A continuation of the Journey 2 Free reflections on silence, self-trust, and learning how to live free.
A few months ago, I wrote about turning 47 and finally choosing to stop living for everyone else. That wasn’t a dramatic declaration. It was a quiet line in the sand. And since then, I’ve been learning what that choice actually costs, in my body, in my faith, and in how I trust myself.
Acknowledging the Arc
Back in October, I wrote about working with your nervous system, not against it. I was learning to recognize the patterns, name the trauma responses, and understand why my body kept pulling me toward safety, the familiar, instead of purpose.
And then something shifted.
Somewhere between October and the end of the year, I wrote about being 47 and finally living free, my new lease on life. This is my new year, the year I stopped living for everyone else, the year I learned what it means to stop performing and start being present.
I thought I was writing two different stories.
But this morning, while studying Leah’s journey in Genesis, I saw the thread I’d been missing.
And it shifted everything.
The Freedom Paradox
When I said I was finally living free, I didn’t realize how much my body would have to unlearn to catch up with my decision.
Freedom isn’t just a mindset shift. It’s a nervous system retraining.
It’s normalizing listening to a body thriving in wintry conditions when my Caribbean bones and sickle cell were never meant for New England cold.
Now January becomes:
How do we live free without living on edge?
What I’m Seeing Now
Here’s what I didn’t understand in October:
My nervous system wasn’t just keeping me safe from trauma; it was keeping me safe from rejection.
All those years working against my body, trying to force consistency, discipline, and showing up, I believed it was about healing from abuse, about recovering from chronic illness, about rewiring trauma responses.
And it was.
But it was also about something deeper.
I was still performing for validation.
My nervous system knew what I didn’t want to admit: that every time I tried to show up consistently, I was actually showing up for an audience. For approval. For proof that I was worthy.
For Jacob’s love, when I was built for Judah’s praise.
Why the Body Pulls Back
And when you’re performing for validation, your nervous system will always pull you back.
Because it knows:
Visibility = risk
Consistency = accountability
Accountability = potential rejection
Rejection = the original wound reopened
So it kept me inconsistent.
Kept me small.
And most definitely kept me safe.
Until I turned 47 and decided I was done living for everyone else.
But saying it and living it are two different nervous system realities.
A Pause Before the Pivot
Like Leah, I spent years trying to be seen, chosen, approved of, even after I said I was free.
Turning 47 didn’t magically undo that pattern.
It exposed it.
And January has been about learning how to trust God and myself without bargaining for validation.
~ Continued in Part B:
From Levi to Judah - When Performance Gives Way to Praise
(Part B explores Leah’s turning point, the validation trap, and what it looks like to live free without an audience.)
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