journey2Free

 

From my heart to yours

 

Larissa


 

Confessions Of A Twisted Mind!

6 May

When I began my quest for freedom, I knew that I would be in for a long and tedious journey. I am braving the elements, constantly questioning myself and refraining from writing or expressing myself truly, as I am still in a weary state of trying to please my family and friends. Trying to protect the feelings of others! Thus, it’s been an even harder journey. I convinced myself that I must be authentic, but how authentic can I be if things are sugar-coated and I am not forth coming? I am still reeling from the negativity of others because I choose to speak about my journey, it has gotten to the point where, I have had to block, ignore or downright remove myself from certain individuals.

Throughout my life I have gone through great lengths and done a great deal, all in the name of family. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty, I have made consorted efforts to remain true, gone distances to socialize with family members, some of whom were involved in hurting me, stretched myself beyond my own limits of any rational reasoning mind, all for the sake of bringing family together and maintaining peace. For too long have I lived assuming the roles and responsibilities for other people’s feelings, emotions, comfort and happiness, while I sat there in great turmoil and discomfort, uneasy in my own damn skin. Time after time being asked to bear a little longer, speak a little quieter, suppress even deeper, act friendlier, smile a little broader, and pretend forever, accepting more and more…I prided myself on being an overtly family oriented individual. Whatever was asked or expected of me I did without question.

Now I am beginning to feel anger and resentment build inside me like a crescendo.  I am angered because as I continue this process not knowing what to expect or even how to feel, I am realizing, my journeying to free is emotionally taxing. This, this…I don’t even know what to refer to him as, one of my abusers was recently told that I have begun speaking openly about being sexually abused by him for years and though I’m not sure what I was expecting to hear from this man…I am still amazed that I allow myself to be triggered by him. Upon being told that I and others are coming forward and voicing our plight at his hands. I was told of a comment he made “My eye water will fall on them; they will suffer for what THEY are doing to me!!!”…

How truly sick and narcissistic can this man be to utter these words? How starved for love and affection could you have been to not see anything wrong with raping, fondling and kissing a child? I ask myself “How can he truly justify and rationalize his actions?” How dare he believe that you should have these feelings of entitlement? How does he arrive at the conclusion he had the right to deface, defile dishonor and derail my destiny? Who granted him the right to alter my childhood? Smearing my innocence, smudging my character, taking my pride, my dignity, making me into a woman before I had the chance to be a GIRL? How dare you?!! You hurt us without having a thought or an afterthought of how I and others would feel, think or be affected?!!!  How does he not see anything wrong with what he has done to me/us? This man has/had absolutely no remorse for his actions when confronted!!! Yes I AM ANGRY!

When I think about my constant battle with Sickle Cell Anemia and how ill I would be during the times he violated my frail body, I am angry, hurt and resentful of all those who do not or choose not to understand the pain I felt then and the pain I am feeling now. The PAIN I feel each time a memory is triggered about an incident with this man, in combination with my battle with this health demon of an illness that is always looming in the shadows, threatening to derail me at every turn. Does anyone even understand this pain, the raw undiluted pain I have carried and continue to carry because I was so brutally debased?  I am pissed, truly angry, and livid! My gut churns, I am puzzled, and in amazement …It truly boggles my mind, to think that this sick perverted bastard would have the nerve to think or feel I/we are out get him or that he is innocent! I find myself fighting, trying to find the balance between continuing the work I have begun in search of my happiness, finding my self-worth and simply just letting them all win by remaining silent like I did for so many years.

Why was I and others not protected by the “Family”? Some of them knew but no-one made him stop! At this very moment I can feel the anger filling my entire body, wanting to explode like a volcanic eruption of hot lava pouring down on the heads of all those who could have done something to stop this heinous atrocity but stood by and simply watched bowed head and lowered eyes. I am angry at myself for not speaking out sooner, now I ask myself “Why did I wait this long to finally realize what I needed to do for my process of healing to begin?”  As I reflect on the truth of “Why I waited this long?” It angers me that I sat around for years and did nothing because I was seeking the validation and acceptance of others to do so! But sexual abuse, an incurable illness and child abuse will do that…it will rob you of your senses, your confidence and your voice. I’m taking it all back!

This issue of my sexual abuse is difficult to deal with, there are days when I restrict my own thinking, for fear of going back to that place in my mind where the hell unleashes. I heard somewhere the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, simply if it’s done before, it will be done again! And what do you know the son of a bitch did it again, and again and again!!! Now that the secret has been reveled and victims have come forward, this bastard expects that people should show him empathy, sorrow, help him lick his wounds like a wounded dog! He and others just like him, they blame everyone it’s never their fault! They lack the ability or they refuse to take responsibility for the things they have done. He’s unable to see beyond himself, he displays an air of arrogance, lacking the ability to feel, to show empathy for his victims, incapable of feeling remorse or guilt and he really doesn’t care about the impact his actions has on the lives of those he violated! He never has and never will! Each conversation/confrontation has been about himself, this sick perverted fuck, that for years threatened my life and the lives of my siblings, if I opened my mouth and spoke of his vile acts, to this day he hasn’t sought my forgiveness! So tell me why, Why,  and how is it that I am being asked or expected to be sympathetic towards him because he’s now old and ill? I say “GO TO HELL AND ROT!”

To all the others who have taken from me! Your actions were not and are not OK!! I’m reclaiming that which was stolen! I DON’T CARE how my story affects your twisted little world…cry if you want to, hurt if you want …that is not my concern! I still cry as a result of the things you did to me…How many tears have I shed and will continue to shed?!!!

I am angry, I’m pissed, and I’m furious, frustrated and petrified YET, yet… I am compelled to speak my truth so others may draw strength and inspiration, knowing that it is indeed possible to rise above the ashes of what once was. My story is unfolding and not expected to be kept a secret and I’m going to shout it to whomever will listen, (or read…leaving all on paper!) I’m no longer an island, I no longer stand alone, I’m NOT shouldering this burden ALONE anymore!  No longer will I live in silence, afraid of who may or may not be offended…Yes you bent me, but I didn’t break! I’m not going to remain the sheltered, helpless, bruised, tortured soul, I am taking my power back…and I’m fitting the pieces back together!

I was bound and en-caged by mental slavery. I do however know that the freedom which I seek, the love and the forgiveness I am searching for, though evasive I must continue on my path. It will not be this way much longer! We are responsible to share our struggles and stories of survival, It’s our duty to uphold for the betterment of humanity and mankind, in addition it is our right and our responsibility to be the best we can be, to be our real and authentic selves, to be happy and live a life free of disdain and judgments placed upon us by others.

Therefore I/you have the power to sever all ties if needs be from those who inflict pain, causes harm, unjustly speak or act whether you share DNA or not. It’s my Gods-given right to do and be the best version of myself, likewise everyone else as long as you are not causing harm to anyone.  If you try to put an end to an injustice, break free of the chains and bondage of self-hatred, mental anguish, or to fulfill your dreams, walk into the path of God’s leadership, and people you are directly or indirectly tied to thru DNA or not tries to conceal horrid injustices or simply hamper or hinder your freedom, stop your progress or can’t just be happy for you that you can finally get to a place where you no longer hang your head in shame, drown your sorrows in a bottle or drugs, remain a victim, defeated and depleted… in the name of family, reevaluate, drop, sever who needs to be severed and do what’s been placed on your heart. Join me as I/we journey2free…

From my heart to yours

Larissa

Unapologetic Part 2

15 Apr

The threats are reeling in. The vile and insensitive remarks are endless, the accusations, and assumptions are piling on and the questions are many! I have gone and done the unthinkable, the inexcusable, and the unforgivable. I spoke and am speaking my truth! I promised myself I would refrain from writing angry but recent occurrences cause me to want to vent a little.

I decided to take this journey, knowing I was raised in a culture, where silence on sexual abuse is the norm, I decided to break the mold, to break the silence that has been cultivated under the guise of “Family Unity and Strength”. I wanted to make a difference and no-one was going to suffocate my truth,  I tried for years to keep this story hidden, I was afraid, the fear of being despised, fear of exposure, and the risk of telling another’s story who may not what their story to be told. Fear…no one wants to read, see, and hear what I have to say, the repercussion which may follow suit… Contrary to all this, my new revelations, my drive/guilt, and the overwhelming responsibility I feel to help, far outweighs my fear!

It’s hard to explain the impact sexual abuse has on everyone involved, it destroys entire families if you allow it. Lately, there seems to be a constant barrage of instructions from family members regarding how I should think, act, approach, and the steps I should take to ensure that this does not reflect poorly on them even though the abuse I endured was not their doing.

I have been receiving different threats! In the past few weeks I have been called names, threatened several times, to the point where I had to call the police. I have been called a liar, a whore, a harlot, a low life,  an attention seeking bitch, told they wish they could stone all of those who claim they were sexually assaulted…just to name a few. (This from some family members) some of this was to be expected, but, I cannot speak my truth and keep a secret!

I really do wonder the mindset of a few, one relative stated “I don’t know when talking about sexual abuse became a degree to be proud of, you are attention seekers”.  As I reflect on some of the statements made, I cannot help but wonder…what kind of attention would any logical, sane thinking person gain from claiming to have had such a traumatic experience?

It has always been my belief as a child growing up that if I had spoken out my family would not have believed me.  I always felt that if I told it would have created an uproar. Ironically, from the public display of anger, ignorance and insensitive comments from some of my family members, I was so right! Relatives have personalize the issue, offer to stone me to death, beat me to a pulp, in addition many does not believe. Relatives have behaved as if the abuser’s actions are their shame to bear. I hear how this should have been handled, what they would have done, worst, what action they would have taken had they known or had they been the victim…I say to all who aren’t clear how to react to this issue, (if you haven’t lived it, was threatened, experienced the fear, had siblings to protect, betrayed by those who should have protected you, experienced the shame and self-loathing, the psychological, and psychosocial horrors, the emotional distress,  the resentment, the anger, the hatred and all the barrage of fear and emotions that I and other victims have experienced…Please if you don’t have positive things to say… Please keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself.

My fellow victims/survivors of sexual abuse, while I advocate on your behalf until you find your voice to speak out, acknowledge, own and accept your truth, I must as the precursor tell you; it’s not an easy undertaking to speak your truth!!! “No one has the power to hurt you like your kin,” according to India Arie It’s no easy feat, to speak your truth and not be deterred by the limited thinking of others.

I will not be forced or threatened into submission… I will not be coerced or manipulated, I will not be deterred…I did that for too long, try again! But, know that while you continue your ignorance, and display your true colors, you may be hindering another from speaking their truth, maybe your own. I thank you however, for granting me the fuel I needed,  saving me the time it would take to figure out who is for and against me and the empowerment of young girls and boys against this atrocity of sexual violation.

I laugh, because I knew some of the nay sayers would not have the intellectual capacity to comprehend the scope of this issue. I however have had a few jaw dropping moments, when those I had admired  and respected for years were the ones who made the most ludicrous remarks, for e.g. “your so called abuse and we/I are seeking attention, you wanted it, you liked it that’s why you didn’t tell anyone.”  Some even asked for proof that I was sexually molested by this monster.  The irony of the truth seeker’s request is that when the monster was confronted in my home she was present.  He admitted that he had sexually abused me and further added to his confession in her presence.

“Mi tek care a unno,  mi nevva breed unoo, nor buss unno up.” Translation (I took care of you all, you are lucky I didn’t impregnate any of you or tore your vaginal walls.) She was present at this confession, yet seeks proof. Lol!

Children in the family were bold enough to voice their lopsided opinions about this issue because grown folks refused to speak the truth and take responsibility for their actions or the lack thereof.

To the victims that have reached out to me, as I encourage you to release yourself from the shame and the blame you carry, reclaim that which was taken from you and rise to meet the freedom that is calling. Be prepared for the hell that will be unleashed on you by your family when you are ready. Many will leave you standing alone because they do not understand that this journey must be taken in order for you to be free, they are still under the impression that this can be handled in secret, in silence, within the family , because it is the family’s shame.  I have no shame; the perpetrator is the monster, not the family members. Take solace in knowing you have support, both mine and that of my family members who are supporting me in this process.  You are not your past and what has been done to you does not by any means define you, you too will have the relatives, and friends, cynics and critics. Truth be told, what can they do or say that have not already been said or done?

To the insensitive jerks who have felt the need to minimize the issue of child sex abuse, please know this… THIS IS MY STORY; I lived it and continue to live with the remnants of the actions of all my abusers.  Make a mental note, you will NOT stop me, your plots and threats that you continue to make in an effort to shut me up will not succeed. Only death can derail this truth therefore be prepared to kill, hurt and harm the constantly growing number of sexual abuse survivors who are empowered and are rising up against the monsters. Know that God didn’t bring me this far to succumb to scum! The silence is over!!!

To the family members who are angry with me for putting an end to the silence, I urge you to reflect on why my speaking my truth bothers you. Upon close reflection, I am in fact appreciative of the outburst from some of you. I’m sorry to burst ya’ll bubble, but this stance that I have taken has ZERO to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with me speaking up and out for myself!

Some have paraded a barrage of step mothers and fathers in and out of the lives of your children over the years, I beg you to have a conversation with them and pray they are not afraid to speak up if someone has in fact hurt them. My aim, my intent was not and is not to taint or tarnish, but to speak my truth and in so doing give others who are silently suffering the courage to be brave. I’m hoping they will know they can rise above it all.

Sit there and stew…selfishly get upset, fuss, argue, talk about me all you want, conspire and conclude… You CANNOT and WILL NOT stop my progress. This is so much bigger than your ignorance can perceive. My only fear in this life is GOD; he alone can stop me, so give it your best shot… I have survived and I will rise, because He has and continues to sustain me.

Continue questioning my motives, you don’t get it, I understand why you don’t, only minds that are open and ready to receive will. Your negativity, hate, gossip/nosiness masquerading as care is obvious, I pray you get there one day. I pray God’s richest blessing over your lives…

The time has come!  Notice, I never asked for your permission, which means I don’t need your approval! I don’t expect you to understand, the process or how or why I was led. I’m on my way to free… join me as I/we journey2free.

Larissa

Unapologetic

8 Apr

I lost my innocence to a cousin on a bedroom floor, raped repeatedly for years by my grandmother’s husband and was touched inappropriately by an uncle all between the ages of 5 and 16.

For years I thought this was my plight, my ordeal was that of a personal, and isolated nature. I was awakened to his truth a short time later when, I witnessed this monster taking advantage of another family member, and I still believed this was just our tribulation, our cross to bear.

The catalyst for my speaking out began some six weeks ago, I sat down with a cousin in a candid conversation, and she confided in me, she told me a story which she had never before repeated. Ironically, (I thought why me, I even asked why, this was our first time speaking like this) though not shocking it was hard to swallow. It was one of those stories that you knew exactly where it was headed mid-way in the conversation, but you silently pray what you’re about to hear is not what you thought was about to be said. Well it was! That which I did not want to hear was indeed what I was told.

One of the perpetrators that had sexually abused me for years had violated yet another person. This compounded the guilt, the heartbreak of my past came crashing down, this, this, this thing! That seems like a winding roller coaster with no end in sight!

My cousin’s story was my trigger; I began re-living the whole damn nightmare again. Funny, the nightmares has never really left, not for a second! However learning about new victims evoked a reaction I can’t escape. The new information I received off-set a barrage of emotions. I had only few weeks beforehand learned the plight of another beloved relative.

It was clear that something had to be done and I was the one who had to do it, the responsibility was mine. I began experiencing this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Deep down I was angry that I had tried for many years to “out” this pervert; I tried to tell what he had been doing to me and had done to others. Each time I attempted to talk about it, I was asked by family members to be quiet.

Though I was out of the environment, I felt as if I had to comply, listen, I had to obey, though I didn’t want to, I had to carry the shame, I felt the need to remain true to my family and pretend along with everyone else. I felt like if I didn’t carry on with the charade, they would make me feel like an outcast “The Instigator.”

Our family pretended, the hypocrisy heightened with each family gathering, the tension grew with each tale of “the tight ass family unit!”

I’m sickened at the thought that while we remained tight lipped others were exposed to this trauma, yet we question why or society is all fucked up! Why our little girls and boys wander so far away from what we envisioned for them. We belittle them, degrade and bombard them with words and cliches and seemingly it’s all ok! They are viewed as bad, they are hopeless, a lost cause, insignificant, small, they are rude and disrespectful, they are sexually promiscuous, they don’t know what they want, and the never ending list goes on!

All the while if we had just stopped, listened, took notice, supported, protected, talked to, defended, instructed this could and would have played out differently! It’s time for victims to be victors and abusers brought to justice! It’s time we have a voice, and be unified in solutions! It’s time for us to be content and at peace and the tormentors tormented! Isn’t this the way it should be?

I can’t keep this charade up any longer! I feel compelled to write (right) a wrong! “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” (1st Corinthians 13 vs. 11) The time has come for me to grow some balls and stand up for the greater good.

My sincerest of apologies to the victims that were after me, I tried! I wish I could go back and undo history. I know the mental anguish, the emotional suffering.

It took me a minute to wake up! I’m shedding that skin, that old life; I’m grabbing fear by the balls and doing my part! I’m doing me!  To the others, please, find what works for you, if it’s speaking out and taking action… then do it!  I’m taking my self-respect back join me on my/our Journey2Free.

From my heart to yours

Larissa