Tag Archives: Me

Journey To Redemption

26 Apr

While rehearsing last night I broke down emotionally. During Act 1 something happen, not sure if it was the name calling, the intensity in which the lead actress delivered, the emotionally charged play or the flash back I had smack dab in the middle of my opening performance. Fact is, it happened. I felt the tears welling, I tried to fight it but, when I had to shout the words slut and whore directed at the lead actress ‘who’s playing a victim of child sexual abuse’ within that moment the flood gates open and the tears streamed down my face. I could feel it coming, one of those moments when I needed to be alone to feel, process and make sense of what was happening. I knew then no amount of reassurance from a cast I’m just getting to know was going to help me, I needed a moment to just bawl. I immediately walked off stage, found a corner back stage and I cried. Soon after the cast had finished rehearsing scene one and were slowly making their way back stage, I transformed into that girl that would never dare to make anyone see her cry but I couldn’t stop, the tears were streaming even faster now, my thoughts going a billion miles a minutes and memories came flooding.  I managed to pull myself together, walked dignifiedly to the nearest bathroom composed enough to check the stalls, realizing then there was no-one there but me so, I gave myself the needed permission to weep, though brief and I did just that.

I cried for a good four minutes,  again gathered myself together, walked back into the rehearsals and onto the stage. Thank God, I was with a group of individuals that have been rather supportive and understanding, so after a few hugs and reassurance I was ready again.

Scene 2 had me questioning myself, was it just a bit too soon to be doing this and why did I agree to play this part or any part for that matter in a play that’s so telling, so raw and so expressive?Well,  It seemed like a great idea at the time and a wonderful opportunity I thought to help my healing process (now, I’m not so sure), however, I made a commitment and I will by the grace of God make do on that commitment, get through my performance, the play and my speaking.

Today I experienced a wide array of emotions, this happens from time to time and is to be expected on this my Journey 2 Free.  I have come to terms with it I believe and acknowledge that on this journey to my freedom, I have to accept the good with the bad, the down right ugly and the sad and try to remain open to it all.  Let’s see what tomorrow brings, but for now, I’ll sit with the emotions I’m currently experiencing, for this too shall pass.

A Daughter’s Heart Break… Part 2

19 Apr
Horace-Rhone-1491567206

I LOVE YOU DADDY!

There’s been a knot in my chest since the 2nd of April 2017, I’ve had several nightmares since then. I am uneasy, I keep replaying calling you, begging for you to wake up dad, to grant me the opportunity to say a proper and final goodbye. I have shed countless tears in private as well as publicly, my go to (writing) doesn’t seem to help much. I was unable to read my tribute to you on Thursday and though Rick and Julie offered to read it, I just couldn’t, they were my final words to you and I wanted to say them. (I will soon) I write now with tears streaming down my face, still questioning, besides the fact that you are dad and I love you, why does your passing bother me so?! Your passing have unearthed all types of emotions and left me in a state of quandary!

Death has a way of forcing us to reflect, whether on unfulfilled desires, unattained dreams, unmet goals, there is nothing like the passing of a friend, an associate or loved one that propels us to put things into perspective and compels us to search our hearts, question our motives, reignite passions, release or let go off old grudges, and drives us to be more compassionate, considerate, forgiving, loving and kind etc. even if it’s just for a moment…

For me however, this is really not the case. Dads passing somehow made me revert, it’s unfathomable, somewhat irritating and renders me cheerless. I remain in a  somber/melancholy like mood. I feel like a five year old child!

I find myself pining away, needing to feel my dad’s arms around me and him telling me just how much he loves me, the irony is, I NEVER received that type of affection as a little girl! Hence my confusion, (something for the professionals to explain) I have spent each quiet moment, no matter how brief, searching the crevasse of my heart trying to find an explanation to the emptiness I feel. I am relieved that dad is no longer uncomfortable or in pain, I’m content that he is resting peacefully, but much to my consternation I’m left feeling shaken, bothered and extremely emotional. WHY?! I have questioned my current state of being many times, I have yet to sit in total serenity and surrender to this feeling, but I’m beginning to make sense of it.

Every little girl wishes to be daddy’s little angel, the apple of his eye, the one that causes him to see reason, to as much as force him to change his life. Every little girl yearns to feel protected, shielded by her 1st knight in amour, her father. A dad emboldens his daughter, teaches her values, reminding her of her worth and how special a gift she is to the earth. Every girl wants to know that there is one man whose love is impenetrable towards her and regardless of what happens she is loved unconditionally, I’m no different. I LOVED my dad, and I know he LOVED me, but, we butted heads. It took us both a long time to see and unfortunately this is apart of my uneasiness and my query,  I am not at all certain DAD was able to see me…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Women Supporting Women

5 Mar

A snippet of my talk with a group of beautiful women I was asked to address. This experience further opened my eyes to how many people are really hurting as a result of Child Sexual Abuse.  Please, let’s start talking. Another’s life may very well depend on it!  Join me as I/we journey2free.

AT THE END…

19 Jun

Rainbow


AT THE END

I Lived

I Loved

I Laughed

I Prayed

            I Felt Pain

               I Cried

                    I Hurt

                        I was Betrayed

                                     I made Friends

                                         I was a Friend

                                             I lost Friends

                                                 I had enemies

                                                              I was Brave

                                                                 I was Weak

                                                                     I was Strong

                                                                 I was Me!

                                                                                      I Hoped

                                                                                          I Prayed

                                                                                               I Believed

                                                                                                    I Dreamed

                                                                                                                    I Fought

                                                                                                                        I Persevered

                                                                                                                           I took  Chances

                                                                                                                              I Leaped

I DIED!!

 I Traveled

   I was Transformed

       I was Reborn!                                                          

                                     I Evolved  

                             I made a Difference 

                                            I made a Change   

                                                 I Forgave

                                                         I Laughed                      

                                                             I Loved

                                                                         I LIVED                   

                                                                   I PRAYED

                                             I WAS UNIQUELY ME!

 AT THE END

                                                                                                                                                                                                    By: Larissa Rhone