47 and Finally Free: The Year I Stopped Living for Everyone Else

Dear Defiant Disruptor,

I wondered if it made sense to make a post this late. The month’s nearly over, the schedule’s full, and I thought, maybe it’s too late.

But then I remembered: healing isn’t about perfect timing. It’s about showing up when you can, with what you have.

So here I am, showing up.

47 and Defiant

This month is my birth month. I celebrated my 47th birthday on October 12th, and it was an emotional roller coaster.

I housed hope, gratitude, and fears all in this body.

My gratitude meter accelerated as I reflected on the fact that I have reached and am now in my 47th year of life. God did that. I surpassed all the man-made proposed extinction dates. All the times doctors said, “There’s nothing more we can do.” All the crises that should have taken me out.

I both laughed and cried. I worshipped and lamented. I felt joy and worry.

The fact is, I made it. And I’m grateful.

Yet part of my grief is the years I lost to worry, fear, people-pleasing, and neglecting my own desires.

The Hot Girl Era I Never Got

I woke up on the 12th with this overwhelming feeling - a realization and a belief: I was robbed of my hot-girl era.

You know the one - where you don’t give a damn, do what you want when you want, go where you want, wear what you want, say what you need to say, and don’t give a hoot as to who’s looking, how anyone else feels, or how it impacts “them.”

I reflected on how much I had allowed:

• Silence to protect others

• The “good girl” image to define me

• Pleasing my parents at the expense of myself

• Enduring the discomfort of relatives

• Prioritizing survival over living

I was robbed.

But as I reflected more intently, I had to face some hard truths.

Yes, trauma shaped me. Yes, survival architecture created some negative responses - indecisiveness, overthinking, people-pleasing, constantly wondering “what will others think?”

But here’s what I also had to acknowledge: some of these very responses kept me safe.

Living with a chronic illness humbled me. People-pleasing and contemplating what others would think - especially my mom - kept me from ignorantly responding to some of life’s character tests in ways that could have had severe consequences for my health.

Still, there’s a difference between wisdom and bondage.

Breaking Generational Patterns

Here’s what hit me hard: My father passed in 2017, and to my amazement, my inner child was still behaving as if I needed to please him.

My grandmother passed away last year, and I was still behaving as if something I do or say would cause her discomfort, which would then disrupt my mother’s peace, thus making her sad. My 5-year-old inner child refuses to cause Mom pain.

Now, while this was my behavior and belief, the truth is all the parties I was concerned about lived life on their own terms, doing what was best for them.

Yet I struggled to break this disruptive and unhealthy pattern.

As I write this in real time, I see a similar struggle in my mother - the “worried what people think” pattern that I adapted from watching her. She would adamantly deny this if she saw it, and this isn’t shade-throwing. It’s a “I must break free and defiantly disrupt that pattern” moment.

The truth is, at this age and stage of my life, my only meter, marker, and barometer should and will be:

• My belief in God, His son Jesus, and my friend and guide, the Holy Spirit

• The little humans God blessed me with

• And if and when He sees fit to bless me with a husband

Nothing in my mindset, if not shifted, will hinder my soft-girl, hot-girl era from finally arriving.

October: The Month I Started Choosing Me

October was a month of reflection, but it was also a month of action.

I was triggered. I took chances. I stepped out of my comfort zone and did a few challenging and exciting things:

I flew to Atlanta alone for Access - a prayer gathering at 2819 Church. Though you could say “Access was denied” because I didn’t make it inside the building (the crowd was overwhelming), I was there. Anxiety and all.

I got to meet in person my friend of 3 years. I hung out with my favorite aunt - the realest person I know. I was among thousands and thousands of people. I overcame my discomfort of being in large crowds while still healing.

I returned home and stepped out of my comfort zone again for my first speaking engagement in a long time. I did the thing with nerves so palpable my Apple Watch went off a total of 15 times, alerting me of spikes in my heart rate leading up to my moment to speak.

I recorded a couple of podcasts and was scheduled to make an appearance on another that speaks directly to healing the inner girl.

I did scary things. And I survived them.

But October wasn’t just victories. It was also reminders of the ongoing work. The mental health struggles that still show up uninvited. The anxiety that spiked in crowds. The moments when my body remembered trauma even when my mind tried to push forward.

October also reminded me that I need to be more intentional about time-blocking and not allowing myself to be distracted when overwhelmed. I need to be more in tune and aware of how I show up when overwhelmed - to keep my body in motion and not remain sedentary.

Moving Through It: Physical Therapy as Metaphor

October is National Physical Therapy Month, and this feels significant for my story.

Physical therapy - particularly aquatics therapy - has been my saving grace.

Prior to having my hips replaced, I would never have set foot in a pool. Having Sickle Cell Anemia, there are a few things I cannot do or am very limited in doing. Being in or using cold water is one of them. This kept me from being in the ocean or going into a pool.

For years, something I desperately wanted to do - learn to swim - was impossible.

Until I was forced to do aquatics therapy after land therapy proved too challenging.

And here’s what I discovered: Not only am I enjoying swimming lessons, but I’ve also uncovered that I love water and that it brings me a level of peace and serenity I never expected.

Learning to swim in my 40s, with a chronic illness that told me “no” for decades, feels like the perfect metaphor for this season:

It’s never too late to do the thing you thought was impossible.

Your body can surprise you with what it’s capable of when you give it a chance.

Healing happens in the water - literally and figuratively.

This October Also Holds…

October carries multiple awareness months that intersect with my story in deeply personal ways:

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

This one hits close to home. I lost two pregnancies. One loss came upon seeing my abuser - my body couldn’t hold life while processing that trauma. My eldest son was a twin. I lost one of them.

October holds the grief of the babies I couldn’t keep, the children who didn’t make it earthside, the dreams that ended before they began. To everyone who’s experienced this kind of loss - I see you. Your grief is valid. Your babies mattered.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I lost my best friend’s mom in high school to breast cancer. My #1 supporter and friend is a survivor. I have several acquaintances who are also survivors, warriors who’ve faced this battle with courage.

This month is a reminder to check yourself, advocate for your health, and support those who are fighting.

Mental Health Awareness (October 10th)

The mental health struggles I faced this month were real - the anxiety in crowds, the triggers that showed up unexpectedly, the work of choosing to show up even when every part of me wanted to hide.

Our minds matter as much as our bodies. There’s no separation between mental and physical health - they’re interwoven, interdependent.

Health Literacy Month

This one feels especially significant as I’m becoming more in tune with my body - a body I tried to dissociate from for years. A body I’m now learning how to intentionally heal, both mentally and physically.

Health literacy isn’t just about understanding medical terms. It’s about learning to listen to your body’s language, to trust its signals, to become fluent in what it needs.

Each of these awarenesses reminds me: Our bodies tell stories. And we get to decide how the next chapter goes.

Get honest with yourself

• What “era” were you robbed of because of trauma, illness, or people-pleasing?

• Who are you still trying to please even though they’re no longer here or no longer deserve that power over you?

• What’s one scary thing you could do this month that would move you toward freedom?

• What has your body been trying to tell you lately?

• What loss are you still carrying that needs to be acknowledged?

Moving Forward: The Defiant Disruption

I’m calling this next season The Defiant Disruption.

The era where I:

• Stop apologizing for taking up space

• Stop shrinking to make others comfortable

• Stop waiting for permission to live fully

• Stop letting fear of what others think dictate my choices

• Stop dissociating from the body that’s carried me through hell

• Start listening to what my body has been trying to tell me all along

I’m 47. I made it. And I’m done living small.

If you’re reading this and you’ve been waiting for permission to choose yourself, to live loudly, to stop performing for people who aren’t even watching anymore - this is it.

Your hot-girl era isn’t behind you. It’s waiting for you to claim it.

Let’s defiantly disrupt the patterns that kept us safe but small.

Let’s choose ourselves - finally, fully, unapologetically.

Let’s learn to be fluent in our body’s language again.

Before you go

If you’ve been waiting for a sign to finally choose yourself, this is it.

Your freedom doesn’t need permission, only intention.

You are allowed to start over.

You are allowed to take up space.

You are allowed to live fully, boldly, and without apology.

With defiant grace and hard-won freedom,

From my heart to yours

Larissa Rhone

Founder | Journey 2 Free

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