My First Born… I prayed…

         OH I PRAYED FOR YOU! 
At a point where I was lost and loosing hope, I prayed for you, I needed an anchor, something secure to hold on to, unbeknownst to many, preparing mentally to bid the world adieu but God knowing my thoughts, foreseeing intent granted my hearts desire, He gave me you. Hope was restored, faith was renewed but truth is my darling, I’m afraid I don’t have what it takes to be a mother to you!

I am broken, I’m defective, I’m scared and oh so scattered, You, You are beautiful, you’re sweet, you’d remain perfect if my loving you was all that mattered. Undefiled, brilliant, you’re curious and loves unsparingly no bars hold, but mommy worries that fear and residual pain is the mold conflicting her mind, body and soul. You are kind, well intentioned and equipped with a gentle heart and I your mother who’s life was fragmented bears battle scars and deep seated wounds of woes I could not have prevented. I stay in constant prayer for you, praying my crazy doesn’t rub off on you. Oh, my sweet baby, my darling child, you’re simply one of a kind, possessing a forgiving and caring mind. A mind that deserve to be nurtured, developed, set ablaze severing the cords of dysfunction with which I was raised. 

Jhayden-Ateir I ask your forgiveness early, I humbly request that you be patient with your mommy. I’m sometimes moody, often impatient and at times act less than kind but baby I promise it has nothing to do with you, I was defected and short fused from a child. My dysfunction spans generation and I’ll be damned if it’s passed on, so son, though young, I promise I’ll make it better for me, for you and your baby brother. You both forced me to challenge self now we, the older and younger me stands at the junction, in an attempt to rid ourselves of the internalized destruction attained from a childhood robbed, but now defiantly seeks to create a shift and make your voices the voice of a more informed and empowered generation.

 Jhayden, my promise is guaranteed, I’ll fight always to be the best version of me and time, only time will tell baby if I succeed. Jhayden I am truly afraid, frankly I am shit scared, don’t want you resenting your mother for being flawed, imperfect, blemished or impaired. I promise my child, I am willing to put in the work of fixing me, I promise I’ll remain honest as possible, as honest as can be, refusing to pass on jaded fallacies. Again, I ask my darling boy, please be patient with me, rest assured mommy loves you beyond explanation this is true, and I am ever so grateful to God for meeting you. 

Thank you my child for the lessons you teach, lessons far beyond what I could have foreknown or even foreseen. My baby, my inspiration, one half of a miracle, my saving grace, I speak the blessings of God over you, trusting His spirit of excellence indwells you and His goodness continuously reflects on your face. God, all this and more before You I bare, desperately seeking to relinquish ALL my fears and with that assured confidence declare sincerely I love you JHAYDEN -ATEIR! 

HAPPY 7th BIRTHDAY my prince!! I promise to love you for all eternity baby… We’ll be ok!

About Journey2Free

My name is Larissa Rhone. I was sexually abused for years as a child. I decided on going public with my story in hopes of inspiring and empowering others to speak about there ordeals in hopes of helping others. This space serves as a platform, I'm on my way, my Journey to Self-Discovery, Acknowledgement, Acceptance, Personal Growth, and Personal Freedom, ultimately my Growth and Healing. J2F gives an account of sexual abuse, my living with a chronic illness, betrayal, lessons learned, childhood traumas, survival etc... My past, my present, the future me, my shedding the veil of anger and mistrust and anxiously stepping into the Me, God intended for me to be. Join me as I/we Journey2Free! From my heart to yours..

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