I faltered by the way, but that’s okay! I am giving myself permission to start again!
I haven’t written a blog post in months. I justified my actions by convincing myself that life, the demands of motherhood and the various projects I took on got in the way. Truth is, though life and work were contributing factors to my not writing, there were some deep-seated reasons for my withdrawal. I was being pulled back to a familiar place, a place of fear, a place of inconsistency, a place of second guessing and uncertainty.
One of the MANY ways being sexually abused as a child affects me, and still challenges me today, even after much acknowledgement, acceptance, ‘self work’ and growth, my self esteem was impaired. I still fear not being good enough, sometimes feeling like a phony, not deserving of freedom or success, I struggle with trusting my own intuition at times and often question, “is total and complete healing even possible?”
The beauty of journeying to mental freedom is knowing and accepting the fact, I can break free of mental bondage if, I willingly and intentionally work at it. I feel, and I allow myself to sit with what I’m feeling, and can now recognize when I’m off, and its time to release and start a fresh. It’s a new year and though I made no reservations, I have decided to wipe the slate clean and begin again. I am starting over, for now I know there are no limits or caps on how many times I get to reset.
On this journey, my journey to freedom, I have accepted that 36 years of self doubt, self loathing, low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy etc, will not be reversed or countered in just a few years. I have accepted that healing/freedom, may take just about the same amount of years to undo the far-reaching damages that fear, shame, quilt and silence created, and that’s okay. I am willing to do the work. I am aware, have acknowledged and is determined to be whole.
Journey with me as I/we journey 2 free, from my heart to yours. With love, Larissa.
Happy New Year!!