2018 – The year of challenges! When you’ve spent what seems like a lifetime in a dismal place, caged mentally, pulling yourself free can be difficult and frightening, but of the utmost importance for survival.
When the things you’ve prayed for starts falling into place, the feeling is euphoric, as if stars are aligning and all is well, BUT, life have a funny way of throwing monkey wrenches in your happy places, better stated, I have proven wherever there’s a shower of blessings, expect the enemy of our souls to bombard you with a series of test and trials. 2018 was a year of highs, lows, test, trials and lessons. Boy, was my faith tested!
This year was not void of teaching moments, instances of growth and substantial lessons. I was stretched, I was strained, I was tested and challenged on all fronts, spiritually, mentally, emotionally financially and physically. My youngest and I had a few health scares, he had one too many ER visits to count, and his momma (me) had more hospitalizations than in recent years. To watch my baby fighting for his life, and be helpless, is emotionally draining and crippling! There were moments I was embolden, and moments that knocked me clear to my knees, but through it all, God kept me!
I was often afraid, often questioning myself “can you do this?!” or “what are you going to do?!” I put on a brave front, but things were starting to take a toll. It seemed I was constantly juggling, trying to be a good parent while dealing with my inner turmoils. I was planning, coordinating, facilitating, all while being an emotional support to a few sisters both young and old, struggling to find meaning and purpose after child sexual abuse. I became overwhelmed. Fear took hold on so many occasions, wrestling with me every chance it got. I traded one fear for another, but through it all, God kept me!
There were some major accomplishments as well, the Journey2Free Awakened Retreat being one of the many highlights. I had a few significant speaking engagements, met some rather influential people, was recognized and awarded for works done, I (defied the odds) and celebrated my fortieth birthday, amongst other things, all of which I’m extremely grateful for. It seemed however, with every accomplishment, a test followed.
My last stint in the hospital was mentally, emotionally and physically draining. I was being hit in the most vulnerable of places. My inner man, my personal life and most significantly my faith were being tested. I lost confidence in myself, my abilities and even my mission. As if that wasn’t enough, I lost a beloved friend, that served as the catalyst that sent me into a spiral. I was slowly slipping back into that dark abyss. I began doing things I hadn’t done in years, but through it all, God kept me!
The great thing about having others depend on you, is that it motivates you to keep pushing. Dependency also engenders accountability. I couldn’t allow myself to slip too far. Somewhere in my state of quandary, I was reminded of Luke 12:48 which reads – “to whom much is given, much is required” – hmmmm… AND, God, never gives us more than we can bare. I had to dig deep, humbly fall on my face before my maker. I had to reconnect to the source and, though it all, God kept me!
2019 – Let’s see what’s in store…