I heard her calling his name, I thought nothing of it. I heard the voice of my eldest son shouting “wake up Jo, wake up!” just then my phone rang, it was my mom calling to inform me Jo was not waking up, as calmly as she could, she said, “get the glucometer and get upstairs now!”  

Wednesday, March 27, 2019 I raced up the stairs from my bedroom to the living room to see the unresponsive body of my 4 year old laying in the couch. Amidst shaking, calling, light slaps to his face, being stuck with a needle, he would not wake, he just would not wake up. My heart raced as my eight year old and my mom looked on, shouting (Jo wake up, come on Jojo wake up!) I felt the rapidly increasing elevated beat of my heart pulsating through my chest, in my frantic state, I cleaned his finger, prep the glucometer and stuck his tiny finger. I thought for sure the meter wasn’t working when, instead of giving the usual reading of a number two letters popped up on the screen – LO-  “nope, this thing is not working, the battery must need changing I thought. The second time around the reading was the same, my baby was in trouble! I asked my mom to hand me a bottle of honey and while lining the insides of his cheeks with the honey, I whisper dear God please! I held on to one son while watching the other run around attempting to find something to help revive his baby brother. I stuck him again, this time the meter registered 20 on the display screen. I thought, maybe the fourth time is the charm, so I stuck this poor child again, 21, “He needs to get to the hospital now” I uttered, just then, Jo raised his head and murmured “mommy I’m tired” completely unaware of what was taking place, I swiftly passed him off to mom, ran to my bedroom to change while simultaneously calling 911.

Panic Sets In

I was level headed long enough to inform the 911 operator of what was happening, but as I searched for our clothes, I realized I wasn’t able to have a cohesive thought and my hand eye coordination was off, I couldn’t grab or sort an outfit for my son or myself. I was on auto pilot, and I was as numb, I couldn’t pray, I didn’t know how or what to feel, I was in a cloudy haze.

The paramedics arrived, they assessed my son, administered what they needed to and ushered us out the door, to the ambulance and rushed us (Jo and I) to the emergency room. The time between him not waking up, opening his eyes and the ambulance arrival at the hospital felt like a hour-long ordeal, however, this all happened in a 30 minute timeframe. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe… this was one of the worst scares I’ve had in a long time, one I’m still winding down from even after our return from the hospital a few days ago. I am still a bit on edge and finding it difficult to sleep while he sleeps, and having mild heart palpitations whenever I call my son and he doesn’t respond at first call. 

God is Good

My boys and I have a morning routine. My eldest is awaken at 7:30am, I select his clothing while he eats, washes his face and brush his teeth, double checks his backpack etc and he’s out the door to catch his bus at 8:20 every morning. After which I prepare my youngest for school. Jo have issues sleeping at night, all stemming from restlessness that we still (doctors included) have not found a cause, so I usually allow him to sleep a little later. On the morning of March 27th, I proved once again the small yet significant ways in which I am blessed and favored. I was also reminded that miracles do still happen and somehow, someway the creator not only remembers me, but choose to smile on me once again. The awesomeness of His mercy was not lost on me when my 4 year old child decided to lay in the couch upstairs that morning instead of returning to his bedroom. He had woken early, minutes to six, went to the cupboard in the kitchen and ate a Kellogg’s snack bar. I presume weakness and fatigue brought on by the low sugars rendered him incapable of going back down the stairs which led him to lay on the couch. My mother shortly after asked him a question, upon realizing he wasn’t answering led both her and my eight year old to follow up by checking on him. Upon calling his name and shaking him they then realize he was not responding. Point is, had my son return to his room, by the time I would have gone to wake him for school, it would have been too late!

Acceptance

I try not to dwell on the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s, and I wasn’t able to offer thanks then in my state of shock, but the days following which were spent in the hospital with my child afforded me enough time to reflect on just how blessed my family has been, how grateful I am for second, third, fourth, and endless chances. I thought about the weeks leading up to that point and how close I came to slipping back into a depressive state. I had allowed negative thoughts and a broken spirit to not only over power and overwhelm me but had me questioning once again my abilities. I was grappling with feelings of being unworthy and not good enough. I was self sabotaging and believing I was inadequate, being afraid and feeling incapable of doing the thing I know I needed to do. My experience on March 27th placed a few things into perspective for me. I am certain, life happens to all of us, no-one is exempt from test, trials, pains and heartbreaks, I realize that there will be ups and downs, and though we will all have moments of victories, life never stops happening, therefore it is imperative that we take the good with the bad, breath through the extremely tough moments, but we must strive to rise above it all, and remain grateful. Self reflection and growth is of the utmost importance, we must learn our lessons while going through the process. We must make the choice and choose to live, even if it means we do so one moment at a time, because truth is, life is fragile and at any given moment without our input or say it can slip away from us. I am grateful for the lessons, the reminders and for God’s grace wrapped in a fright filled and never ending experience that reminded me of a present day miracle that unfolded on Wednesday, March 27, 2019.

Journey with me as I/we journey 2 free, from my heart to yours, with love Larissa.