The threats are reeling in. The vile and insensitive remarks are endless, the accusations, and assumptions are piling on and the questions are many! I have gone and done the unthinkable, the inexcusable, and the unforgivable. I spoke and am speaking my truth! I promised myself I would refrain from writing angry but recent occurrences cause me to want to vent a little.
I decided to take this journey, knowing I was raised in a culture, where silence on sexual abuse is the norm, I decided to break the mold, to break the silence that has been cultivated under the guise of “Family Unity and Strength”. I wanted to make a difference and no-one was going to suffocate my truth, I tried for years to keep this story hidden, I was afraid, the fear of being despised, fear of exposure, and the risk of telling another’s story who may not what their story to be told. Fear…no one wants to read, see, and hear what I have to say, the repercussion which may follow suit… Contrary to all this, my new revelations, my drive/guilt, and the overwhelming responsibility I feel to help, far outweighs my fear!
It’s hard to explain the impact sexual abuse has on everyone involved, it destroys entire families if you allow it. Lately, there seems to be a constant barrage of instructions from family members regarding how I should think, act, approach, and the steps I should take to ensure that this does not reflect poorly on them even though the abuse I endured was not their doing.
I have been receiving different threats! In the past few weeks I have been called names, threatened several times, to the point where I had to call the police. I have been called a liar, a whore, a harlot, a low life, and attention-seeking bitch, told they wish they could stone all of those who claim they were sexually assaulted…just to name a few. (This from some family members) some of this was to be expected, but, I cannot speak my truth and keep a secret!
I do wonder the mindset of a few, one relative stated “I don’t know when talking about sexual abuse became a degree to be proud of, you are attention seekers”. As I reflect on some of the statements made, I cannot help but wonder…what kind of attention would any logical, sane thinking person gain from claiming to have had such a traumatic experience?
It has always been my belief as a child growing up that if I had spoken out my family would not have believed me. I always felt that if I told it would have created an uproar. Ironically, from the public display of anger, ignorance, and insensitive comments from some of my family members, I was so right! Relatives have personalized the issue, offer to stone me to death, beat me to a pulp, besides many do not believe. Relatives have behaved as if the abuser’s actions are their shame to bear. I hear how this should have been handled, what they would have done, worst, what action they would have taken had they known, or had they been the victim…
I say to all who aren’t clear how to react to this issue, (if you haven’t lived it, was threatened, experienced the fear, had siblings to protect, betrayed by those who should have protected you, experienced the shame and self-loathing, the psychological, and psychosocial horrors, the emotional distress, the resentment, the anger, the hatred and all the barrage of fear and emotions that I and other victims have experienced…Please if you don’t have positive things to say… Please keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself.
My fellow victims/survivors of sexual abuse, while I advocate on your behalf until you find your voice to speak out, acknowledge, own and accept your truth, I must as the precursor tell you; it’s not an easy undertaking to speak your truth!!! “No one has the power to hurt you like your kin,” according to India Arie It’s no easy feat, to speak your truth and not be deterred by the limited thinking of others.
I will not be forced or threatened into submission… I will not be coerced or manipulated, I will not be deterred…I did that for too long, try again! But, know that while you continue your ignorance, and display your true colors, you may be hindering another from speaking their truth, maybe your own. I thank you however, for granting me the fuel I needed, saving me the time it would take to figure out who is for and against me and the empowerment of young girls and boys against this atrocity of sexual violation.
I laugh, because I knew some of the naysayers would not have the intellectual capacity to comprehend the scope of this issue. I, however, have had a few jaw-dropping moments, when those I had admired and respected for years were the ones who made the most ludicrous remarks, e.g. “your so-called abuse and we/I are seeking attention, you wanted it, you liked it that’s why you didn’t tell anyone.” Some even asked for proof that I was sexually molested by this monster. The irony of the truth seeker’s request is that when the monster was confronted in my home she was present. He admitted that he had sexually abused me and further added to his confession in her presence.
“Mi tek care a dunno, mi nevva breed unoo, nor buss unno up.” Translation (I took care of you all, you are lucky I didn’t impregnate any of you or tore your vaginal walls.) She was present at this confession, yet seeks proof. Lol!
Children in the family were bold enough to voice their lopsided opinions about this issue because grown folks refused to speak the truth and take responsibility for their actions or the lack thereof.
To the victims that have reached out to me, as I encourage you to release yourself from the shame and the blame you carry, reclaim that which was taken from you and rise to meet the freedom that is calling. Be prepared for the hell that will be unleashed on you by your family when you are ready. Many will leave you standing alone because they do not understand that this journey must be taken for you to be free, they are still under the impression that this can be handled in secret, in silence, within the family, because it is the family’s shame. I have no shame; the perpetrator is the monster, not the family members. Take solace in knowing you have support, both mine and that of my family members who are supporting me in this process. You are not your past and what has been done to you does not by any means define you, you too will have the relatives, and friends, cynics and critics. Truth be told, what can they do or say that has not already been said or done?
To the insensitive jerks who have felt the need to minimize the issue of child sex abuse, please know this… THIS IS MY STORY; I lived it and continue to live with the remnants of the actions of all my abusers. Make a mental note, you will NOT stop me, your plots and threats that you continue to make to shut me up will not succeed. Only death can derail this truth therefore be prepared to kill, hurt, and harm the constantly growing number of sexual abuse survivors who are empowered and are rising against the monsters. Know that God didn’t bring me this far to succumb to scum! The silence is over!!!
To the family members who are angry with me for putting an end to the silence, I urge you to reflect on why my speaking my truth bothers you. Upon close reflection, I am appreciative of the outburst from some of you. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but this stance that I have taken has ZERO to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with me speaking up and out for myself!
Some have paraded a barrage of stepmothers and fathers in and out of the lives of your children over the years, I beg you to have a conversation with them and pray they are not afraid to speak up if someone has hurt them. My aim, my intent was not and is not to taint or tarnish, but to speak my truth and in so doing give others who are silently suffering the courage to be brave. I’m hoping they will know they can rise above it all.
Sit there and stew…selfishly get upset, fuss, argue, talk about me all you want, conspire, and conclude… You can not and WILL NOT stop my progress. This is so much bigger than your ignorance can perceive. My only fear in this life is GOD; he alone can stop me, so give it your best shot… I have survived and I will rise, because He has and continues to sustain me.
Continue questioning my motives, you don’t get it, I understand why you don’t, only minds that are open and ready to receive will. Your negativity, hate, gossip/nosiness masquerading as care is obvious, I pray you get there one day. I pray God’s richest blessing over your lives…
The time has come! Notice, I never asked for your permission, which means I don’t need your approval! I don’t expect you to understand, the process or how or why I was led. I’m on my way to free… join me as I/we journey2free.
Larissa
Remember “no weapons formed against u shall prosper.”
I need to put that up and repeat it every day as a mantra! Thanks for the reminder and the support.
Speak the truth and speak it ever, Cost it what it will.
I have to applaud the way you have spoken/written out inorder to defend yourself, not that you should have to but proud of you nonetheless for sticking to your truth!!
I must admit, I threw up in my mouth a little when I read paragraphs 9+10. How/Why could/would someone/anyone, think like that?? It jst does not make sense!!
A child enjoying rape!! Keeping to themselves because they secretly like it!! What kind of twisted individual thinks like that?? How was the heartless bastard that stood before you admitting his crime, allowed to walk free??
Why are you the Bitch and the Whore??
What the ‘****’ is wrong with people??
I know I keep saying it but it’s because I want to reinforce it… You are brave and strong. You have overcome the worst which means that the best is yet to come!!
Your latter will be greater.
I love you Cuz xx
Love you too…It get’s worst, and I must admit it bothers you a bit but, I know I must shake it off…With the help and grace of God, I will walk proudly in what he has in store for me. Thank you so much for the love and support.
I am appalled at the responses you have received from some of your family, but I am happy that you have the support and the love of other family members. They who are with you will help you dethrone the monsters in your closet. I love that you have the strength to speak openly about the responses of the family, that says that you are definitely not afraid anymore. Your story will help many others get the strength they need to move forward. You are a brilliant, intelligent, strong woman and I am proud of you for having this courage. I’m sure there are days when you don’t want to go on this journey…but you continue on, you continue to shine and take the bull by the horn. Yes Larissa, you have indeed arrived…you are finding you! Bless up!
Oh, you have no idea! Some days you want to just curl up and cry, you want to refrain from speaking out, but I have to remind myself this is not just about me! Thank you so much! I have to thank my support team and God. On my way, and finding my voice. Truth, I am afraid, but fear will not stop me this time. Thank a bunch for you support!
The time is now hold your stance, and for those who chastised you let them continue….if they were the ones going through the mental anguish and bear that shame knowing that someone had done this and they defend this predictor need to be blamed just the same as the perpitrator…continue the beautiful work never be silenced….JourneyFree.
Thank you kindly! Thank you for the support. Your words means so much. I will continue my journey, thanks again.
The time is now hold your stance, and for those who chastised you let them continue….if they were the ones going through the mental anguish and bear that shame knowing that someone had done this and they defend this predictor need to be blamed just the same as the perpitrator…continue the beautiful work never be silenced….JourneyFree.
Thank you… I really appreciate the support!
As I faithfully read your posts every week. I become more and more proud of you. Proud because your learning not to be that scared little girl anymore and realizing that telling your story will begin the process of. Proud because with all this negativity you’re receiving(threats and rude commnets) you still push through. You are an inspiration. I know it’s hard but I ask whenever you want to give up or even if the thought crosses your mind that you remember the other victims and continue to push for them. This road won’t be easy but I know you have this indescrible stregth that you always find from some where and it always keeps you going. Don’t let “family members” bring you down. Its not your fault that they are illiterate and are unable to understand the magnitude of this issue. Dem neva bless in dat department unlike you. You have been through so much so please continue this process of healing. It will get better I promise. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel now but trust me it’s there. By God’s grace you’ll be fine. I pray that he continues to walk with you on your journey. I pray that he covers you and that little prince of yours with his blood and protect you both from harm and danger. Love you girlie #journey2free #teamrissy
Wow! Trying to make me cry I see.. I’m touched deeply by your words. Thank you so much! The thought have crossed my mind, to quit, but I have to remember the victims, both known and those sending me messages. My heart is breaking! Thank you so much! Your support is inspiring! Much much love…#teamrizzy# lol
*process of healing
As you start doing the right things, more people will push you to do wrong. It is at that point that you smile and realize you’re doing good. Had this been the easy and safe route, no one would care to chastise you. My dearest family, I love you and I am proud of your bravery. Shout it loud until you feel you’re free. I’ll listen.
Oh my dear, thank you! I really do appreciate the support. You are right on the ball with that one, I refuse to be quieted…Cheers to the bigger picture! Thank you!