I am too frequently uneasy, restless, tormented, with a heavy heart, burdened down and bound! I am easily angered, unable to be free… I’m dissatisfied … I’m beginning to resent me! I have cried and scream, scream and cried, hoping someone hears me! To no avail, I must save me!! I’m in dire need of peace and serenity! My mind is constantly going, the voices needs to be quieted, I’m not crazy! No! just in urgent need to unleash, unwind, release. I’m carrying burdens that were handed to me, guilt I owned and that was placed on me, shame that is not meant for me… I have carried enough, harbored too long, hidden my truth, protecting others wrong! I’m outspoken yet I have been quieted for too long! The time has come.
I’m scared, I’m anxious! I’m embarking on a journey, that currently have my stomach in knots. I am genuinely afraid, but excited, did I mention afraid? I was often told I could and should write a book about my life,and in recent years, I’ve been encourage to blog. I have had the desire, the hankering, the eagerness, the impulse to do so, and I will, but fear! Fear muted my abilities, attempted to restrict the voice within me. Ironically, I’ve wondered if some folks knew that they would be entwined or implicated in my story, would they have instructed me differently?
I knew I had to, I needed to, in fact it was of the out-most importance for me to do so! I have only been able to cope with the test, trials, and torment, of my experiences, my life and journey through this method, yet I couldn’t bring myself to the actualization of publicizing my life. I stumbled upon writing, as a means to an end. A form of release, a coping mechanism. My earliest memory of writing – I wrote when overwhelmed, I had to free myself of my thoughts. I needed to trust, but barely so consumed and enthralled by the hurt, the pains, the shame that I couldn’t bring myself to share, Why? Afraid! afraid of being, judged, scrutinized, not believed, I resorted to writing. I would record thoughts, jot down ideas, scribble wishes, desires, dreams. Express myself in whatever form I choose. I later realized and understood that I was journaling, my only safe haven. So here I go, just another format, same concept. I’m not ready, but then again I will never be, therefore I’m leaping!
My fifteen seconds of bravery is approaching, Journey to Free!!!, for on hitting the post button on my first entry my process of evolution begins. My journey, Journey to Free, Journey of self discovery, growth and the evolution of me. … I will be forced to conquer my fear.
I don’t intend on revamping or changing what has already been done. I don’t profess to know everything, I may not have the correct verbiage to express or expand on all topics. I am not an English major, don’t even remember where to place all my coma’s, periods, colon, semi colons and the works…. I am not here to demonize, sow discord or cause distress, I refrain from writing when angry or upset, though there is much to be bitter about, for it may impede my being able to be subjective, clear, honest precise or objective. I need my thoughts and words to be free of judgment, disdain, hatred and assumptions. Even more, I pray that they will be.
My intent is to speak from a place of hope, love, encouragement, and inspiration. I strive to be authentic, true to me. Point is, this is my healing, the beginning of my release, my letting go, my forgiveness of self and others, my therapy! I will not apologize for telling my story, I can only pray that I encourage and inspire others to find the strength,the courage, fortitude and their voice of reason, of hope, of change, sooner than later.
I write to repair, to reserve my sanity, writing to stop a vicious cycle of self-hatred, sabotage and disdain. I write to save and to heal Me… not to demolish, or cause anguish to anyone, too long have I deflected.
As I embark on this journey, join me if you please,
I am putting myself out there, in my attempt to save me! Larissa H. Rhone! Opening up myself to critique, criticism and scrutiny… but here I go, on my Journey to Free!!… God help me!
From my heart to yours