I am too frequently uneasy, restless, tormented, with a heavy heart, burdened down and bound! Easily angered, unable to be free, I’m dissatisfied. I’m beginning to resent me! I have cried and scream, scream and cried, hoping someone hears me! To no avail, I must save me!!
I’m in dire need of peace and serenity! My mind is continuously going; the voices need to be quiet. I’m not crazy! No! just in urgent need, to unleash, unwind, release. I’m carrying trauma’s handed down to me, guilt I own, and blame placed on me. I am harboring shame not meant for me. I have given enough, harbored too long, hid my truth while protecting others wrong! I am outspoken yet quiet for too long! The time is now the time has come.
I’m scared. I’m anxious! I’m embarking on a journey, that currently has my stomach in knots. I am genuinely afraid, but excited, did I mention afraid? Been often told I could and should write a book about my life, and in recent years, I’ve been encouraged to blog. I had the desire, the hankering, the eagerness, the impulse to do so, and I will, but fear!
Fear muted my abilities, attempted to restrict the voice within me. Ironically, I’ve wondered if some folks knew that they would be entwined or implicated in my story, would they have instructed me differently?
I knew I had to, and I needed to. It was of the utmost importance for me to do so! I have only been able to cope with the test, trials, and torment of my experiences, my life, and my journey through this method, yet I couldn’t bring myself to the actualization of publicizing my life.
I stumbled upon writing as a means to an end—a form of release, a coping mechanism.
My earliest memory of writing – I wrote when overwhelmed, I had to free myself of my thoughts. I needed to trust, but barely so consumed and enthralled by the hurt, the pains, the shame that I couldn’t bring myself to share, Why? Afraid! Afraid of being judged, scrutinized, not believed, I resorted to writing. I would record thoughts, jot down ideas, scribble wishes, desires, dreams. Express myself in whatever form I choose. I later realized and understood that I was journaling, my only haven. So here I go, just another format, same concept. I’m not ready, but then again, I will never be; therefore, I’m leaping!
My fifteen seconds of bravery is approaching, Journey to Free!!!, for on hitting the post button on my first entry, my process of development begins. My journey, Journey to Free, Journey of self-discovery, growth, and the evolution of me. Forced to conquer my fears,
I don’t intend to revamp or change what has already done. I don’t profess to know everything, and I may not have the correct verbiage to express or expand on all topics.
I am not an English major. I don’t even remember where to place all my commas, periods, colon, semicolons, and the works. I am not here to demonize, sow discord or cause distress. I refrain from writing when angry or upset even though there is much to be bitter about, for it may impede my ability to be subjective, transparent, honest, precise, or objective. I need my thoughts and words to be free of judgment, disdain, hatred, and assumptions. Even more, I pray that they will be.
I intend to speak from a place of hope, love, encouragement, and inspiration. I strive to be authentic and real to me. The truth is, this is my healing, the beginning of my release, my letting go, my forgiveness of self and others. Blogging is my therapy!
I will not apologize for telling my story. I can only pray that I encourage and inspire others to find the strength, the courage, endurance, and voice of reason, of hope, of change, sooner than later.
I write to repair, preserve my sanity, and stop a vicious cycle of self-hatred, sabotage, and disdain. I write to save and heal me, not to demolish, or cause anguish to anyone, too long have I deflected. As I embark on this journey, join me if you please,
I am putting myself out there, in my attempt to save me! Larissa H. Rhone! Opening up myself to critique, criticism and scrutiny. But here I go, on my Journey to Free!… God, help me! Join me as I/we journey to free.
From my heart to yours,