I AM NOT MY MOTHER! Part1

10 Jun

“Your mother gives you your identity as a woman” (Iyanla Vanzant) hmm-mm I don’t know…Is this really true? I will be able to agree or disagree at the end of my release. I have been rather hesitant to write this post, and the others that will follow, I agonized over the wording, what should I reveal and what to hold back until further notice. What will be considered offensive, how will this be perceived? Will my actions be understood? The reason this particular post proves challenging is because it’s solely about my first relationship, my first role model, my first love, my first heart-break, my first betrayal; this post is about my Mother! I LOVE my mother yet for years I battled with various emotions, how could this woman who I adore cause me so much pain! I RESENTED this woman, in equal terms, with mixed emotions, one part loving the other part resenting! But I knew underneath it all… unconditional love was always looming.

I watched and listened over the past few weeks her responses to my choices, her attitude fluctuating as she’s not sure what, and how to feel, when or how to speak, or how to act or at times verbally approach this situation of me publicly speaking about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I watched her as she rode her waves of emotions, not knowing at times if she wanted to support or condemn me. I listened and observed as she tried to accept and find her footing when she realized there was no stopping me.  My mother as usual laid wait, waiting for others to react, to know how to feel it seems.  The support from her didn’t come until she saw the support of others rolling my way. It seems she found the courage to follow suit though apprehensive.

Little did my dearest mother know, this, my speaking out, my taking action was happening with or without her approval, because I was tired and I was about to blow.  I have tried for many years to be respectful of her, holding in my true feelings toward her, taking into account she has been through so much, and I didn’t want to hurt her any more than she had already been hurt. Throughout this time I have been annoyed and irritated with her child like cowardly behavior over the years, and I have held her responsible first and foremost for the deepest parts of my hurt and the pain that I carry. I never felt protected, I never felt important, I never felt like a priority, she made me feel like an obligation she had to fulfill, the deepest and hardest part of my test, and the times I needed her to stand with me and weather this storm she bailed, she succumbed, she reverted, she acted like a weak and puny, coward child, giving in to everyone’s demands but mine, standing and siding with everyone but me…

Not having my mother’s support over the years killed me over and over inside, with each dismissal of my pain I was made to relive, to retell, to revisit old hurt, I felt trapped, I felt suffocated, and the more she and others asked me to suppress the torture I had to endure, the more I started to resemble my weak and feeble mom…I knew it was happening and I hated the thought of becoming the spineless coward people pleasing person that my mother was or had become. Little did I know…The story was yet to unfold!

I knew that once I started making the abuse public, it would be hard for her as it is ridiculously hard for me, however it’s all a part of my healing and I must heal completely not just a fraction. I must come to terms, accept and release it all en root to my end result, my ultimate goal of healing and forgiveness.

My relationship with my mother has been one filled with many highs and lows, smooth sailing and turbulent, our relationship mimic that of many mothers and daughters, our disagreements and butting heads were many, as with ever parent and child we had our occasional blow up and blow outs. We fought but our fights though at times tense our fights were considered mild-mannered compared to some of my peers. My mother and I somehow managed to remain respectful and dignified… I believe like her I fought hard but with caution, trying to refrain from saying what we truly felt and what probably needed to be said. Throughout the years though it was extremely hard at times for me because even though I loved and respected my mother so much our relationship was strained. I thought and still do think the world of my mom, for the most part “but” there was that side, the side where my love never wavered but my respect did. I had my moments of being extremely happy that she was and is my mom, yet at times I found myself torn between love and deep-seated resentment!

“I am not my mother!” The first time I uttered those words I was seventeen years old, and after a major fight with one of my aunts I recall her (my aunt) explaining her dismay, total surprise/disbelief that I reacted, (fighting back after she punched me in the head) according to her  because I fought back, I had no manners or respect. She stated that had my mom, her elder sister hit her she would not have fought or hit back…I was livid, I had done nothing wrong to warrant the abuse, so while she tried to accept the reality I had had enough of her and fought back, and she was ever so correct I had NO respect for her NONE but… (Another post).  I was steaming over the fact she compared me to my mom! That was my first time saying it out loud “I am not my mother!” but had not been the last time, in fact it resonated over the years… I refused to be my mother, I am not my mother and will never be my mother I would tell myself and repeat these five little words time and time again. I thought my belief,  I thought my refusal to pattern my mom’s ways were as a result of her demonstration of self throughout her relationship with my dad and while this held true, it was not my only reason.

Imagine my surprise when in my adult years I finally realized that the way I felt about my mom was a combination of things. I knew I didn’t want to be her because she didn’t protect me as a child, in addition to how she reacted to my dad’s ill-treatment. I resented my mother, and I resented her deeply. It’s something I have battled for years, and yes, while I had my moments I realized I loved this woman tremendously but for the most part I didn’t like her! I did not like my mother! How and why you wonder? Well at five years old the first time my grandmother’s husband stuck his slimy nasty disgusting tongue down my throat and fondled me to the point he ejaculated from the pleasure he received. The moment I returned to safety the first person I told was my mom. What happened next was not expected even my five-year old brain knew something was off…My mother, yes my ‘mom’ proceeded to pull my underwear down, check me to see if he had penetrated, pull my undies back up and uttered the words “do not tell your father, do not tell anyone!” I was too young then to comprehend the profound impact and the magnitude and/or toll that this decision would have on my life in the years that followed. I had my first experience of extreme betrayal then, from the person I loved and idolized the most. My first lesson was that this man, her mother and others were more important than I was. The five-year old me needed my mommy to show up and out for me. This was the beginning of a steady decline in our relationship as I would come to realize my mom placed the feelings of others first, her feelings as well as my own we were second in command. The saga continues…

Releasing old hurts, relinquishing resentments, dismissing old beliefs, surrendering to healing and  journeying to free… Join me as I/we Journey2Free

 

From my heart to yours

 

Larissa


 

17 Responses to “I AM NOT MY MOTHER! Part1”

  1. Anonymous June 11, 2013 at 1:12 AM #

    Suck powerful word’s. Keep up the beautiful work.

    • Journey2Free June 11, 2013 at 5:36 AM #

      Thank you kindly. I’m attempting to do that, It’s been a difficult journey, but I will persevere. Thanks again.

  2. Overjoyed June 11, 2013 at 9:48 AM #

    The love I feel for your mother is deep. I look at her as my own mother. But I always have said to you and her, I wish she would stand up for herself more. Especially with how her husband and asshole boss treated her. Even though she’s never said it, I believe she might have the same resentment you feel for her, towards her own mother, who also didn’t protect her. And probably told her the same thing she told you.

    As always, well written and deeply heartfelt.

    • Journey2Free June 12, 2013 at 6:52 PM #

      I am certain that she has resented if not still does resent her mother at times. You know just how much I love my mom, it just kills me when she’s mistreated, and that’s the whole point. I want so badly for her to tell not just my dad, her bosses and a couple other people to back the hell up!

    • Journey2Free June 12, 2013 at 7:15 PM #

      Thank you!

  3. Anonymous June 11, 2013 at 10:52 AM #

    To this mother…if you are alive and following your daughter, I hope you truly understand what your baby girl is trying to tell you. This couldn’t have been easy for her to write. There is a lot of hurt here, I see hurt not anger, I see a child reaching out for love she felt was denied to her. Mom wherever you are it is my hope that you will not be angry but will seek her forgiveness and get some counseling so you can join her on her healing journey. You both need to heal, the past is the past, allow yourself to accept your role in her pain, seek forgiveness from your children and strengthen your self confidence. I wish your family all the best and a world of healing. Stay strong little bird and keep flying to freedom. It’s on the way I can feel it coming from following your posts.

    • Journey2Free June 12, 2013 at 7:21 PM #

      This was indeed hard, one of the hardest so far! It is my most frequent and sincerest prayer, that my mom will get to happy. I pray for her to join me on this journey as well, just not sure if she’s ready. I patiently await the day for us to be able to put this all behind us and get to the place I have envisioned. Thank you so much for the support. Much appreciated. Ris

  4. Ingrid Nugent June 11, 2013 at 2:50 PM #

    This is a powerful read, it takes a lot of courage to speak so candidly about relationships with parents. I understand where you are coming from however I would hope that you and your mom would have a sit down and discuss these issues. I strongly believe that there is nothing that hard work, good communication and prayer cannot change for the better. I hear you but I also feel for your mom as well, we are not all created in the same way, what you see as a weakness to her may seem like a strength, she has the ability to put others first instead of herself can be a strength, she has the ability to walk away from conflicts and confrontations can also be a strength. We all have areas of opportunities and I hope with this information she too can learn something, build a greater bond with you and your sister, and in so doing have a better relationship with her children. I hope you both grow from this journey that you have embarked on.

    • Journey2Free June 12, 2013 at 7:46 PM #

      I agree with you completely about the strength/weakness however, my mom has always allowed others especially the opposite sex to ill-treat her and it’s not just her walking away from conflict because she hurts and she cries! She seldom defend herself! Oh believe me she is strong! I’m disheartened at the fact she accepted so much abuse and didn’t speak out against things she knew was wrong and that caused her pain. I pray she joins me, believe me I see the remnants of all the hurt she still harbors. I’m putting in the work, been praying, the communication bit is a stretch as my trying to speak about the issues have always ended in a less than understanding or pleasing manner. Thank you much for your insight.

  5. RhoneBusRider June 11, 2013 at 6:57 PM #

    I suspect your mother did not want you to tell your dad because she feared that somebody would die. People use to say don’t mess with the kids at the front of the bus because the drive will pull him gun to protect with him family.

    • Journey2Free June 12, 2013 at 7:15 PM #

      Lol…While that’s true, There where other reasons she didn’t say. I made reference to it in the previous post. You are right however, I do believe he would have used that gun! Thank you for your feedback. Much love…

  6. I AM THAT MOTHER June 13, 2013 at 12:06 AM #

    I have read all the comments, and to Anonymous, yes i am very much alive and following my daughter. Let me point out that i do understand her pain, and accept the role that i played in her pain. I do not believe any well thinking parent set out to willfully cause pain to their child/children. Please understand that what i am about to say is not intended to justify my actions, i need you all to understand that i did what i thought was best at the time. I too was abused by this monster and was threatened that if i spoke he would kill my mother. I choose to suffer for the life of my mother. My first time ever mentioning my abuse was to her father with the hope that i would somehow get some sort of support and understanding. Well it turned out to be a dagger in my skin as it was a constant reminder that he (her father) was not my husband but that monster was. When my daughter told me what happened to her it took me right back to my childhood experiences. Thoughts of her being told by her dad that he (abuser) was her husband along with the thought of what would happen to my mother clouded my judgement and i did what i thought was best for everyone. Looking back i must admit that while i choose to protect my mother with my life my daughter should not have to do the same. I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive me and get to that place of healing so that i can have the relationship i yearn to have with her..

    • Anonymous June 14, 2013 at 9:01 AM #

      This post brought me to tears, I see the emotional struggle of both this mom and daughter. Both of you are an inspiration to others seeking healing, mom your response is really not justification for what happened, I see that you too have had a lot of pain and a huge burden carrying around…I hope you both confront the demon who stole your lives and take back that which was taken from you. Good luck ladies.

      • Journey2Free June 19, 2013 at 1:03 PM #

        Thank you so much! I eagerly await the chance to stand before this man again and tell him what I/we all truly think and feel for him. It’s been a tumultuous road, one that we are still trotting. Thank you for the support, it means a great deal…Thank you!

    • Journey2Free June 19, 2013 at 12:57 PM #

      Wow! I am shocked, proud and nervous all together! I am in shock that you actually wrote, said and admitted, putting this out. I am proud that you have the courage and strength to speak finally and I am nervous for both of us, as work on reclaiming and building a proper relationship. I love you, thank you and I am so proud of you!

  7. kmell June 21, 2013 at 3:21 AM #

    I know this was extremely difficult to write but u are strong and full of courage. God is helping u through ur journey

    • Journey2Free June 23, 2013 at 9:02 AM #

      Thank you. It was intense! I have to release it all, as I patiently await free. Thanks again.

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