Tag Archives: challenges

Journey To Redemption

26 Apr

While rehearsing last night I broke down emotionally. During Act 1 something happen, not sure if it was the name calling, the intensity in which the lead actress delivered, the emotionally charged play or the flash back I had smack dab in the middle of my opening performance. Fact is, it happened. I felt the tears welling, I tried to fight it but, when I had to shout the words slut and whore directed at the lead actress ‘who’s playing a victim of child sexual abuse’ within that moment the flood gates open and the tears streamed down my face. I could feel it coming, one of those moments when I needed to be alone to feel, process and make sense of what was happening. I knew then no amount of reassurance from a cast I’m just getting to know was going to help me, I needed a moment to just bawl. I immediately walked off stage, found a corner back stage and I cried. Soon after the cast had finished rehearsing scene one and were slowly making their way back stage, I transformed into that girl that would never dare to make anyone see her cry but I couldn’t stop, the tears were streaming even faster now, my thoughts going a billion miles a minutes and memories came flooding.  I managed to pull myself together, walked dignifiedly to the nearest bathroom composed enough to check the stalls, realizing then there was no-one there but me so, I gave myself the needed permission to weep, though brief and I did just that.

I cried for a good four minutes,  again gathered myself together, walked back into the rehearsals and onto the stage. Thank God, I was with a group of individuals that have been rather supportive and understanding, so after a few hugs and reassurance I was ready again.

Scene 2 had me questioning myself, was it just a bit too soon to be doing this and why did I agree to play this part or any part for that matter in a play that’s so telling, so raw and so expressive?Well,  It seemed like a great idea at the time and a wonderful opportunity I thought to help my healing process (now, I’m not so sure), however, I made a commitment and I will by the grace of God make do on that commitment, get through my performance, the play and my speaking.

Today I experienced a wide array of emotions, this happens from time to time and is to be expected on this my Journey 2 Free.  I have come to terms with it I believe and acknowledge that on this journey to my freedom, I have to accept the good with the bad, the down right ugly and the sad and try to remain open to it all.  Let’s see what tomorrow brings, but for now, I’ll sit with the emotions I’m currently experiencing, for this too shall pass.

COURT: DAY 7… A GRANDMOTHER’S BETRAYAL.

26 Mar

A Grandmother’s Betrayal… CHOOSE YOU!!!

Some days were unbearable (emotionally). Sitting across from the matriarch of the family, knowing she’s present at court not because of her daughters and granddaughters, but instead in support of her husband that sexually abused her daughters and granddaughters… Some days were tough!

Court: Day 7 This day was rather challenging (mentally) for me. The journey continues…

Women Supporting Women

5 Mar

A snippet of my talk with a group of beautiful women I was asked to address. This experience further opened my eyes to how many people are really hurting as a result of Child Sexual Abuse.  Please, let’s start talking. Another’s life may very well depend on it!  Join me as I/we journey2free.

TIME FLIES!

15 Mar

I simply cannot believe it’s been almost two years since my last post. It has been so long, and truthfully I have missed you, and I have missed posting! I missed hearing from you and frankly, I missed writing! I haven’t given up my fight, my quest for complete and total freedom of the mind. I must admit, some days were and are trying, the truth however is, I now experience more emotional highs than lows. I do believe I’m well on my way.

My confession: The process became so overwhelming and frustrating at times. I sometimes questioned my motives, my will and my ability to proceed, but I never once felt like quitting, giving up or giving in.  It’s been a long and tedious experience waiting for this trial to begin and being mute after it began came with a price, I’m reminded ever so often though as to the why I embarked on this journey. I am still waiting, waiting patiently to have my day in court. It’s been one hell of a roller coaster ride, experiencing all the different emotions, BUT still holding on. Yes, a difficult process but one that’s also rewarding, and soon enough I will be able to share the details, the good, the bad, the ugly and the indifferent.

I have not forgotten you, neither have I given up on my journey, “MY JOURNEY TO FREEDOM”. So much has happened since my last post, I have experienced so much during this time. I have done so much since then, accomplished some goals, surpassed some major hurdles, reached new levels in my personal growth, however I have achieved very little in a certain quest.

During my blogging hiatus however, one of my greatest achievement was the birth of my beautiful son Josah-Amare. Josah was a needed and welcomed blessing and distraction from all the ugliness i was experiencing. My pregnancy wasn’t without its fair share of test and challenges, Josah named by his then three year old brother. was a gift in the midst of one of my biggest hurdles to date. I know for sure being pregnant and highly stressed is a sure way to cause disaster but, we came through, not unscathed,  but we made it! We are doing well. Amidst all this I learned a few things, gained some new insight and was reminded and reassured of things I may have forgotten.

Things like:

  • People seldom change.
  • Be very careful how you respond to tensed and high stress moments, because “moments are fleeting, you may have regrets”.
  •  “Some people are only in your lives but for a season”, there come a time to prune and weed excess baggage/dead weight.
  • Some folks will NEVER see the good you do, do it anyhow.
  • Not everyone can/may see or accept change or truth for that matter.
  • Don’t take things personally, “just shake some things off and let some people go”.
  • No matter how difficult a situation be courageous, push through or be pulled or it sucks you under.
  • The level of despair and self-worth for some have been so far removed, your best bet is to severe your ties.
  • People will naturally gravitate to what they know best.
  • You can’t, You CANNOT help a person that doesn’t see the need or require help.

I implore you my fellow journey2freeitzs seek freedom in whatever way suitable and freeing to you! It’s of utmost importance, in order to be at peace and sweet contentment, we must no longer cover, hide, suppress, turn a blind eye, conceal secrets and/or restrict, refrain, reject, refuse or deny ourselves total and complete peace.

I will resume posting very soon, as I now realize in order to maintain some level of normalcy, better yet my sanity I must do so! It sounds hilarious but ever so true. I’m still limited to what I can say in regards to my pending trial, but there is so much more to do and so I am literally bursting at the seams as I want to get on with this, it’s ripping my heart to shreds watching, reading and constantly hearing of stories of children being abused daily, something have to be done, we need to unite to protect our children! I love you and I’m so eager to hear from you.

As always, join me as I/we journey to free. The path traveled may be winding and long, it will be difficult and time-consuming but I promise it’s all worth it. Speak, act, do something! Lets play our part or any part in eradicating this evil CSA and protect our children, our society and our sanity.

From my heart to yours:

With Love

Larissa.