I’ll Be Damned!

When you have spent 35 years believing that you’re not good enough, you’re damaged, broken and unlovable, changing that mindset can prove rather challenging.

Impatience and frustration sets in, one day I’m up and my mood reflects what I feel inwardly, which is unstoppable, I can do all things and proceed to do the most on those days, even with continual hip pains (aseptic necrosis), on such days I tend to live my little cousins motto (have fun now, feel pain later) and I just do. Then, there’re those days I awake in what seems like a cloud of doom and gloom floating overhead and I’m clutched securely within its clasps. I’ve been experiencing a few of those days lately. I’m annoyed and discontented, because some days I still feel that little girl within reaching, that child that needs to be pampered, loved on and reassured, and I at times don’t know how to help her.

I no longer carry the shame, blame and guilt of being sexually abused as a child, nor do I feel ashamed about living with a chronic illness (I did for years) however, the stained residue of self-hatred and disdain remains, the mental damage was done and sometimes seems unshakable and unbearable. Over the past few weeks, I found myself having to fight extremely hard to escape falling back into old habits. I’ve been restless and wrestling with self-worth, self-love, life’s meaning, and battling to elude the clasps of depression. Since I began doing my work, (journeying to free) I understood that at any given moment feelings like this will/can emerge unexpectedly and unexplainably. Other times the feeling of despair and hopelessness is brought on by a sense of losing control/not having control over a given situation and may give rise to responses of fear and despondency.

A broken bone requires time to heal, so does a broken heart, but healing a broken mind requires continual work, habitual patience and unconditional love. Self-love is of the utmost importance, but what happens in the case that one still endeavors to love-self? Your efforts and attitude towards your life-change is indicative of your state of mind. You must be persistence, consistence and determine to persevere, all these qualities and more are requisite for change of any kind but, a transition of this magnitude is monotonous. Embarking on this journey, journeying to your mental freedom may sound simple to some, Iv’e heard it being said, “Just change your thinking, think positively and all will be well” it sounds great in theory, but changing your mindset after decades of rehearsing and believing lies proves more formidable. It Is Hard! The turnaround/change doesn’t happen instantly, which is why so many people retreat or remain stuck in destructive patterns, behaviors and habits, change/changing your mindset, your way of thinking, your life is extremely difficult for some, I completely understand and am sincerely empathetic to those that struggles to find the strength, courage, bravery, wherewithal and discipline to ride this ride. It Is Hard!

Journeying to my mental freedom humbles me. Doing this work have taught me so much. One of the lessons I have learned is one I’ve heard repeatedly through my faith, and that is “thou shalt not judge.” Those words now breathe new life to me, and the meaning have never been clearer.  I completely understand and am now able to be even more compassionate to people I speak to or come in contact with. In times like these I combat the added pressure of rising self-pity, warding off the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s, the why’s and why not’s as the mind wonders and ponders what would life have been like had my daddy loved me (another post), had I not been sexually abused, had I been born free of this god forsaken, awfully dreadful disease… it would be so simply for me to remain complacent, surviving an unhappy and uncomfortable existence, quickened by fear and unwilling to fight, or alternatively, end it all had it not been for my faith and my “I’ll be damned if this thing pulls me under after so many years of pain” attitude, BUT I fight and I will continue to fight, because I am too damn stubborn to quit!

Journey with me as I/we journey to free. From my heart to yours, with love, Larissa.